Journey in 78 Steps

Anya's House Reading (Alchemical)

Anya's House -- Corresponds to the second house and Taurus, astrologically speaking. Anya may no longer be a demon, but she is still crystal clear on what is important. Getting her needs met is paramount, and she has no time for small talk.

What are my basic needs in the coming year? What will quench my lust(s)?

9 of Coins / 3 of Swords

Unlike yesterday's pair, these two don't seem to be connected... rather they speak of two basic needs of mine that must be addressed over this next year.  Not so sure about 'quenching my lusts' - but needs, yes... nonnegotiables.  These are each minors, so they involve nitty gritty daily life... not the Big Lessons, but right down in the trenches where I live.

The first is the 9 of Pentacles, which shows a tree full of coins.  Each coin has a different image...some are people (or gods), others are symbols... a three legged triskele, a flower, a dove, an owl, a sun.  The card itself speaks of material abundance ... enough to secure independence... all that is needed is growing on this tree, and because it is a living tree it will continue to grow.

That absolutely rings true... I need to stabilize my income and budget so that worrying about money isn't a daily concern.  And I need to put some attention to future income as well... planning ahead for later.  Given the current economy, I think this is a basic requirement and worry for everyone, but this is telling me that this year I need to make no excuses and just work on this, because it is about basic survival.

(Anya loved money...she would approve)

The other card is the 3 of Swords, showing a heart impaled by three swords suspended in mid-air.  An eye is in the center of the heart is crying and its tears are watering a rose that is growing out of the rocky ground below.  While it is crying rather than bleeding, "Bleeding Heart" comes to mind.  The rose suggests that even in the most painful of circumstances, something beautiful can grow.  The 3 of Swords itself doesn't only speak of pain, but of truth... truth that cuts to the heart of things, raises painful realities in order to move on from them.

There is a lot... a LOT of grief I have not dealt with, over my mother, my father, my health, and a whole lot of other things.  I've been in 'suck it up and deal' mode for a long, long time now.  And I think this card is letting me know that this year, I need to deal with that as well... work out my grief, stop carrying it and let it water something living and worth holding onto.

I want to be very literal, looking at this, and consider making some time to ritualize all that I've lost and plant some roses in their memory and say goodbye to them.  I'll think on that part later... for now what I need to know is that facing and then releasing that grief is becoming a matter of basic survival as well for me and not putting it off any longer than I need to.

Buffy's House Reading (Alchemical)

Buffy's House -- Corresponds to the first house and Aries, astrologically speaking. The series begins and ends with Buffy, a warrior who is able to kill her lover to save the world. A lot.

Where do I need to develop courage in the coming year? What do I need to slay?

Sun / Hierophant

First I want to say how delighted I am to look at these and know they are not speaking to the current legal issues - I was pretty sure that was where the majority of my year was going to be challenging my sense of courage... this makes me feel hopeful that that will be resolved (or at least at a place of stability rather than 'fight') sooner rather than later.

Instead, these are speaking of something I'd just begun toying with and then set aside when all that hit me... the need to find clarity about my perception and relationship with religion.

Not -A- religion... any form of religion - I've had it brought to my attention in repeated ways that I am skittish about group expressions of spiritual views no matter what form it takes, whether they are views and rituals I share or those I don't.  It's the groupthink that bothers me.. the need to stay with the herd, accept the whole package that gets to me - and its just the teensiest bit possible that I'm allowing my fears and distaste keep me from experiences and connections that might be of value to me.

These two cards, seen together, are interesting.  The Hierophant, representing religious ideology, shows a male figure with his Kingdom of God crown on his head and a red robe (Will) seated on his throne showing a book that has an image of lunar spirit on one side (a dove hovering over a crescent) and three solar images on the other (the Sun and two stars).  One one arm of his chair is a figure of a woman, on the other a man.  In the windows, one view is of the night, the other of the day.  Two candles are on either side of him - red and white, passion and purity.  Everything is compartmentalized and divided... you are this or you are that.  The function of religion is to establish order... you're in or your out, the limits and requirements are laid out for you based on your role, there are usually requirements of belief, behavior, identity.  It all feels very boxed in and often seems arbitrary.. and even when it isn't..even when there is a reason for the compartmentalization that everyone still remembers, I always feel either uncomfortably limited or expected to go along with aspects that I can't in good conscious honestly agree with.

That in a nutshell is the basis of my issues with religion. (and the PTA, but that's a different subject)

Now, the Sun brings clarity and an innocent joyful approach... it takes these concerns and sees them for what they really are - and standing next to the Hierophant, this looks like spiritual expression rather than religious expression.  Many of the same elements are present.. here the Sun and the Moon both share the same sky instead of being bound by the limits of window frames (perceptions).  The figures are not lifeless statues, but alive and joyful, and are coming together rather than being separated by the Hierophant's authority.  A crown, rather than planted on the head of the heirophant hovers over them both - here they have a joint share in it.  Finally, rather than being housed within manmade walls, they are floating above a natural setting, at the center and a part of the space between the mundane world and that of spirit.

To me this suggests that with clarity comes spiritual truth... but also that religion houses at least a construct for that spiritual truth... the elements are there even if they aren't organic or blended.

So what do I need courage for this year? To explore religion without fears that keep me from going near it.  What do I need to slay? Those fears that keep me from gaining clarity on this subject.  Fears that keep me from seeing that even my distrust comes from putting religion into a labeled box the same way I worry about being boxed in myself.

Should be interesting.

Daily Reading (Alchemical) High Priestess / Queen of Vessels

Starting a new month and a new week and I'm going to try to get back into this regularly.  This week I'm going to use the lovely Alchemical Tarot and draw two cards a day for Theme and Response.

Today's Theme:
The High Priestess
The High Priestess is the keeper of secrets, wisdom and intuition.  In this image, she stands quietly on a lunar boat as water rushes swiftly past her, but she appears to be calm and unflappable.  In her right hand is a green book that appears to have a lock on it (like those little diary locked books we had as young girls).  There is a downward facing 'receptive' triangle on the face of the book.  With her left hand the High Priestess holds her index finger to her lips as if saying 'shhh..don't tell'.  She is dressed, fully covered, in a purple robe and wears a crescent moon circlet covering her forehead.  Above her, to her right, a full moon lights up the night sky.

Today should be a fairly quiet day, at least internally for me (externally, I have some errands to run assuming I hear back on some paperwork I need to get notarized) - a good day to get back in touch with my inner self and to hear the voice of my own intuition. 

It is striking me that I may not hear back or get the paperwork I'm waiting for at all.. that the silence suggested by the High Priestess is going to color my day by waiting in vain.  (I'll figure that out by the end of the day - due to time zone differences, there is only a small window of opportunity for getting what I need, getting to a notary, and back to them before the end of their workday).

Whether it comes or not ... and I do hope it does... I will be able to use the stillness of waiting to good effect if I let myself be quiet and listen.

Recommended Response:
Queen of Vessels

There are some interesting similarities and comparisons between this Queen of Cups and the High Priestess... the same receptive triangle that is one the HP's book is in the upper left corner of the card. They are each riding the water, although with the HP, she appears to be stationary while the water moves past her... here, the Queen of Vessels is clearly pushing forward through the water, leaving a trail as she goes.   Instead of riding in a lunar boat, the Queen, one of the merfolk, curls her own tail into a crescent shape so that she appears to be riding the top of the water.  She is entirely unclothed, but her tail fin and a ruffle of fins that look like a small skirt have a purplish hue.  The scene is daytime here and there is no heavenly body in the sky, but the round vessel she carries looks similar to the moon hanging overhead in the HP card.  Rather than a lunar head circlet, the Queen wears an ornate crown and her hair hangs freely.  She isn't looking outward at me, but instead is gazing at the round vessel she carries.

In some ways, this Queen is more open than the High Priestess.. she isn't fully dressed, and what she contemplates (the round vessel) is on open display rather than hidden in a book.  She is not separated from the water by a lunar boat, but swims through it - the lunar qualities are a part of who she is, without ever being directly referenced.  And she is not still, but moves through the emotional waters naturally.

In terms of a response, this Queen is very comfortable and at home with emotional and intuitive concerns - she consciously lives in this world and uses the guidance she receives to move freely in this world.  She is not secretive or ashamed of her feelings (if in fact she even notices that anyone observes her at all).  At the same time, she doesn't look as if she's concerned that much about explaining what she knows of her watery world.. she is receptive to information and understanding - not so much involved in trying to express it.  It just is.

So if I am to have a quiet day with the opportunity to turn inward and listen to the voice of wisdom, this is telling me that it is a good day to handle some of the emotions I've been pushing off for later - to heed them, feel them, live with them.

It may not be as 'productive' a day as I'd hoped for, but it could be a very necessary and positive day to tune out the world, and tune into myself.

Reading: Chariot Spread

Thinking on this spread a bit more, I think it might be better to read for the Path/Goal first before reading for the Charioteer/Seeker.  A friend of mine emailed me to share a test reading he'd done, and it seems to flow better of those positions are flipped.

So here is my reading with this spread - my oldest daughter and her boyfriend live with me - they're young adults now, but not yet at a point where they can financially support themselves.  Today, this subject came up - she's looking ahead to what they might want to do, but there is still a pretty large divide between the desire and the means (and also, I believe, a less than accurate understanding of what means will be necessary).

I'm not in a hurry to have them go, but I do want to support them in getting to that point and very much desire to see progress made toward getting there.  It seems to be a situation made for this spread, so my question here is...

What do I need to do to help them develop the independence necessary to successfully get out on their own? (Successfully, as I define it, means that once they're out they are able to stay out and not need to move backwards by coming back here to live under a parent's care again.)

1.  The Path - what is the goal?  Where do you want to go? The Subject of the reading.

10 of Coins (The Materialist)

This is it in a nutshell... the goal is to be able to assist them in being materially self-sufficient and established enough to fully take care of themselves.  With this card, the sense of legacy is highlighted... they are granted a foundation from their family (support now, experience and possibly material help to get started) in order to create their own solid financial structure.

This particular card has a somewhat negative connotation to it, with its image of a man so focused on money and nothing else that he is covered in coins and even blinded by them.  I am taking this as a reminder that, while being financially stable enough to be independent is the key goal here, they need to be ready in other ways as well - setting up a home and not having a parent to fall back on creates a lot of stressors in a young relationship and they will need to know how to work through those without harming their relationship.

2.  The Charioteer - what is driving the desire for this path - why this goal?  The Seeker - what the Seeker has within that helps motivate attaining this goal.

I - The Magician

The image on this card is that of Hermes - the messenger of the Gods.  First and foremost what I bring to this is experience and the ability to articulate it.  More importantly, I've been where they want to be - I've dealt with times of hardship, lived with room mates, gone through long periods of time where I have to be creatively thrifty and I am able to pass that information on to them so they aren't caught by surprise by too many reality checks as they move out of my home and into their own life.

It doesn't mean I can do it for them - ultimately, you learn that stuff by getting out and doing it - but I can at least persuade them to consider possibilities they've not yet thought of and to avoid the sort of crises that come from lack of awareness about how things work.

I think a large part of my role at this point is simply showing them what the real costs of living on your own actually is.  I don't always feel confident that they really get what all running a household involves - the good fairies (or magician) don't magically keep the lights on and the food in the pantry.

3. The Chariot - what is the vehicle for getting to your goal?  How can you get there? The structure and stability required.

XVI - The Tower

The image here shows a couple kneeling in front of some sort of stone oven with a three-tiered glass structure made of globes (a still?).  Lightning has struck and cracked the glass vessel, dripping red and white droplets on the couple.  In this deck, these globe-shaped objects are shown in the Vessels (Cups) suit suggesting that this is some sort of emotional fracture.

There are a few rather harsh truths in this card - first, that the only way they're really going to ever get out there is to just get out there and figure it out... that is, the bottom line is that I can only prepare them so much - at some point, they just have to do it and go through the struggle themselves without a safety net.

More than that, though, there's a message here for me - that it is not realistic to think that it's going to be a smooth transition or that it won't have an effect on my own situation, emotionally or financially - while I am supporting them, there is one utility I have them covering now that I'll need to take on, and I also need to be prepared for the reality that the current support payments will go down once she's no longer a dependent.  This is a reminder that I need to plan for that every bit as much as they need to plan for how to support themselves.  Since the support money I receive goes to rent and utilities that need to be paid no matter how many people are using them, this is vital to keep in mind.

Lastly, this suggests to me that leaving is, in some some sense, going to require an emotional break - my daughter and I are very close and it makes it easy for both of us to leave things as they are but that isn't  what's best for her - my job is to help her let go, not hang onto her.  And from experience, I know that close parent-child bonds sometimes need to have a period of 'breaking up' so that the child is able to make that cut - the actual departure may come after a catalyst of not getting along, and if that happens - if we find ourselves quarreling, I'll want to keep in mind that this might be what's behind it and not take it too personally.


  4-5 - The Horsepower - Energy sources that need to work together to move you toward your goal (if these are conflicting, dealing with that conflict is necessary before movement can take place).

VII - The Chariot

So here is what will help them be ready to move out on their own - first the Chariot, itself.  Their first step is to figure out what it is they want to do and work out how to go about getting there.  This is a step that think has been lacking.. lots of wishes, but  not a lot of solid plans.  They've got to actually sit down and chart their path, keep track of what all needs to be accounted for and establish a plan for doing it.

And this is not something I can do FOR them - I can help keep them focus and offer some input on things they may not be aware of, but it has to be their plan, not mine. (This card looks like the Charioteer is 'riding off into the sunset' - interesting because the latest desire I've heard expressed is wanting to move out to California, near her dad's mom and sisters... so maybe that's the plan that will stick.)

8 of Wands (The Woodcutter)

This card differs from the usual RWS style card with its targetted wands - but it strengthens the message of the Chariot nonetheless... they need to actively set their target and start taking steps to get there.  More than that, this card shows a woodcutter hewing trees and it points to narrowing down their  focus.  It's all great and wonderful to want to live in one area doing something cool one day and another place doing something totally different, or declaring that you can't wait to live by yourself and then deciding that maybe you'll move in with six other people to save on costs the next - but unless you actually pick a plan and stick with it, there's never going to be any movement.  If they really want to get out on their own, they are going to need to narrow some options and then commit to an actual plan enough to start doing the legwork to make it happen.

And each of these are on them - the limits of my involvement needs to be in supplying information, not making decisions for them or doing the legwork so they don't have to.

6. The Yoke - (laid sideways to connect 4 and 5)  - Guidance for pulling or keeping the Horsepower working together - bringing them into balance so they can work for the benefit of the goal.

VIII - Justice

Tying together these two needs to narrow down options and then start mapping out the plan they've committed to is our lady Justice - wisdom and objectively weighing their options to ensure that it's the right path for them both and everyone else involved.  Careful analysis that isn't solely based on how they 'feel' is what's needed here.  A large part of being an independent adult is that you can't just decide to ignore things that don't sound pleasant and fun - they are going to need to approach this eyes open and dispassionately - and this ends also with a reminder to me that this needs to be my approach as well.  I can help them do this, again, without offering information based on my own experience and then I need to let them do it.

Justice includes the idea of consequences.. if they are going to learn to make it on their own, they're going to have to have enough independence to make their own mistakes and deal with the results.

By and large, this reading seems to be suggesting that my job here is to back off and let them do this on their own, neither pushing or holding them back. (I don't think I've been pushing them, but I do think I might be focusing too much on protecting them from feeling pinched.)

This gives me a lot of food for thought.  It doesn't surprise me that there are so many Major Arcana cards here - this is a major milestone for them both, and for me as well - even though this will be the third daughter of mine to have 'launched', once  they're gone it will be just me and my youngest at home and the first time I'll actually be feeling a bit of Empty Nestitis.  Before, our homelife was just too crowded and full and busy to feel that particular emotion (that is, you miss the kid, but are glad for the extra bedroom..heh)

Daily Draw: VIII - Justice

A woman in white classic Roman garb with her left breast bared, stands on a small two-tiered step.  The second tier of the step is off-center to the right and she has one foot on each tier.

Her arms are outstretched, with an upright sword held high in her left hand, and a balanced scale in her right.  The left vessel of the scale is lit with flame, while the right vessel is dark. 

The woman wears her hair up, with braids surrounding her face (looking like a laurel wreath) and she has a white crown from which come more flames with a third eye suspended in the flames.  Plumes of white smoke rise from the flames

She is standing on a marble platform between two pillars (a temple maybe?) and behind her is a flat surface - it may be water - with hills behind.  Behind her, in the water, this is a glowing orange light that is either more flame or the reflection from the sun, which we can't see.  The sky is also lit orange and yellow.

The hilt of the sword has some sort of symbol on it.. a circle that is vertically cut in half, with the left half horizontally cut again into a quarter.  Above that, there are two curved shapes that look sort of like snakes facing away from each other.

This version of Justice is most certainly not blind - She looks straight ahead, holding up both light and reason in the form of the Sword.  The flaming eye atop her head points to a connection with divinely inspired truth and vision - she is not leaning simply on her own intellect and opinion.

The scale shows the choice being weighed...light and dark, energetic and passive, inspired and mundane, what is seen and what isn't...  The scale is even - there is not yet a choice made, and neither is inherently right or wrong - they must be regarded as equal until they've been fully and objectively considered.

If that is water that surrounds the temple, this shows that even in the face of emotional decisions, the decision itself can be based on a solid, firm foundation rather than simply being a reaction to one's emotional response. 

The bared breast makes me remember that an aspect of Justice isn't simply to punish or reward, but to nurture truth - to judge honestly and yet, with mercy.

Today I will want to consider what choices I need to consider, and look at them with intellect and wisdom.  I will want to resist making snap judgments or assumptions, but instead weigh the facts and carefully consider alternatives to ensure fairness in my decision making.

Daily Draw: X - The Wheel of Fortune

Oh look.. the Wheel... again...

This one has quite a dangerous look to it!  A pair of lizards, one red and one white, are perched on an 8-spoked wooden wheel, eating each other's tail.  The white one is at the top of the wheel, has wings and wears a white crown.  The red one has spiney scales covering its back and heavier claws than the white one.  Come to that, the white creatures face looks happy, while the  red one looks miserable.

The Wheel is suspended in a clear blue sky in which the upper left shows a white cloud with a black center and three white stars, and rays emanating from the cloud (Air), the upper right shows a stormy grey cloud dripping with yod-shaped raindrops (WATER), the lower left shows a large pile of rocks and pebbles, and the lower right shows flames.

Very reminiscent of the World card, but here the elements are not safely in quadrants - they're in the raw and able to directly impact the Wheel and its passengers.  The difference between this and the World is that here about all you can do is hang on and accept that even at life's highest moments, you still get rained on, and even at its lowest, there's warmth. 

The overarching sense of this card though is that of there being no control, and a sense of discomfort and danger you have to just tolerate and deal with.

It's my youngest first day of school (sophomore year), and she missed the bus.  It came 10 minutes earlier than expected.  I'm curious to see if that's the only example of this card today.

Daily Draw: 6 of Staffs

A stern-faced man wearing a laurel crown and work clothes (sleeveless tunic with leather apron and shoes) stands on a cloud holding a torch aloft.  Five hands (4 right hands and one left) hoist torches toward him - he is clearly the leader and it seems these others are a promise to follow him.

The sky behind him is bright yellow, unlike many of the cards in this suit, which show a great deal of smoke.

On the cloud, two symbols are inscribed - one that seems to be some sort of cow? It may be more abstract, but to me it looks like some kind of bovine type head with ears. The other is a circle with a dark circle in the middle (like an eye) with rays coming out from its left side. (These symbols sprinkled about are why this deck needs an in-depth book!)

The LWB refers to this as the "Master Craftsman" and uses the keywords 'honor  and respect' -  in that context, perhaps this person is showing customers the next fine staff he's created... but it feels more to me like he might be a union leader rallying his coworkers to go on strike for a raise (or to march on the boss' castle with torches and pitchforks)

Either way, this is all about getting recognition for skill and effort, and justifiable pride in what one is able to do.  He doesn't seem to be asking for support - he looks confident that he has it already, and shows the work itself as the obvious evidence for why that should be so.  He is standing on a cloud - his foundation here is mental and objective ... that confidence that he's earned respect and recognition isn't a matter of ego, but honest fact.

I wish I understood the symbols for sure, but to me they seem to indicate solidity and tactile skill (the bovine symbol that might be Taurus?) and vision to create something new in a brilliant way (the eye).

All together it seems to be about actual hands-on skill that one isn't shy about accepting acclaim for because they know it's worthy of it.

Daily Draw - Knight of Vessels

 A fully armored knight is wading in a pool of water that comes up to about mid-calf, walking along a grassy shoreline.  There is a fish in the water that seems to be speaking to him or trying to get his attention.  Because the knight is facing away from the front of the card, it's not clear to me whether or not he sees the fish.

The knight has his left hand on his waist, while his right hand holds a vessel aloft (almost seems to be toasting the fish or showing the fish his vessel) - a couple small yod water drops are coming off the vessel - as if the knight just dipped into the water to fill it.

The knights armor is very solid and multi-layered - shiny steel covering head, arms and hands, torso and legs (there is a steel heart at the base of his spine) and under that a layer of flexible chainmail covering his buttocks, chest, underarms etc so that only a portion of his face is actually left exposed (and he could quickly slam down that visor if need be to cover that as well).

My first thought is that wading in the water with all that armor on is a good way to rust.  My second thought is that there's not a lot of point getting into the water if you're so protected that  you can't even feel it.  This knight may be focused ON things watery, but he's certainly not committed to it in any sense that requires vulnerability (and when you're talking intuitive and emotional territory, vulnerability is key, I think). 

The fish has something for him, but I don't think he's ready to hear it - he looks rather proud of himself, as if he's telling the fish, "no thank you, see? I have the water I need in my very fine vessel - I don't need you."

The Knight of Cups in general has always seemed to me to be more the type of person who is 'in love with love' than someone who has committed to love with any real person or philosophy - they adore the form and the show and will happily note every emotional response they have while regarding the object of their feelings as entirely secondary. (One love interest doesn't work out? After a satisfying short period of moping and wailing, they're off and madly in love with the next one in just a few days)

Outside of relationship issues, the LWB for this deck notes that this is 'seeking information, questing into the unconscious'  - but here again... if you journey into your own unconscious so completely armored as all this, what is it possible to discover there? 

Musing aside, what's this have to say to me today?  Today is going to center around a short visit from my oldest daughter and her new (post break up) relationship interest.. and  I suppose that's a good place to apply this card - because there is that necessary balance of welcoming and remaining detached that is needed in situations like that. Part of the parenting job no one mentions - when your child is 'in love' you want to be open and welcoming of the possibility that this person might one day be a family member, without jumping that gun and feeling attached to someone who might go away with no input from you at all.  Wading through the emotional waters with armor on.

Card of the Day: XXI - The World

This card is divided by thick white lines into four quadrants: NW covered in clouds (Air), NE showing roiling waves (Water), SW showing a rocky outcropping with sparse grass peeking through the rocks (Earth), and SE showing flames and smoke (Fire).

In the center of the white cross there is a red heart and in the center of the heart there is a nude woman (possibly a Hermaphrodite) with winged sandals and a caduceus  in her  left hand (both symbols of Hermes).  In her right hand is a red rose  - this and the heart suggest Aphrodite to me.  The woman has flowing curly brown hair  and she's wearing a  laurel wreath.  There are straight lines shadowing the woman on her left side, suggesting movement and speed.

Surrounding the  heart is a red snake with a greenish belly, eating its own tail.  Above the snake is another red flower, with five petals and below it is a drop of red blood (a yod symbol?).

So, this is the World for the third time in just a few days.  This one shows the balance of the elements, and the integration of Hermes/Aphrodite...male/female, mind and heart.  The figure is active and has what she needs to succeed, materially and spiritually - this is a life that is integrated, balanced, and complete and connected to spirit.

The LWB that comes with this deck is incredibly sparse (this deck needs an in-depth manual to go with it, very badly), but the text for this card is "The Red Stone - the Goal of the Work - the Fifth Element - the Soul of the World. The good, the inner guide the object of one's goals"

While I'm not at all familiar with 'the red stone', I do get the World as the object of one's goals... the attainment and incorporation of one's desires into one's life.

Deck of the Week: Alchemical Tarot

My friend M loaned me his Alchemical Tarot (the recent re-release version) by Robert M. Place for a little bit, so I thought I'd use it as my deck of the week.  I like the artwork, though I am not very familiar with the deck yet, and hardly at all familiar with alchemy, so this will be a very introductory peek at the deck.

As a warning... my scans are imperfect and 'cropped' which gives the cards a quite different look than you'll be seeing here.