Journey in 78 Steps

Oz's House Reading (Aquarian Tarot)

Oz's House -- Corresponds to the sixth house and Virgo, astrologically speaking. Oz processes everything but says little--a perfect combination of Mercury and earth. He is willing to put others' needs before his own, and lives a life of rare discernment.

What/where do I need to serve in the coming year? What do I need to keep pure?

Star / 7 of Cups

Huh.. Hope and dreams, eh? (really? I have to keep my fantasies pure? bummer!)

Seriously, I drew these early in the day and have been puzzling over them pretty much ever since.  What do I need to serve in the coming year... my hope? My faith?  I feel like I need to take this as indicating not only that I am going to need to strive not to lose hope, but maybe that I am going to need to be the one that keeps up the hopes and faith of others as well. (And I want so much to be able to see beyond my mom's concerns, but that fight is taking over this year, and as it drags on, my sister and I do indeed find our hope wavering)

And then the 7 of Cups... what do I need to keep pure?  Maybe, as this expresses both hopes and fears...all those imaginative emotional triggers, it's a reminder not to let either run away with me.. keep them pure.. let my imagination guide me, but not get lost in them... not let my fears harm my sense of hope, or my hopes blind me to what I need to be alert to.

This is the best I can do with these... I think this is a pair I'll be mulling for awhile.

One final thought for now... the Star card here shows a peacock.  I associate the peacock with Hera/Juno, which is a goddess archetype I've connected with frequently over the last few years and have been turning to more often lately in my fight for my mothers safety (Hera is a protector of women, children and marriage - as such my mothers vulnerability in light of her widowhood would come under Hera's sphere).  Perhaps I need to serve Hera's interests right now... keep my relationship with her pure.  Something I can't put into words here, but will indeed think about.

Willow's House Reading (Aquarian Tarot)

Willow's House -- Corresponds to the fifth house and Leo, astrologically speaking. Willow is the heart of Buffy, the Vampire Slayer. As the show evolves, so does Willow. Her identity shifts in several ways--from computer geek to Wiccan, from straight to gay--but her essence--that of a smart, loving, and supportive friend, remains. Still, don't underestimate her importance. As she says to Buffy, "I'm not your sidekick."

What important area of my identity will become clear to me this year? In which areas will I grow and shine?

Knight of Swords / Empress

First, just looking at these, I see the Knight standing guard in front of the Empress.... if you want to get to her, you have to go through him.  The Knight seems to be calm, with the sword slung over his shoulder - ready to be used if needed, but the Knight is standing in an 'at ease' posture.

The Empress card in this deck is odd to me... she certainly has a 'royal' appearance, but she's dressed in layers and layers of clothing and the surrounding landscape seems really barren.... rocky cliffs in which there is a waterfall, but no signs of life.  She carries a large wooden sceptre and shield with a Venus symbol on it, but I can't say that she seems to be in much need of protection, given how heavily encased she is in clothing and protective cliffs all around her.

Her headdress makes me wonder if she can even hear anything through all that fabric covering her ears.

Now, astrologically, the Knight of Swords is me (Gemini), though I usually prefer the Queen of Swords.  And I can't help (again) seeing this Empress as my mother... especially here with this deck, with the Empress so heavily sheltered and swathed that she seems to be very alone...a spark of life in a barren environment, not talking, possibly not able to understand what she hears, with little to see that makes much sense.

So.. in terms of the question, and an aspect of my own identity that will become clear this year as I grow into it, I think it is that - that I am growing into the role of my mother's protector and, like this Knight, getting comfortable with the role - not floundering, nor feeling as if every moment is a battle, but ready when it's necessary to protect this woman, my mother, from dangers she is too isolated to see clearly, and too encumbered to protect herself against.

short update

I'm not going to go into great detail on this (for both legal and personal reasons), but last week I was out visiting my mother along with my sister, as well as dealing with some official steps to get her under legal protection.

It went well on all counts, though some of it was also sad.  My mother is a joy to be around... and yet, I'm not sure if she ever knew who it was she was with.  My sister is a lot of fun - and hopefully someday we can just spend time together FOR fun.  The legal parts worked as they needed to, heartbreaking as it continues to be that the need is there.

So we are a couple steps forward with an unknown number still to go.

Joyce's House Reading (Animals Divine)

Joyce's House -- Corresponds to the fourth house and Cancer, astrologically speaking. Buffy's Mom wants to nurture, but is often completely in the dark about Buffy's activities and what she needs.

What am I clueless about right now that will be very important for me to nurture in the coming year?

10 of Cups (Whale) / 4 of Wands (Ladybug)

What a lovely, hopeful pair of cards!  I wasn't certain how I might go about interpreting what I'm clueless about, but as soon as I saw them, I thought "Well, of course!"

In just a few more weeks, my daughter (who still lives with me, along with her fiancé) will be giving birth to her first child.  It's been an unfortunate side effect of my ongoing issues with my mother's situation that I haven't been able to throw myself into anticipation of a new baby in the house as fully as I'd like.  Recently, we all made the decision to put off a planned move-out on their part, so we are beginning to prepare this house to meet the needs of a little one.

And yes, I am a wee bit clueless about how that will be - the baby herself is currently a mystery...what will her personality be? How will things change?

But the 10 of Cups shows a family of whales, happily swimming in the moonlight - there is a swirling vortex of water around them that reminds me of the World or Wheel... a sense of wholeness and completeness in this family unit.  It suggests to me that part of my job this year is to help my daughter find this sense of wholeness in her family, even while they are still living with her sister and I - to be there but not be at the center of it, so that they can continue the transition toward being a family in their own right.

The 4 of Wands shows a ladybug on a leaf, and I'm reminded of the rhyme chant "Ladybug, ladybug, fly away home..." which notes the need to check the stability of her house and safety of her children.  Here again, something to nurture, which is the wellbeing of the overall household - both the physical space and the family dynamics within it.  It is a reminder to me that her sister and I do live here too and will need to be taken into account as well.  It speaks to the need for some scheduling of tasks, along with acknowledgement and celebration of our expanding family.

These two show both sides of the puzzle.. the family within the family and the structure that supports us all.  But at their most general, they speak of happiness and fulfillment and however 'clueless' I am right now about that peace and joy, it is coming and will be a part of my life this next year, and something to nurture and grow.

Giles' House Reading (Animals Divine)

Giles's House -- Corresponds to the third house and Gemini, astrologically speaking. Giles is the Watcher, after all, and Gemini is the sign of the Observer/Journalist.

What do I need to "see"/observe this year? What will reward further study?

XII: The Hanged Woman (Spider Woman) / Queen of Swords (Athena)

Immediately, I see these two cards as my mother and me - the Queen of Swords is the court card I tend to identify as me, and I like seeing her portrayed here as Athena... wise, which makes her thoughtful in her actions, but willing to be a warrior when called upon.  Her focus is on strategic warfare - being able to look at the big picture and responding accordingly.

The Hanged Woman here resonates strongly as my mother right now, Alzheimer's rendering her unable to act on her own behalf, stuck in that web and trying to make sense of where each thread of thought goes and waiting to learn what will become of her.

As a part of the process toward establishing guardianship, my sister and I were each asked to develop a long term care plan should Mom relocate to our area.  Our intention is for my sister to become her guardian, so I've not given more than a cursory look at how it would be for her to be with me before now, so I am just now putting careful thought into that and looking at it from all the various aspects... medical and social resources in my town, the impact to all of us should Mom live in my home, etc.  Even though I don't expect that to be the outcome, it's been an interesting exercise to become aware of the possibilities and challenges of doing so.

I think these cards are suggesting I continue to explore the impact of all of this on my actual relationship with my mother - whether she lives here or across the country, there are things I need to learn about who she is becoming and who I am, and develop a plan for maintaining a personal relationship with her now and as the illness progresses.

What I know now is that I will not let myself lose her again.  What I need to observe and learn is how to go about protecting my connection to her. 

Yesterday, I received a huge packet of information from my state's Alzheimer's Association, chock full of information on the disorder and lovingly relating to family members afflicted with the disorder... it will take a long time to process all they have to share.  Between their experienced guidance and learning from Mom what she needs from me, I'll be able to learn what I need to as the year progresses.

How quickly I lose rhythm, eh?

A task intensive project regarding my Mother's situation took over the last few days and have impacted my ability to be here at all.  It's likely to take up hours a day for the next few days as well - and I'm resigned to this being the way of things for the foreseeable future.

But I was in the middle of tackling that Buffy spread, and am going to keep on with it, one position at a time - I think it's safe to say it's just turned into a month long project!

Anya's House Reading (Alchemical)

Anya's House -- Corresponds to the second house and Taurus, astrologically speaking. Anya may no longer be a demon, but she is still crystal clear on what is important. Getting her needs met is paramount, and she has no time for small talk.

What are my basic needs in the coming year? What will quench my lust(s)?

9 of Coins / 3 of Swords

Unlike yesterday's pair, these two don't seem to be connected... rather they speak of two basic needs of mine that must be addressed over this next year.  Not so sure about 'quenching my lusts' - but needs, yes... nonnegotiables.  These are each minors, so they involve nitty gritty daily life... not the Big Lessons, but right down in the trenches where I live.

The first is the 9 of Pentacles, which shows a tree full of coins.  Each coin has a different image...some are people (or gods), others are symbols... a three legged triskele, a flower, a dove, an owl, a sun.  The card itself speaks of material abundance ... enough to secure independence... all that is needed is growing on this tree, and because it is a living tree it will continue to grow.

That absolutely rings true... I need to stabilize my income and budget so that worrying about money isn't a daily concern.  And I need to put some attention to future income as well... planning ahead for later.  Given the current economy, I think this is a basic requirement and worry for everyone, but this is telling me that this year I need to make no excuses and just work on this, because it is about basic survival.

(Anya loved money...she would approve)

The other card is the 3 of Swords, showing a heart impaled by three swords suspended in mid-air.  An eye is in the center of the heart is crying and its tears are watering a rose that is growing out of the rocky ground below.  While it is crying rather than bleeding, "Bleeding Heart" comes to mind.  The rose suggests that even in the most painful of circumstances, something beautiful can grow.  The 3 of Swords itself doesn't only speak of pain, but of truth... truth that cuts to the heart of things, raises painful realities in order to move on from them.

There is a lot... a LOT of grief I have not dealt with, over my mother, my father, my health, and a whole lot of other things.  I've been in 'suck it up and deal' mode for a long, long time now.  And I think this card is letting me know that this year, I need to deal with that as well... work out my grief, stop carrying it and let it water something living and worth holding onto.

I want to be very literal, looking at this, and consider making some time to ritualize all that I've lost and plant some roses in their memory and say goodbye to them.  I'll think on that part later... for now what I need to know is that facing and then releasing that grief is becoming a matter of basic survival as well for me and not putting it off any longer than I need to.