This entry will be growing as I work on it.
Tonight is this year's Aries New Moon... a time to look at self-identity and to initiate growing independence throughout the year.
I've a spread that's been stored in my copy of Orphalese that I've been wanting to try for awhile - unfortunately, it's listed as only having come from 'shari' so i can't properly credit it. However, the notes included mention that this is inspired by Gail Woods' "Rituals of the Dark Moon: 13 Lunar Rites for a Magical Path" which highlights a different aspect for each phase of the Moon (making a distinction between the Dark Moon and the New Moon). I think it makes for an elegant and rich spread for inner exploration. Because of how in-depth this reading is, I want to take my time here, so this entry will build slowly while I work through it.
Here is the spread and the cards I've drawn, asking "What do I need to know in order to begin a path toward a balanced state of independence?". I'll be leaving these cards up this next month where I can look at it and switching decks after today:
x x x 1 x x x
x 8 x x x 2 x
7 x x 9 x x 3
x 6 x x x 4 x
x x x 5 x x x
1. New Moon - Maiden - Emerge
What is emerging right now in your life. You may just be feeling this, it has not yet actually come fully into your conscience.
The Ace of Swords speaks of potential mental energy or opportunities - with this in the 'emerging' position it makes me think that this next month will be one when I will be able to start conceiving of an educational path for myself. And in fact, I've got a couple of education-related things to check on (regarding possibilities that, until last weekend I was positive where a dead issue - they've just resurrected as a possibility), just to get a handle on where I am now. I am hopeful this Ace is pointing toward a positive outlook for getting started there, but that sheath is also reminding me to be cautious - don't invest too heavily mentally or emotionally until I've got that preliminary research taken care of.
2. Waxing Crescent Moon - Amazon - Champion
What you feel passionate about. This is something you are willing to fight for, or something you are fighting (for).
Here, I'm looking at aspects of identity - I'm passionate about who I am...passionate about being passionate about what it is I'm passionate about. (hah.. had to get that loop-de-loop bunch of words out of my head there...)
Honestly, I've not been experiencing much fire in my life lately - this winter really took a toll on my physically and my energy and enthusiasm has been very low - physically and sexually, I've almost been in hibernation. "Good" has been defined as calm and stationary... after the chaos of last year (moving, divorcing, financial changes for the worse, and health problems all slamming into me at the same time), fire has gotten tied into painful trauma for me.
I see... I need to be willing to fight for some renewed energy and joy for myself... I need to reconnect to sexual desire without being afraid of whether or not I'll get burned. I need to have dreams and goals I'm willing to work for without procrastinating because I'm afraid it won't work out. I need to fight, simply put, for my life.
This idea shouldn't scare me, but as I type this I am feeling nervous and almost teary. But this Queen is in me... she can help me here. I have to just let her out.
3. 1st Quarter Moon - Lover - Integrate
This is something that you are trying to integrate into you life. It may feel like it doesn't belong, but it will fit if you choose to work at it. It will require a choice and desire.
Heh. Got to love it when a reading has a sense of humor. All that I described above... that was my Tower year. Everything that I built up around me fell apart. And what I've been doing since is trying to recover from it, mostly by crawling away and making myself and my life very small in order to manage a life out of the rubble.
And I have to not get past all that, but to integrate it? To love it? This one is going to take a lot more thought to process because yes, it totally feels like it doesn't belong - I am getting better about not thinking 'this shouldn't have happened this way' but I do still think that. But it did happen, and my life now isn't a false life based on a wrong series of events that never should have happened... this is what is. Who I am for the rest of my life is rooted in large part on all of that... so I suppose I might as well embrace it and look for what positive meaning it all has for me.
What, in general, can I embrace about the Tower? It is the destroyer of illusion and false confidence. The lightning doesn't just zap the tower from without... in this image it looks like the light inside is bursting out. There are things within me that could never show themselves if the Tower hadn't been burst open. I can embrace the catalyst for that emergence.
Definitely, bears some more contemplation on this.
4. Gibbous Moon - Priestess - Initiate
This is where you are spiritually. It is what you are learning about yourself that is spiritually connected to your current path.
I don't often get the Sun card in readings for myself - this is a bit of a surprise! And this particular one is very appealing... the sun, the solar system around it, and the wheel of the Zodiac.
My relationship with spirituality... my beliefs... tend toward a very freeform pagan humanism. I believe we're a part of the universe, and connected by it. I acknowledge cycles of time... the turning of the seasons.. because they root us and show growth and movement of each of us as individuals and collectively. I get much more spiritually out of watching a sunrise or looking through a telescope than I ever would communing together in any overt spiritual setting, and I don't worry about 'belief' as the marker for how I'm doing. Things are either in alignment with me or they aren't. That is not at all well articulated but I'll remember what I meant when I read that back later.
So this sun card ... that's what it calls to me. Everything is in its place, and it all works together - each planet, each star, each house on the wheel is separate and individual... they've got their own paths, their own quirks... but they're held together by a greater whole. They each turn on their axis, and around the sun... and the sun itself is wheeling around the galaxy, which is wheeling around the universe. We're each turning in multiple ways, alone and together, every second of our life. Spirituality, for me, is in becoming aware of the connections. Respecting the individuality and uniqueness of everyone and everything, while not mistaking it for solitariness. We're all in this together.
Generally, the Sun is about clarity... about the grand light of truth and joy in the reality of it all. Yes. That's the summation of what aligns me spiritually - the cosmic YES to all that is.
5. Full Moon - Mother - Nurture
This is what you nurture in yourself as well as others. This is a part of who you are and you feel most complete when you allow yourself to express this.
And here he is again - the happy bartender who has prepared all that he wishes to surround himself with and is prepared and eager to share it. Nurturing myself means letting myself acknowledge my own wishes, making them happen, and sharing the bounty with those around me. This is how I can best care for myself and others.
I love the sense of this - that looking after my own dreams isn't taking from those in my life - it's the first step to being able to nurture and care for others. Before you can have something to give, you first have to gather it together for yourself.
So the short message here - focus on manifesting what makes me happy... take care of myself. In doing so, I'll be better able to take care of those I love. I've seen the truth in that time and again... good reminder here.
6. Disseminating Moon - Teacher - Share
This is what you know, and may choose to share with others. It is something you have a gift for, and have knowledge to share.
And here is another reminder of something I know but haven't felt... all that I've been through has made me strong and much more compassionate for the weaknesses and wildnessness of others. I can honestly say that I think I've a better person for having been knocked out of that Tower...still healing, but I have discovered reserves of adaptibility and courage I didn't know I had.
I love the way this card shows the lion and the woman walking together, side by side. Neither is attempting to control or lead the other - they move together. For me, the lion often represents both the best parts of us and the parts that are so untamed that we feel we need to hide it, cage it, control it. One of the best things that happened to me as a result of my divorce is that who I am inside - my inner lion - can show itself openly in my house without having to have a conversation defending it to someone who was by turns contemptuous and afraid of that aspect of me. I don't wake up everyday wondering how my core self will get beat down today, or how I may need to hide it - do the beating down myself pre-emptively. And the strange and wonderful part? Let out openly, I am much more gentle than when I was trying to control it rather than walk with it. The lion needs freedom in order for the woman to not have to have to operate in a controlling way.
So this is something I can share? That's an interesting though - that having learned this, I can possibly help others to not be afraid to let their inner lion out as well.
My goodness... this sunny lion, the sun, the Queen of Wands... there are all sorts of fiery and light-filled messages in this reading, aren't there?
7. Last Quarter Moon - Elder - Seek
This is what you are seeking. It is something you have wanted to learn about/or do for a while. It is important for you to follow this desire.
What an interesting card as something I'm seeking! Strife? no... Competition? no... if anything, I try harder than I should to avoid being in competitive situations. Joy in the battle - maybe that. Yes... I think so. Seeking pleasure in overcoming my challenges, facing them with a big fierce grin on my face. And why not? They're there whether I cower or engage in the battle... might as well have fun while I'm doing it.
The other thing this card so often means for me, and I think this also applies here, is the notion of jockeying for position...finding one's place in the scheme of things. And that rings very true... I've lost my sense of place - of where I fit in with the world. Yes. I need to look for that place and be willing to engage in the battle to step into it, not just wait for it to happen. I am seeking a sense of purpose that is only mine to fill, and courage (and joy!) in occupying that turf.
I think this is telling me to look at getting back into the world in a meaningful way - I've been sidelining myself for long enough.
8. Balsamic Moon - Crone - Release
It is time to release what this is showing. This will show something you may feel you need, however it is no longer necessary or useful in your life. The time has come to let it go.
0: The Fool
Release the Fool?? Nooo!
Hmm... ok, what is the Fool? Potential... the 'soul' before it's stepped into the stream of life... 'in the world but not of it'... The Fool is playful innocence, can be gullible and overly trusting, ignoring pitfalls and dangers and doesn't think about where she's going... just moseying along through life, taking what comes. The Fool can also be a trickster, playing practical jokes or being funny to just to enjoy reactions... the Fool can also be the butt of a joke, clowning by taking pratfalls and not worrying what others think.
Hmm... taking pratfalls. ouch. I think that's it. I have been poised... lots of potential, but no manifestation... hovering on the edge of that cliff, absolutely sure that life is ready to hand me yet another banana peel to slip on, another football to yank out from under me just as I go for it. As long as I stay poised, the fall doesn't happen. Nothing else happens either. I think maybe I need to release that inner certainty that some unseen Prankster is going to turn anything I reach out for to dust and laugh at me for trying. (wow, didn't know I did think that, but boy did that ring true).
It's not that I need to release the Fool's faith or willingness to just Be - I need to release the sense of myself as the world's clown, and start expecting that if I apply my own conscious will to things, I can direct the outcome. Not just wait for the next Kick Me sign to be planted on my back.
9. Dark Moon - Weaver - Truth
This is the truth of where you are right now, it is your Truth. It may be hidden from you, or you may keep it hidden from others. Through acknowledging this and bringing it into your life you clear the way to further development.
And so here at the end of the reading, we come back to a court card - an aspect of who I am. I had a houseguest today so delayed in writing this, and throughout the day it was on my mind, mulling.
The truth of where I am right now is that I am just beginning to trust that I can reconnect with others and allow myself to be vulnerable and open to them. And this is indeed the truth - on the outside, I'm the Queen of Swords and trying to latch into the Queen of Wands.. on the outside I'm 'strong' and tough and mature (a word applied to me that I often think is well overstated.
Inside? I'm a child who has been through a lot that hurt me more than I dare admit - and I keep a good hard shell around me to try to make sure it won't ever happen again. Inside? Blue jello with gummy fish. There have been times when this child within me shames me...so sensitive, so needy for a hug... but I'm moving past that. This page is also what lets me care about others - to be very specific, the Page of Cups is who I access when I read Tarot for others and for myself - it's where the imagination and playfulness I use to understand them comes from and it's where the compassion I feel for those seeking guidance is born.
I know there's more to this than what it means in my relationship to the cards, but that's what's striking me tonight... as I read for others and draw out their own tender, sensitive Page of Cups - create a safe place for that vulnerable person to dare show itself, i'm learning to do it for myself as well. Learning that I can ask for love and trust it to be given. Learning that I can dream and not be scolded or told to grow up and put away my dreams.
It's a huge lesson...huge. In so many ways, I'm starting over again, emotionally and I feel as if I'm a big sister walking beside my younger inner self and telling her it's ok. It's ok to love and to be loved... it's ok to have imaginary friends and want to be happy. So simple, but I didn't know this for a long, long time.