Journey in 78 Steps

Daily Read: 6 Wands / 9 Cups (Llewellyn Deck)

For the next little while, I'll be working with the Llewellyn Tarot, which uses myth and imagery from Scottish tradition, as a variant of RWS' symbolism.  I'd purchased this deck for my daughter a couple years ago, and she recently handed it back to me on the premise that it's better that it get used now and then, and she's 'not really into it'.  Much better outcome than finding them being used as bookmarks!

My daily life continues to be a struggle to get on top of pain and swelling enough to do something with the day, so I was very pleased to see such two positive cards turn up.

The 6 of Wands, showing the over all energy for the day is one of victory and accomplishment - and kudos offered for those achievements.   The 9 of Cups has to do with having all of one's desires lined up, available to use and to share.

So I sat and thought, "Oh this is great.... I'm going to be able to achieve what I want to today...so what do I want?"  And I thought about a few simple tasks I wanted to get done, visualizing my hands pain free and my energy up to accomplish them.  Nothing huge.. just some general maintanence, like clearing out the fridge, typing a couple long chatty emails to friends, getting some work done.  Laundry crossed my mind too, but our machine has been on the fritz ever since some pipes froze a few weeks ago and blew a couple things inside - meaning I have been having to save up to get needed repairs done there.

But then, not 10 minutes after I drew these cards, my son in law took 'one more look' at it and came out announcing that what we thought was a pump problem was really a hose problem and he got it all put back properly...so let the laundry begin!

We sorted into piles... lots of neat mounds leading to the laundry room while I proclaimed D to be a total GENIUS... and then I looked at the piles... like cups, waiting to get put into the water, and cracked myself up.

I love it when the cards go literal. Love it.

Daily Draw - 9 of Cups

A woman holding a child is seated on a carved bench - they each have golden halos, like a Madonna and Child. The floor is brown and beige checks and there is a white dog with a collar laying at the woman's left foot. In front of the dog there is a plate of food and a long tailed dark bird with a white chest is standing near the plate.

Behind the woman are black drapes covering up some sort of surface that is curved around the woman's back. Over her head on the top of the draped surface are nine golden cups, lined up in a row.

Behind the black drapery I can barely make out what might be a window - I can make out glimpses of trees and darkness that may be pillars or window dividers... I think it must be night, because the lighting showing the trees is very dim.

This is a very mysterious version of this card! The dark drapery remind me of being in mourning - covering the windows to signify grief. And yet, there is nothing sad happening in the card - the woman has her child and the two of them are divine (the halos). The dog is fed and content, and the bird signifies to me that there is enough to share and song and pleasure available. The floor shows age but it is stable and speaks to me of old wealth and an orderly life - and of course she has all those golden cups all lined up neatly on top of the symbols of mourning and mystery.

What does look sad to me here is the way that this orderly, well off life seems so isolated and closed off from the world that she hasn't even left a way to see what's out there beyond this room.

I'm left with the same impression I always get about this so-called 'wish card' - that these wishes are a cheap imitation of actual possibility and that this is less about actual fulfillment than it is about narrowing one's life in order to hang onto one's desires, without leaving any room at all for inspiration.

Everything here seems to be for show - see my child? see my dog? see how I have everything I want? Even the mourning cloth seems to be for show and serves more to say 'see how deep I am?' than to let enough of the world in to truly allow for honest grief.

Deviant Moon Lunatic Spread

I've been working on this for days - the actual reading was done on the 18th with short notes in my private journal, but I wanted to put up something coherent and with images here.  This involved more fussing with my scanner than I would have liked and it hit me during a not so verbal phase - so chipping it it bit by bit...

I didn't ask a question other than what should I be aware of covering the next couple of months.  The spread itself is the one that's included with the Deviant Moon deck (which comes with a paper tarot cloth showing this same spread).  Lots of hidden' stuff and influences, with I think is perfectly compatible with a deck devoted to offkilter lunar concerns.

The Inquirer: Present Day - self and all circumstances in your present position in life

THE LOVERS

A pale woman and dark man are standing on a sandy shore near a large pool or water, locked in an intimate embrace - the woman's right leg is lifted upward (as if about to wrap it around his hip and pull him closer) and her head is tilted back as he nuzzles her neck.  Her eyes are closed but his are open and gazing at her.  They are both naked other than a red flat cap with yellow triangles trimming the edge which the man is wearing.  A snake is on the ground near the man's left foot and has bit him just above the ankle.

In the distance, and reflected in the pool, there is a line of mountains - the general color of the sand, pool, mountains and even the sky is brownish-gold.  Hanging over the couple is a full moon with a face smiling at them and a ray of mist emanating toward the couple from the moon, as if it is blowing moondust down on them.

This is an overtly sexual depiction of the Lovers.  The snake provides a hint of Adam and Eve (warning, perhaps, of the cost of giving over oneself to love).  The couple show a contrast between the full moon and dark moon - here, it is the male that is the dark moon figure and yet he is also the one in the active 'taking' position while the full moon female is shown as the more receptive one, eyes closed, receiving a kiss. This suggests to me  that the choice to Love requires letting one's irrational inner self take over...and one's conscious persona be willing to receive and not be in full control of what happens.

I wonder if the real cost the snake represents is that 'knowledge' makes it hard to let go and receive love without counting the cost? (I actually have a whole different take on Adam and Eve... but musing from within the traditional mythical construct here)

So.. this is where I am right now... making choices that involve my relationship with those I love, and needing to let go...stop counting that cost and give into it...trust that, just as the Moon here blesses the union, it will be all right.  And beyond my relationship with others there is the aspect of consciously stepping back and letting myself be seduced by my own dark moon inner self.

Past Influences - events from the past that shape the present

THE EMPRESS

A pale woman in a purple cloak and blue and gold headdress sits on a concrete stool on top of a black and white checkered floor that is surrounded by a lush wild garden.  Under the purple cloak, the woman appears to have a sharply ridged spine (like a leaf edge or lizard) and a thick green appendage that seems to be a tail comes from under the cloak and wraps around the woman's foot and up to her arm, where it becomes a green stem wrapping around her wrist and ending in an orange tuliplike flower that she holds.

The woman has a double set of breasts (the better to feed you with, my dear) and dark hair under the headdress.  In the sky, there is a waning crescent moon in the upper left corner.

The first thing that strikes me is the checkered floor - while the Empress is goddess of growing things, she still sits on a solid orderly foundation.  The other thing that gets me is that tail that seems to be both animal and plant - contained with in her is all living things, and the multiple breasts with which to sustain and nourish them.

It is my aspect as mother which has most profoundly shaped my past and impacts my present when it comes to relationships of all sorts - no matter who I am involved with, my parenthood is a part of the puzzle.  No matter what choices I make in terms of connectedness, my relationship with my children must be factored in.  And my way of relating to them impacts how I tend to relate to others.  In parenthood, especially, there is a need to give into the needs of the relationship and not count the cost (at least not after you've taken that step - and I took mine while just on the brink of adulthood, so I do not have any other way of being to compare this to - whatever else changes around me, I am now and always will be a mother).

Subconscious Influences - Underlying forces in the inquirer's mind, dreams, subconscious thoughts

10 of SWORD

A golden hairless figure (reminds me of a buddha having a very, very bad day) is crammed into a small wooden box. Ten swords have been thrust into the box and are trapping or piercing the figure and a look of agony is on the figure's face.  Swords pierce his nose, his heart region, his left hand (lifted up as if to say, "Stop! No more!" his left forearm and knee and his left foot.  Meanwhile his right side limbs are completely trapped by swords so he is unable to move or resist the onslaught.

Ouch... So first thought... "I don't feel that way!" and then heh... subconscious, my dear - this is where the denial happens.

And the truth is, this is where I have lived for the last few years - betrayed, boxed in and trapped by the details of my marriage breaking up... the details aren't necessary here... that deep down, I'm still carrying this is.

This card is utterly grim - there's no glint of a new day dawning and it reminds me of one of those horrible tests in the Saw movies... if you want to get out you're going to have to yank yourself off those swords and be willing to cut by a few more of them and then you have to figure out how to get out of that box. 

So subconsciously, I'm still here - I've worked to consciously not feel this way, but that's been mainly by sitting very still and not thinking about it.  This card is letting me know that I'm going to have to actually work my way out of the devastation or I'm still here, whether I acknowledge it or not.

Like I say...ouch.

Secret Desires and Wishes - Hopes and dreams not yet realized

THE FOOL

An here is the opposite of that boxed in golden child - the Fool, tromping freely through a shallow pool (there are gondolas - this is a watery street) and playing with the fishes. 

The Fool here is of the dark moon and there is a waxing moon in the sky - he may not appear to be doing much other than playing, but this is a time of growth.  The Fool wears a red and white striped outfit that could be a jester's costume, but looks more like a pair of pajamas and nightcap.  While everyone sleeps, he's out frolicking.

And yes.. hopes and dreams not yet realized... to be free and playful without any cares and without always having to consider what might go wrong.  This Fool is enjoying the world of emotions and intuition (not impaled by thoughts and strategies) and has a deep unabashed trust that things will be ok and can take care of themselves.  This looks like a good place to be and yes, I would like this .. or at least more of this... in my life.

Hidden Influences - Unseen powers that affect the inquirer
9 of CUPS

Here we go again... the 9 of Cups continues to turn up for me in readings all over the place, usually in some sort of 'unseen' context.

In this version, there is a dark moon figure dressed in a tailored brown outfit and a tight pigtail sitting on the beach near a body of water.  The figure is holding a lamp from which a dark genii has appeared, surrounded by a ring of golden cups.  The genii has a 'third eye' in the midle of his forehead.  There is a waning moon hanging low in the sky.

I have to just give in on this one... unseen powers that affect me have to do with someone or some situation that has the power and is willing to use it to grant me what I wish.  And believing this.. takes busting through that 10 of Swords box, because all of those swords are inscribed with 'I got into this by trusting that I could have what was promised'.

I think this 9 of Cups keeps popping up to tell me to trust - and that's scarier than that image of the box.  Makes sense, I suppose... if I really want that Fool, trust has to come first.

Thing is... in those genii stories, 'be careful what you wish for' is always the message, isn't it?  I continue to not know how to relate to this card.

Events to Come - Future happenings in the inquirer's destiny

5 of CUPS

Yikes what a wretched image - a pair of dark moon figures stand on a balcony near the sea.  The woman, wearing an apron and red headscarf is angrily pointing and waving at the man, who appears to be smaller than she is and fairly well dressed. He wears a purple cap and a look of anxiety and is covering his ears to block out her words.  Three spilled cups (the liquid could be red wine but it looks like blood) are discarded on the ground near his feet, and a pair of upright cups are on the wall next to the couple.  The moon is full and entirely blank faced.

This is regret for choices that have lead to an unbearable situation and quite honestly it looks a lot more like my past and my marriage than anything I'm likely to allow into my world in the future... yes, i've been that nag married to someone tuning me out (I've also been the one being criticised).... regretted being in a situation where I felt I had to nag - and definitely regretted being in a situation where carelessness led to emotional concerns being treated like trash and wasted.  Both of us at fault for that one, yes.

So what's this mean for the future.. because, seriously, I won't ever let myself be in that situation again - it was an enormously painful place to be and too many years wasted on it for the sake of whatever dribbles were left in those upright cups.  But this may be working along with that 10 of Swords... and that in my future, I've got some actual letting go of this frustration and regret to come.  Another step in the two of us breaking the emotional hold we've got on each other  (which, at this point, is almost entirely quietly hostile and negative). That'd be good - some sincere neutrality would be a good thing - otherwise, we've both moved on but that undercurrent still exists. I'd like to get to a point where I can honestly (key word, that) say that I've let go of the betrayal I feel about how it played out (not that it played out - that part was a good thing. we were not good together) and it'd be nice to believe that he isn't justifying those decisions by continuing to talk about how terrible I am to people that don't even know me.

I'll take this as a positive indicator of that possibility... the notion that that day isn't comin is just unbearable... neither of us should be continuing to expend energy on hostility and negativity at this point.

Surrounding Environment - Elements of home, work, community, etc.

WHEEL OF FORTUNE

The figures on this card are pale, full moon in aspect.  A large woman (Lady Luck?) is dressed in a green dress and red coat and headscarf, trimmed in gold.  Her feet are bare.  A small figure with a tail, naked except for a red and gold cap (like a trained monkey's cap) is seated on a stool, hands on face and looking awestruck and scared, watching the woman crank the handle on a large wheel behind the pair.

The wheel itself is metallic and embossed with various images - a broken heart, a palm, a face, a moon, a star... A pair of fish decorate the wheel and a monkey faced imp with wings looks on from overhead, wielding a pair of small wands.

The phrase that comes to mind here is 'Oh no, what now??  And in terms of my environment...family, friends, community... this is most definitely how it's been lately for us all, hasn't it? Hanging on and apprehensively wondering what the next monkey wrench is going to be - feeling as if far too much is dependent on circumstances beyond our personal control.

Lately, Lady Luck has been nobody's friend.

Influence of Others - how those you meet or deal with affect your persona

ACE of CUPS

A dark moon woman with stone wings is seated, facing left. She's wearing a gauzy gown of blue and purple, trimmed in gold and wears a golden armband, a bracelet and ring connected by a golden chain, a golden neck cuff and a gold tiara with a red stone in the middle and twelve spikes (6 white, and 6 black).  Her hair is in tight beaded braids.

She's holding a golden, two-handled chalice decorated with vines - the handles are seahorses.

A full moon looks down with a calm face and is breathing a strong ray of moondust down into her cup.  The woman's face has a soft smile on it - she seems to be contented and happy.

This card tells me that every person I meet or am in contact with is a fresh opportunity for emotional openness - that people are where my potential for emotional growth lies.  This rings very true for me - it is in my relationships (including those who are only in my life for as long as it takes me to pay for something at a checkout counter) that I experience emotional richness.   This reading seems to be very much about my emotional life - and here is a reminder that all of my encounters contain the potential to help me grow into the person I wish to be.

For all that there are things beyond my control and old wounds to address and heal, as long as I remember that people are what matter most, I have within myself the the ability to feel abundance and love.

Spiritual Forces - Effects of spiritual influence over your question
2 of CUPS

A couple stand in the corner of a room which looks out over a city scene where a clock can be seen striking midnight.

The male is a skeleton (Death?), wearing a fancy cream outfit and red cloak and hood covered with a gold scarf.  The woman is dark with long black hair that is covered in glowing lights (stars?).  There is clearly a flirtation happening here - he leans against the wall behind her and she seems to be winking at him.  They hold a pair of gold chalices as if toasting one another. 

A golden ribbon wraps down the male's left leg and is curled around her right foot.  The toenails on her left foot are painted red, while those on her right are painted black.  Some spilled wine (blood) is sprinkled on the ground between their feet.

The same checked floor as on the Empress card is on the floor here.  In the distance, there is a factory blowing smoke from its chimneys.

This is partnership - these two appear to be very different and yet there does seem to be a complementary connection between death and darkness that works.  While this is new and flirtatious, the connection has been made and since this is about spiritual influences, this suggests to me here to seek spirituality in the realm of connections... a confirmation of the Ace's message and also a suggestion to connect to those subconscious and hidden influences this reading has highlighted.  Death's connection to the 10 of Swords - letting things go... and the hidden mystery I have with that 9 of cups pointing to this dark woman's head full of stars seem to be speaking here... they are connected somehow and can come together in a spiritual way for me.

(This reading is speaking on a level that is hard to draw up into the realm of words... if that sounded like babble it makes sense to me but I'm not sure how well I'm expressing it)

Final Outcome - Culmination of Events - result/answer to question

4 of PENTACLES

Here is Death again, this time female, wearing a dark cloak and hood and a frightening face. She wears a clock around her neck showing the time as 9:40 - a waxing moon is in the sky near a large building with a pair of smoking chimneys.  Death is leading away a richly dressed man (gold and purple) wearing a crown.  He has one shoe on and one off, as if he's being hustled away on short notice and he's looking back anxiously at the building he's leaving behind.

In his arms, he's clutching four pentacles... all he was able to take with him before he goes.  Death is leading him into a building or furnace filled with a raging fire, but the man doesn't seem to be even looking at where he's headed because he's so worried about what he's leaving behind.

Begs the question...just what does he think he's going to do with those pentacles he hangs onto so desperately?

This is a rather disturbing culmination card, eh?  The short answer here is 'you can't take it with you' - and even if you could, what's the point?  The reading suggests to me that it's hanging onto those old thoughts of betrayal that keeps me clutching for the status quo... in actuality, things are changing... the Wheel shows how circumstances are changing no matter how still I try to sit.  The Fool in the place of my hopes shows a need to travel very lightly.  The rest remind me over and over that it's in emotions not things... people not circumstances... where my true path lies.

This person, with his one shoe off and hugging coins to himself looks far more foolish than the Fool does.

---

I'm rather awestruck at the richness of this reading and this deck - I wasn't sure if I could read with it at all, but I can.  It's going to take a lot of practice to capably put these images into words... they truly do access the subconscious, below the level of language.

I've been mulling on this reading for a long time, and it continues to bear fruit.  And I think I may have a new favorite deck.

Mother's Day Reading

I wasn't expecting much of a Mother's Day (nor was that a disappointment - other than helping me with some chores, I really didn't want a big deal kind of day).  The kids have been sick and we're all sort of wandering around in mumbling 'bleah' these last couple days.

But I had a call from my 22 year old to start the day and then surprisingly, the two at home had a big bag full of goodies for me - candles, lip balm, a set of bags (ranging from makeup bag to fullsized tote), windchimes, and all sorts of other odds and ends that made me smile repeatedly.  (My favorite would be hard to choose but the mug that says "The best part of waking up is the first three pots of coffee." wins for biggest belly laugh.)

So, we're still all bleah and if I want the dishes done I'd better go do them, but that was really sweet and unexpected and I know it took them some work and thought to pull it all together.  I got good kids.

I want to close out my time with the Housewives Tarot with a reading for Mother's Day and chose this one from the Aeclectic Tarot.  I am a daughter, a mother and a grandmother and liked the way this focuses on the legacy of motherhood that comes from the past and the way it is passed onto the future.  We are links in a chain.  I modified it a bit expanding it to include my grandmother and grandchildren.

What have I inherited from my grandmothers?
XVII: The Star

I didn't have a close relationship with either of my grandmothers and most of what I know of them comes from family legend and hints of stories never fully told.  My father's mother passed away a few months before I was born, and from all accounts, she was a firecracker and a bit of a renegade.  I'm not honestly sure how much traditional mothering she offered... I get the idea that my dad pretty much fended for himself... but he had a fierce love for her that brooked no criticism.  What I do think I get about who she was was that she saw what wasn't there often...  always looked beyond her situation and searched for hope for better things.  She wasn't always practical about making it so, but she had a vision that it might be possible.  The Star here speaks well to that.

My mother's mother was an occasional visitor in my life, and I liked her very much - she also had a very difficult life and seemed to bloom in her old age after she became a widow.  The things I remember about her were her fondness for soap operas and the color purple (I share her fondness for purple and don't watch soaps, though I do think of her whenever someone tries to explain an intricate plot to me, having mastered the art of smiling and nodding when she'd 'catch me up' on the doings of her imaginary TV friends) and a trip I took with her on the bus to the mall when I was about 12... she knew the bus driver, the fellow passengers and what seemed like every single worker in the mall - their names, their families, the gossip of their lives, and to each one, she beamingly introduced me as her granddaughter from out of town.  Gramma really liked people and was fearless about getting out where she could get to know them.  This is also the Star ... she had a way of making everyone feel like a Star in her world, like a major actor in a living drama there for her enjoyment and appreciation.  She, too, had a way of seeing beyond the ordinariness of the ordinary and making it something special.

I like thinking I've perhaps inherited this gift from each of them... I know it's a trait that sometimes caused their own children, my parents, some concern (much legitimate) and embarrassment, but I like thinking I've got a touch of it in me as well.

What have I inherited from my mother?
XIII: Death

This is sad, but true.  There is an intergenerational 'thing' in my family that makes us completely lose contact once we've hit adulthood... the extended family is very fragmented and uncommunicative and it's not anyone's fault... or everyone's fault.  But this is the reality - my parents and I have not spoken in years and I've given up hope that we ever will, and it's not that we're officially Not Talking... we just don't. (That used to hurt a lot, but I've let it go.. it just is what it is.)  She rarely spoke with her own mother for reasons I'm not clear on, and this has already slipped into the next generation - my oldest daughter and I have not communicated in a long while and we both have compelling reasons/excuses for not pursuing it.  (On the other hand, her younger sister, also grown, stays in close contact with me, and I don't know if my mom stays in better touch with my sisters - I know her mother was in much more frequent contact with my mother's sister, who lived locally to her)

This is a sad legacy - while in one sense, I acknowledge that one's family aren't always composed of the people who understand you best or who are the people you'd voluntarily elect to socialize with if they weren't family, it starts feeling a lot less like a choice than a legacy when you see it happening repeatedly in one family.  There is something about us that doesn't seem to sustain the parent/child relationship past the point where the child is dependent on the parent for care.

And if you'd asked me what the best thing I'd learned from my mother, I'd say that it was independence... so it's not all bad.  But somehow we never found a good replacement for that dependent type relationship and so just let it go.  And I feel guilty and a bit lost that I seem to have passed that on without meaning to.  I am very hopeful that it will not play out this way with my other children.

What aspect of motherhood am I learning now?
7 of Pentacles

This card shows a woman watering a tree that is heavy with Pentacle fruit, surrounded by flowering bushes.  She's smiling at her bounty and carries a basket of cuttings.  This does speak well to where I am now... my 'baby' is nearly 15 and the biggest hands-on aspects of mothering are behind me... now I am at a stage where I can see my children developing into the adults they are becoming and by and large I very much like what I see - I'm at a place where, other than some maintenance work, I can be more of an observer and trust that their growth is going well.

It is a much more peaceful aspect of motherhood for me than it was in their earlier years, and also more trusting of the process than I was when my older girls were teens - I've now seen that over time things do work out... they do grow and mature over time and it's much easier to enjoy the stages than it was when I was less experienced.  It's no lie.. the more kids you have, the easier it gets, not harder, and that has to do with getting more aligned with the stages and development over time of the children in our hearts.  I really like the image on this card - it says 'life is good. stop and take time to enjoy it.'

What legacy am I passing onto my daughters as they become mothers?

4 of Swords

I hope this is true.. this card shows a woman taking time out for some self-care and this is something I often forgot when they were younger... as much as I didn't want to, I often got into a rut of martyring my needs for theirs, to the benefit of no one.  The 4 of Swords is a reminder that taking care of oneself is also a way of caring for others... not only because a tired, burnt out mother is not a very good mother, but because by taking care of our own wellbeing, we are teaching our children to value themselves as well.  It is my hope that as my daughters become parents, they will never lose themselves to the role or make the mistake of thinking that non-stop sacrifice is what makes for a good mother. Children want their parents to be happy and well cared for too, and it's good for them to see that it's possible to be a caregiver to others without losing the ability to care for oneself as well.

What legacy can I pass onto my grandchildren?

9 of Cups

Hah! And here it is again.. the 9 of Cups.  And an interesting version too ... here it shows a couple under a Christmas tree opening gifts, while 9 silver goblets hover overhead.  There's something about this card that indicates that my relationship to my grandchildren - none of whom are local to me - can best come by being the keeper of special occasions and traditions... those moments where we are most likely to get what we 'wish' for, but beyond sending them a pony or a drum set (hee!), I see this as a part of what I never really had and wanted from my own grandparents... the stories, the history... the family traditions that put structure into the mix and holds an extended family together across time, generation, and distance.  This makes me want to provide my grandchildren with those stories of their own parents, and me, and my parents and grandparents.. to be the gateway to the wider family they can't know other than through story and recipes and customs.  I want to be more mindful of my role here... this feels important.

Happy mothers day to all the mothers and the children of mothers... nurture one another and yourselves. And man... go wash the dishes for her, ok?

Daily Draw: 9 of Cups

my description:
Colors are pink, purple and blue.  The setting of the Cups suit is underwater, and here the upright figure is a salmon colored sea creature facing forward in what seems to be a posture of meditation, hands resting, palms up on what would be its knees, eyes seem to be closed.  Nine cups are emanating out in a circular pattern from the figures gut or center, and a school of pink fish are swimming in a halo around its head.  Reversed, a purplish-rose figure looks to the side, arms crossed and the head fins are flowing back from its face (it is more affected by the movement of the water).  A school of eels are circling this one's head.

And so again with the Wish Card, eh? I still distrust this card and envy those who can see it and just think 'yay, all my wishes will come true!'

But what does this version have to tell me about wishes?

First, I see focused intent in the upright figure.  I see the fulfillment of those wishes coming from within one's own center, not raining down from some outside Santa Claus.  If I want to safely wish, I must be willing to focus on what it is I truly want and understand that making them happen comes from within.

Reversed, I see the hazard of wishes - not paying attention to them, crossing arms and rejecting them.  Not wishing for things that are good for me (but instead eels that will harm).  Being tossed around by emotion and letting that determine my wishes.  And the rosy color of this figure..wishful thinking. Wishing instead of thinking and instead of doing anything to bring them forth.

New Moon in Aries Reading

This entry will be growing as I work on it.

Tonight is this year's Aries New Moon... a time to look at self-identity and to initiate growing independence throughout the year.

I've a spread that's been stored in my copy of Orphalese that  I've been wanting to try for awhile - unfortunately, it's listed as only having come from 'shari' so i can't properly credit it.  However, the notes included mention that this is inspired by Gail Woods' "Rituals of the Dark Moon: 13 Lunar Rites for a Magical Path" which highlights a different aspect for each phase of the Moon (making a distinction between the Dark Moon and the New Moon).  I think it makes for an elegant and rich spread for inner exploration.  Because of how in-depth this reading is, I want to take my time here, so this entry will build slowly while I work through it.

Here is the spread and the cards I've drawn, asking "What do I need to know in order to begin a path toward a balanced state of independence?".  I'll be leaving these cards up this next month where I can look at it and switching decks after today:

x x x 1 x x x
x 8 x x x 2 x
7 x x 9 x x 3
x 6 x x x 4 x
x x x 5 x x x

1. New Moon - Maiden - Emerge
What is emerging right now in your life. You may just be feeling this, it has not yet actually come fully into your conscience.

Ace of Swords

The Ace of Swords speaks of potential mental energy or opportunities - with this in the 'emerging' position it makes me think that this next month will be one when I will be able to start conceiving of an educational path for myself.  And in fact, I've got a couple of education-related things to check on (regarding possibilities that, until last weekend I was positive where a dead issue - they've just resurrected as a possibility), just to get a handle on where I am now.  I am hopeful this Ace is pointing toward a positive outlook for getting started there, but that sheath is also reminding me to be cautious - don't invest too heavily mentally or emotionally until I've got that preliminary research taken care of.

2. Waxing Crescent Moon - Amazon - Champion
What you feel passionate about. This is something you are willing to fight for, or something you are fighting (for).

Queen of Wands

Here, I'm looking at aspects of identity - I'm passionate about who I am...passionate about being passionate about what it is I'm passionate about. (hah.. had to get that loop-de-loop bunch of words out of my head there...)

Honestly, I've not been experiencing much fire in my life lately - this winter really took a toll on my physically and my energy and enthusiasm has been very low - physically and sexually, I've almost been in hibernation.  "Good" has been defined as calm and stationary... after the chaos of last year (moving, divorcing, financial changes for the worse, and health problems all slamming into me at the same time), fire has gotten tied into painful trauma for me. 

I see... I need to be willing to fight for some renewed energy and joy for myself... I need to reconnect to sexual desire without being afraid of whether or not I'll get burned.  I need to have dreams and goals I'm willing to work for without procrastinating because I'm afraid it won't work out.  I need to fight, simply put, for my life.

This idea shouldn't scare me, but as I type this I am feeling nervous and almost teary.  But this Queen is in me... she can help me here.  I have to just let her out.

 

3. 1st Quarter Moon - Lover - Integrate

This is something that you are trying to integrate into you life. It may feel like it doesn't belong, but it will fit if you choose to work at it. It will require a choice and desire.

XVI: The Tower

Heh.  Got to love it when a reading has a sense of humor.  All that I described above... that was my Tower year.  Everything that I built up around me fell apart.  And what I've been doing since is trying to recover from it, mostly by crawling away and making myself and my life very small in order to manage a life out of the rubble.

And I have to not get past all that, but to integrate it? To love it?  This one is going to take a lot more thought to process because yes, it totally feels like it doesn't belong - I am getting better about not thinking 'this shouldn't have happened this way' but I do still think that.  But it did happen, and my life now isn't a false life based on a wrong series of events that never should have happened... this is what is.  Who I am for the rest of my life is rooted in large part on all of that... so I suppose I might as well embrace it and look for what positive meaning it all has for me.

What, in general, can I embrace about the Tower?  It is the destroyer of illusion and false confidence.  The lightning doesn't just zap the tower from without... in this image it looks like the light inside is bursting out.  There are things within me that could never show themselves if the Tower hadn't been burst open.  I can embrace the catalyst for that emergence.

Definitely, bears some more contemplation on this.

 

4. Gibbous Moon - Priestess - Initiate
This is where you are spiritually. It is what you are learning about yourself that is spiritually connected to your current path. 

 XIX: The Sun

I don't often get the Sun card in readings for myself - this is a bit of a surprise! And this particular one is very appealing... the sun, the solar system around it, and the wheel of the Zodiac. 

My relationship with spirituality... my beliefs... tend toward a very freeform pagan humanism.  I believe we're a part of the universe, and connected by it.  I acknowledge cycles of time... the turning of the seasons.. because they root us and show growth and movement of each of us as individuals and collectively.  I get much more spiritually out of watching a sunrise or looking through a telescope than I ever would communing together in any overt spiritual setting, and I don't worry about 'belief' as the marker for how I'm doing.  Things are either in alignment with me or they aren't.  That is not at all well articulated but I'll remember what I meant when I read that back later.

So this sun card ... that's what it calls to me.  Everything is in its place, and it all works together - each planet, each star, each house on the wheel is separate and individual... they've got their own paths, their own quirks... but they're held together by a greater whole.  They each turn on their axis, and around the sun... and the sun itself is wheeling around the galaxy, which is wheeling around the universe.  We're each turning in multiple ways, alone and together, every second of our life.  Spirituality, for me, is in becoming aware of the connections.  Respecting the individuality and uniqueness of everyone and everything, while not mistaking it for solitariness.  We're all in this together.

Generally, the Sun is about clarity... about the grand light of truth and joy in the reality of it all.  Yes.  That's the summation of what aligns me spiritually - the cosmic YES to all that is.

5. Full Moon - Mother - Nurture
This is what you nurture in yourself as well as others. This is a part of who you are and you feel most complete when you allow yourself to express this.

9 of Cups

And here he is again - the happy bartender who has prepared all that he wishes to surround himself with and is prepared and eager to share it.  Nurturing myself means letting myself acknowledge my own wishes, making them happen, and sharing the bounty with those around me.  This is how I can best care for myself and others.

I love the sense of this - that looking after my own dreams isn't taking from those in my life - it's the first step to being able to nurture and care for others.  Before you can have something to give, you first have to gather it together for yourself.

So the short message here - focus on manifesting what makes me happy... take care of myself.  In doing so, I'll be better able to take care of those I love.  I've seen the truth in that time and again... good reminder here.

6. Disseminating Moon - Teacher - Share
This is what you know, and may choose to share with others. It is something you have a gift for, and have knowledge to share.

VIII: Strength

And here is another reminder of something I know but haven't felt... all that I've been through has made me strong and much more compassionate for the weaknesses and wildnessness of others.  I can honestly say that I think I've a better person for having been knocked out of that Tower...still healing, but I have discovered reserves of adaptibility and courage I didn't know I had.

I love the way this card shows the lion and the woman walking together, side by side.  Neither is attempting to control or lead the other - they move together.  For me, the lion often represents both the best parts of us and the parts that are so untamed that we feel we need to hide it, cage it, control it.  One of the best things that happened to me as a result of my divorce is that who I am inside - my inner lion - can show itself openly in my house without having to have a conversation defending it to someone who was by turns contemptuous and afraid of that aspect of me.  I don't wake up everyday wondering how my core self will get beat down today, or how I may need to hide it - do the beating down myself pre-emptively.  And the strange and wonderful part?  Let out openly, I am much more gentle than when I was trying to control it rather than walk with it.  The lion needs freedom in order for the woman to not have to have to operate in a controlling way.

So this is something I can share?  That's an interesting though - that having learned this, I can possibly help others to not be afraid to let their inner lion out as well.

My goodness... this sunny lion, the sun, the Queen of Wands... there are all sorts of fiery and light-filled messages in this reading, aren't there?

7. Last Quarter Moon - Elder - Seek
This is what you are seeking. It is something you have wanted to learn about/or do for a while. It is important for you to follow this desire.

5 of Wands

What an interesting card as something I'm seeking!  Strife? no...  Competition? no... if anything, I try harder than I should to avoid being in competitive situations.  Joy in the battle - maybe that.  Yes... I think so.  Seeking pleasure in overcoming my challenges, facing them with a big fierce grin on my face.  And why not? They're there whether I cower or engage in the battle... might as well have fun while I'm doing it.

The other thing this card so often means for me, and I think this also applies here, is the notion of jockeying for position...finding one's place in the scheme of things.  And that rings very true... I've lost my sense of place - of where I fit in with the world.  Yes.  I need to look for that place and be willing to engage in the battle to step into it, not just wait for it to happen.  I am seeking a sense of purpose that is only mine to fill, and courage (and joy!) in occupying that turf.

I think this is telling me to look at getting back into the world in a meaningful way - I've been sidelining myself for long enough.

8. Balsamic Moon - Crone - Release
It is time to release what this is showing. This will show something you may feel you need, however it is no longer necessary or useful in your life. The time has come to let it go.

0: The Fool

Release the Fool?? Nooo!

Hmm... ok, what is the Fool?  Potential... the 'soul' before it's stepped into the stream of life... 'in the world but not of it'...  The Fool is playful innocence, can be gullible and overly trusting, ignoring pitfalls and dangers and doesn't think about where she's going... just moseying along through life, taking what comes.  The Fool can also be a trickster, playing practical jokes or being funny to just to enjoy reactions... the Fool can also be the butt of a joke, clowning by taking pratfalls and not worrying what others think.

Hmm... taking pratfalls. ouch.  I think that's it.  I have been poised... lots of potential, but no manifestation... hovering on the edge of that cliff, absolutely sure that life is ready to hand me yet another banana peel to slip on, another football to yank out from under me just as I go for it.  As long as I stay poised, the fall doesn't happen.  Nothing else  happens either.  I think maybe I need to release that  inner certainty that some unseen Prankster is going to turn anything I reach out for to dust and laugh at me for trying. (wow, didn't know I did think that, but boy did that ring true).

It's not that I need to release the Fool's faith or willingness to just Be - I need to release the sense of myself as the world's clown, and start expecting that if I apply my own conscious will to things, I can direct the outcome.  Not just wait for the next Kick Me sign to be planted on my back.

9. Dark Moon - Weaver - Truth
This is the truth of where you are right now, it is your Truth. It may be hidden from you, or you may keep it hidden from others. Through acknowledging this and bringing it into your life you clear the way to further development.

Page of Cups

And so here at the end of the reading, we come back to a court card - an aspect of who I am.  I had a houseguest today so delayed in writing this, and throughout the day it was on my mind, mulling.

The truth of where I am right now is that I am just beginning to trust that I can reconnect with others and allow myself to be vulnerable and open to them.  And this is indeed the truth - on the outside, I'm the Queen of Swords and trying to latch into the Queen of Wands.. on the outside I'm 'strong' and tough and mature (a word applied to me that I often think is well overstated.

Inside? I'm a child who has been through a lot that hurt me more than I dare admit - and I keep a good hard shell around me to try to make sure it won't ever happen again.  Inside? Blue jello with gummy fish. There have been times when this child within me shames me...so sensitive, so needy for a hug... but I'm moving past that.  This page is also what lets me care about others - to be very specific, the Page of Cups is who I access when I read Tarot for others and for myself - it's where the imagination and playfulness I use to understand them comes from and it's where the compassion I feel for those seeking guidance is born. 

I know there's more to this than what it means in my relationship to the cards, but that's what's striking me tonight... as I read for others and draw out their own tender, sensitive Page of Cups - create a safe place for that vulnerable person to dare show itself, i'm learning to do it for myself as well.  Learning that I can ask for love and trust it to be given. Learning that I can dream and not be scolded or told to grow up and put away my dreams.

It's a huge lesson...huge.  In so many ways, I'm starting over again, emotionally and I feel as if I'm a big sister walking beside my younger inner self and telling her it's ok.  It's ok to love and to be loved... it's ok to have imaginary friends and want to be happy.  So simple, but I didn't know this for a long, long time.

 

Daily Draw: 9 of Cups

from Gilded Tarot

Description: A grey-haired man with muttonchop sideburns and a white hat is standing behind a table or bar holding one cup high in the air with his left hand.  He wears a green tunic and a white apron or overshirt.  In front of him on the bar are three more cups and two barrels in the foreground hold 3 cups and 2 cups respectively.  Behind him, more barrels are stored.  The rafters overhead are holding something...dinnerware? More provisions?  The window behind him is either blue stained glass or showing a very blue sky, perhaps just shortly after the sun has set.

My overall impression of this card is one of warmth and good cheer - the man is smiling and his expression and posture seem to be toasting me.  There are plenty of cups ready for friends to share and he seems to inviting me to partake.  The room itself is full - there are plenty of parties still to come with all that's here.  The man himself seems to be a cook - he's prepared all this bounty and is happy to have it enjoyed. Oddly, physically he reminds me of Neelix from Star Trek: Voyager (haven't thought of that show in years) who took great pride in creating good food for the crew and acted as the one who made the ship a 'home'.

The 9 of Cups is the one often referred to as the Wish Card, but you know, I usually just cringe at it when I see it in the RWS deck - that guy looks smug and worse, selfish to me, sitting there with all his little cups in a row behind him, as if he's guarding them to make sure no one else can have them (but making darn sure they can see what he's got that they don't).

But this one.... this looks like my kind of wish - to be able to have everything you need in order to share your happiness with others.  And it's not just 'lookie what I got!' either... what he has is the necessary provisions to create the actual bounty.  That apron and hat shows that he's taken what he has and put some work into using it.  He doesn't just get his wish... he makes it so, and then shares the wealth.

So what will I do today to access the energy of this card?

I will look for ways  to make the most of what I have, to create what I most desire.  And I will look for ways to generously share what I have with those around me, remembering that what I wish most is to have enough to be the conduit for helping others gain their wishes as well.

Additional comment: I love it when I find puns (intentional or otherwise) buried in the cards.  If the time of day here is shortly after sunset and we're looking at a tavern setting... this card is Happy Hour!

Cheers!

End of day  update -

Being the day before payday, this was a day where it seemed the opposite of what this card depicts - the pantry was an odd mishmash of ingredients that almost make a meal with some critical missing elements.  Well, no going to the store today, so I was just going to have to figure it out.  And  I kept thinking about this card - this feeling of having all you need to create what you want and doing it so completely that you can share.

So, I pulled out a couple items and started doing a vague inventory of the larder for something likely to combine well, and as I did Daughter#1 asked if her boyfriend could stay to dinner..  pulled out a couple more items and said sure.  Then Daughter#2 mentioned that her best friend would be by, and might she stay to eat?  I said yes without even thinking then did some more grazing to make sure that there'd be enough for what was now a meal for six.

And to be honest, I still wasn't sure what to call what I was putting together - a sort of chorizo tamale pie kind of thing that, in the end, made just enough for everyone.  And as a side effect of openng our home to friends, I managed a good inventory of my pantry before I go shop tomorrow.