Journey in 78 Steps

Willow's House Reading (Aquarian Tarot)

Willow's House -- Corresponds to the fifth house and Leo, astrologically speaking. Willow is the heart of Buffy, the Vampire Slayer. As the show evolves, so does Willow. Her identity shifts in several ways--from computer geek to Wiccan, from straight to gay--but her essence--that of a smart, loving, and supportive friend, remains. Still, don't underestimate her importance. As she says to Buffy, "I'm not your sidekick."

What important area of my identity will become clear to me this year? In which areas will I grow and shine?

Knight of Swords / Empress

First, just looking at these, I see the Knight standing guard in front of the Empress.... if you want to get to her, you have to go through him.  The Knight seems to be calm, with the sword slung over his shoulder - ready to be used if needed, but the Knight is standing in an 'at ease' posture.

The Empress card in this deck is odd to me... she certainly has a 'royal' appearance, but she's dressed in layers and layers of clothing and the surrounding landscape seems really barren.... rocky cliffs in which there is a waterfall, but no signs of life.  She carries a large wooden sceptre and shield with a Venus symbol on it, but I can't say that she seems to be in much need of protection, given how heavily encased she is in clothing and protective cliffs all around her.

Her headdress makes me wonder if she can even hear anything through all that fabric covering her ears.

Now, astrologically, the Knight of Swords is me (Gemini), though I usually prefer the Queen of Swords.  And I can't help (again) seeing this Empress as my mother... especially here with this deck, with the Empress so heavily sheltered and swathed that she seems to be very alone...a spark of life in a barren environment, not talking, possibly not able to understand what she hears, with little to see that makes much sense.

So.. in terms of the question, and an aspect of my own identity that will become clear this year as I grow into it, I think it is that - that I am growing into the role of my mother's protector and, like this Knight, getting comfortable with the role - not floundering, nor feeling as if every moment is a battle, but ready when it's necessary to protect this woman, my mother, from dangers she is too isolated to see clearly, and too encumbered to protect herself against.

short update

I'm not going to go into great detail on this (for both legal and personal reasons), but last week I was out visiting my mother along with my sister, as well as dealing with some official steps to get her under legal protection.

It went well on all counts, though some of it was also sad.  My mother is a joy to be around... and yet, I'm not sure if she ever knew who it was she was with.  My sister is a lot of fun - and hopefully someday we can just spend time together FOR fun.  The legal parts worked as they needed to, heartbreaking as it continues to be that the need is there.

So we are a couple steps forward with an unknown number still to go.

Joyce's House Reading (Animals Divine)

Joyce's House -- Corresponds to the fourth house and Cancer, astrologically speaking. Buffy's Mom wants to nurture, but is often completely in the dark about Buffy's activities and what she needs.

What am I clueless about right now that will be very important for me to nurture in the coming year?

10 of Cups (Whale) / 4 of Wands (Ladybug)

What a lovely, hopeful pair of cards!  I wasn't certain how I might go about interpreting what I'm clueless about, but as soon as I saw them, I thought "Well, of course!"

In just a few more weeks, my daughter (who still lives with me, along with her fiancé) will be giving birth to her first child.  It's been an unfortunate side effect of my ongoing issues with my mother's situation that I haven't been able to throw myself into anticipation of a new baby in the house as fully as I'd like.  Recently, we all made the decision to put off a planned move-out on their part, so we are beginning to prepare this house to meet the needs of a little one.

And yes, I am a wee bit clueless about how that will be - the baby herself is currently a mystery...what will her personality be? How will things change?

But the 10 of Cups shows a family of whales, happily swimming in the moonlight - there is a swirling vortex of water around them that reminds me of the World or Wheel... a sense of wholeness and completeness in this family unit.  It suggests to me that part of my job this year is to help my daughter find this sense of wholeness in her family, even while they are still living with her sister and I - to be there but not be at the center of it, so that they can continue the transition toward being a family in their own right.

The 4 of Wands shows a ladybug on a leaf, and I'm reminded of the rhyme chant "Ladybug, ladybug, fly away home..." which notes the need to check the stability of her house and safety of her children.  Here again, something to nurture, which is the wellbeing of the overall household - both the physical space and the family dynamics within it.  It is a reminder to me that her sister and I do live here too and will need to be taken into account as well.  It speaks to the need for some scheduling of tasks, along with acknowledgement and celebration of our expanding family.

These two show both sides of the puzzle.. the family within the family and the structure that supports us all.  But at their most general, they speak of happiness and fulfillment and however 'clueless' I am right now about that peace and joy, it is coming and will be a part of my life this next year, and something to nurture and grow.

Giles' House Reading (Animals Divine)

Giles's House -- Corresponds to the third house and Gemini, astrologically speaking. Giles is the Watcher, after all, and Gemini is the sign of the Observer/Journalist.

What do I need to "see"/observe this year? What will reward further study?

XII: The Hanged Woman (Spider Woman) / Queen of Swords (Athena)

Immediately, I see these two cards as my mother and me - the Queen of Swords is the court card I tend to identify as me, and I like seeing her portrayed here as Athena... wise, which makes her thoughtful in her actions, but willing to be a warrior when called upon.  Her focus is on strategic warfare - being able to look at the big picture and responding accordingly.

The Hanged Woman here resonates strongly as my mother right now, Alzheimer's rendering her unable to act on her own behalf, stuck in that web and trying to make sense of where each thread of thought goes and waiting to learn what will become of her.

As a part of the process toward establishing guardianship, my sister and I were each asked to develop a long term care plan should Mom relocate to our area.  Our intention is for my sister to become her guardian, so I've not given more than a cursory look at how it would be for her to be with me before now, so I am just now putting careful thought into that and looking at it from all the various aspects... medical and social resources in my town, the impact to all of us should Mom live in my home, etc.  Even though I don't expect that to be the outcome, it's been an interesting exercise to become aware of the possibilities and challenges of doing so.

I think these cards are suggesting I continue to explore the impact of all of this on my actual relationship with my mother - whether she lives here or across the country, there are things I need to learn about who she is becoming and who I am, and develop a plan for maintaining a personal relationship with her now and as the illness progresses.

What I know now is that I will not let myself lose her again.  What I need to observe and learn is how to go about protecting my connection to her. 

Yesterday, I received a huge packet of information from my state's Alzheimer's Association, chock full of information on the disorder and lovingly relating to family members afflicted with the disorder... it will take a long time to process all they have to share.  Between their experienced guidance and learning from Mom what she needs from me, I'll be able to learn what I need to as the year progresses.

How quickly I lose rhythm, eh?

A task intensive project regarding my Mother's situation took over the last few days and have impacted my ability to be here at all.  It's likely to take up hours a day for the next few days as well - and I'm resigned to this being the way of things for the foreseeable future.

But I was in the middle of tackling that Buffy spread, and am going to keep on with it, one position at a time - I think it's safe to say it's just turned into a month long project!

Anya's House Reading (Alchemical)

Anya's House -- Corresponds to the second house and Taurus, astrologically speaking. Anya may no longer be a demon, but she is still crystal clear on what is important. Getting her needs met is paramount, and she has no time for small talk.

What are my basic needs in the coming year? What will quench my lust(s)?

9 of Coins / 3 of Swords

Unlike yesterday's pair, these two don't seem to be connected... rather they speak of two basic needs of mine that must be addressed over this next year.  Not so sure about 'quenching my lusts' - but needs, yes... nonnegotiables.  These are each minors, so they involve nitty gritty daily life... not the Big Lessons, but right down in the trenches where I live.

The first is the 9 of Pentacles, which shows a tree full of coins.  Each coin has a different image...some are people (or gods), others are symbols... a three legged triskele, a flower, a dove, an owl, a sun.  The card itself speaks of material abundance ... enough to secure independence... all that is needed is growing on this tree, and because it is a living tree it will continue to grow.

That absolutely rings true... I need to stabilize my income and budget so that worrying about money isn't a daily concern.  And I need to put some attention to future income as well... planning ahead for later.  Given the current economy, I think this is a basic requirement and worry for everyone, but this is telling me that this year I need to make no excuses and just work on this, because it is about basic survival.

(Anya loved money...she would approve)

The other card is the 3 of Swords, showing a heart impaled by three swords suspended in mid-air.  An eye is in the center of the heart is crying and its tears are watering a rose that is growing out of the rocky ground below.  While it is crying rather than bleeding, "Bleeding Heart" comes to mind.  The rose suggests that even in the most painful of circumstances, something beautiful can grow.  The 3 of Swords itself doesn't only speak of pain, but of truth... truth that cuts to the heart of things, raises painful realities in order to move on from them.

There is a lot... a LOT of grief I have not dealt with, over my mother, my father, my health, and a whole lot of other things.  I've been in 'suck it up and deal' mode for a long, long time now.  And I think this card is letting me know that this year, I need to deal with that as well... work out my grief, stop carrying it and let it water something living and worth holding onto.

I want to be very literal, looking at this, and consider making some time to ritualize all that I've lost and plant some roses in their memory and say goodbye to them.  I'll think on that part later... for now what I need to know is that facing and then releasing that grief is becoming a matter of basic survival as well for me and not putting it off any longer than I need to.

Buffy's House Reading (Alchemical)

Buffy's House -- Corresponds to the first house and Aries, astrologically speaking. The series begins and ends with Buffy, a warrior who is able to kill her lover to save the world. A lot.

Where do I need to develop courage in the coming year? What do I need to slay?

Sun / Hierophant

First I want to say how delighted I am to look at these and know they are not speaking to the current legal issues - I was pretty sure that was where the majority of my year was going to be challenging my sense of courage... this makes me feel hopeful that that will be resolved (or at least at a place of stability rather than 'fight') sooner rather than later.

Instead, these are speaking of something I'd just begun toying with and then set aside when all that hit me... the need to find clarity about my perception and relationship with religion.

Not -A- religion... any form of religion - I've had it brought to my attention in repeated ways that I am skittish about group expressions of spiritual views no matter what form it takes, whether they are views and rituals I share or those I don't.  It's the groupthink that bothers me.. the need to stay with the herd, accept the whole package that gets to me - and its just the teensiest bit possible that I'm allowing my fears and distaste keep me from experiences and connections that might be of value to me.

These two cards, seen together, are interesting.  The Hierophant, representing religious ideology, shows a male figure with his Kingdom of God crown on his head and a red robe (Will) seated on his throne showing a book that has an image of lunar spirit on one side (a dove hovering over a crescent) and three solar images on the other (the Sun and two stars).  One one arm of his chair is a figure of a woman, on the other a man.  In the windows, one view is of the night, the other of the day.  Two candles are on either side of him - red and white, passion and purity.  Everything is compartmentalized and divided... you are this or you are that.  The function of religion is to establish order... you're in or your out, the limits and requirements are laid out for you based on your role, there are usually requirements of belief, behavior, identity.  It all feels very boxed in and often seems arbitrary.. and even when it isn't..even when there is a reason for the compartmentalization that everyone still remembers, I always feel either uncomfortably limited or expected to go along with aspects that I can't in good conscious honestly agree with.

That in a nutshell is the basis of my issues with religion. (and the PTA, but that's a different subject)

Now, the Sun brings clarity and an innocent joyful approach... it takes these concerns and sees them for what they really are - and standing next to the Hierophant, this looks like spiritual expression rather than religious expression.  Many of the same elements are present.. here the Sun and the Moon both share the same sky instead of being bound by the limits of window frames (perceptions).  The figures are not lifeless statues, but alive and joyful, and are coming together rather than being separated by the Hierophant's authority.  A crown, rather than planted on the head of the heirophant hovers over them both - here they have a joint share in it.  Finally, rather than being housed within manmade walls, they are floating above a natural setting, at the center and a part of the space between the mundane world and that of spirit.

To me this suggests that with clarity comes spiritual truth... but also that religion houses at least a construct for that spiritual truth... the elements are there even if they aren't organic or blended.

So what do I need courage for this year? To explore religion without fears that keep me from going near it.  What do I need to slay? Those fears that keep me from gaining clarity on this subject.  Fears that keep me from seeing that even my distrust comes from putting religion into a labeled box the same way I worry about being boxed in myself.

Should be interesting.

Birthday Reading

I wanted to do an annual outlook reading for my birthday, and had decided a few weeks ago to do the Buffy New Year Spread because hey! Buffy!  I've felt rather like a vampire slaying warrior lately, and it looked fun.

But for a lot of reasons (sore arm, looong spread, wanting to take time to consider each part of the reading), I decided to take each part a day at a time, draw a pair for each position and let that be my daily reading for the next few days (but looking at the big picture year ahead).  It seems a lot more manageable and meaningful  that way.

Tricky...

Remember that nice, quiet contemplative day I had coming? Well.... (Tarot has a twisted sense of humor, if you ask me)

Just after posting, I got the paper I was waiting on...yay!  So my next step was to run out to the nearest notary, get it signed and stamped, then quickly get it scanned and back to the lawyer.  Except, just outside the notary's place, I somehow tripped and wound up splayed out full length on the sidewalk. 

Embarrassing and painful for anyone, but I have an artifical hip and falling has a high risk of popping it out of joint in a very bad way requiring a trip to ER with me screaming "Kill me now!!" (it's happened twice and is beyond doubt the worst pain I can imagine - far far worse than the original break that required the prosthetic). 

So boom.. I landed hard straight on my hip and that's a good thing because if I'd hit it at any sort of angle, I'd have dislocated... instead I just wound up with a really good bruise where the flesh got smashed between the concrete sidewalk and the metal femur.  As soon as I was sure I wasn't dislocated, the rest didn't seem so bad... I needed to get up off the sidewalk without dislocating and wasn't sure how to go about that, but otherwise.. ok, if not great.  One skinned up knee and my arm didn't seem to want any weight on it.

My son in law was with me, and we were talking over how I might go about getting up (I'm on my stomach at this point, looking like I might take a little nap here on the sidewalk), when the notary came out to see what had happened.  He overheard me saying "I don't have TIME for this.. I have to get up somehow and get this notarized!" and he very helpfully (and sincerely) said if it was an emergency, he would be happy to bring his stamp out and have me sign and notarize it right there.

Which was a hilarious image!  And it makes me wonder just what sort of emergency notarizations is he used to dealing with, that he offered that option without blinking??

I declined the offer and told him I'd be in in a few minutes, got into a sitting position just in time for some mild shock to hit me and sat for about 5 minutes til the dizziness passed, then got my SIL to help carefully get me up and went and got the paperwork done.

We'd had some other errands planned but after that I was done for the day.

REALLY done... I spent the remainder of the day resting and couldn't do anything *but* contemplate my mood because my arm was too dead to do anything else and my brain couldn't formulate a rational thought to save my life.  I kept hiccuping between relief that I wasn't in ER again, amusement over the image of signing legal papers while laying on the sidewalk, and practicing various ways to say 'ow'.

Not exactly *how* I pictured a contemplative day happening, but possibly the only way I'd actually have one.

But seriously.. a Tower would have been a lot more informative.

As for me, two days later my arm is still sore and only somewhat responsive (there is a bundle of nerves in the forearm that I mashed and they're a bit short ciruited right now), but I don't feel damaged... only hurt.

Yesterday was my birthday, and I happily spent the day chilling out and being pampered, so I really did get my downtime, just in a very unexpected way.

Daily Reading (Alchemical) High Priestess / Queen of Vessels

Starting a new month and a new week and I'm going to try to get back into this regularly.  This week I'm going to use the lovely Alchemical Tarot and draw two cards a day for Theme and Response.

Today's Theme:
The High Priestess
The High Priestess is the keeper of secrets, wisdom and intuition.  In this image, she stands quietly on a lunar boat as water rushes swiftly past her, but she appears to be calm and unflappable.  In her right hand is a green book that appears to have a lock on it (like those little diary locked books we had as young girls).  There is a downward facing 'receptive' triangle on the face of the book.  With her left hand the High Priestess holds her index finger to her lips as if saying 'shhh..don't tell'.  She is dressed, fully covered, in a purple robe and wears a crescent moon circlet covering her forehead.  Above her, to her right, a full moon lights up the night sky.

Today should be a fairly quiet day, at least internally for me (externally, I have some errands to run assuming I hear back on some paperwork I need to get notarized) - a good day to get back in touch with my inner self and to hear the voice of my own intuition. 

It is striking me that I may not hear back or get the paperwork I'm waiting for at all.. that the silence suggested by the High Priestess is going to color my day by waiting in vain.  (I'll figure that out by the end of the day - due to time zone differences, there is only a small window of opportunity for getting what I need, getting to a notary, and back to them before the end of their workday).

Whether it comes or not ... and I do hope it does... I will be able to use the stillness of waiting to good effect if I let myself be quiet and listen.

Recommended Response:
Queen of Vessels

There are some interesting similarities and comparisons between this Queen of Cups and the High Priestess... the same receptive triangle that is one the HP's book is in the upper left corner of the card. They are each riding the water, although with the HP, she appears to be stationary while the water moves past her... here, the Queen of Vessels is clearly pushing forward through the water, leaving a trail as she goes.   Instead of riding in a lunar boat, the Queen, one of the merfolk, curls her own tail into a crescent shape so that she appears to be riding the top of the water.  She is entirely unclothed, but her tail fin and a ruffle of fins that look like a small skirt have a purplish hue.  The scene is daytime here and there is no heavenly body in the sky, but the round vessel she carries looks similar to the moon hanging overhead in the HP card.  Rather than a lunar head circlet, the Queen wears an ornate crown and her hair hangs freely.  She isn't looking outward at me, but instead is gazing at the round vessel she carries.

In some ways, this Queen is more open than the High Priestess.. she isn't fully dressed, and what she contemplates (the round vessel) is on open display rather than hidden in a book.  She is not separated from the water by a lunar boat, but swims through it - the lunar qualities are a part of who she is, without ever being directly referenced.  And she is not still, but moves through the emotional waters naturally.

In terms of a response, this Queen is very comfortable and at home with emotional and intuitive concerns - she consciously lives in this world and uses the guidance she receives to move freely in this world.  She is not secretive or ashamed of her feelings (if in fact she even notices that anyone observes her at all).  At the same time, she doesn't look as if she's concerned that much about explaining what she knows of her watery world.. she is receptive to information and understanding - not so much involved in trying to express it.  It just is.

So if I am to have a quiet day with the opportunity to turn inward and listen to the voice of wisdom, this is telling me that it is a good day to handle some of the emotions I've been pushing off for later - to heed them, feel them, live with them.

It may not be as 'productive' a day as I'd hoped for, but it could be a very necessary and positive day to tune out the world, and tune into myself.