So, I left off with that Empress being drawn - and she's taken over my life since! I've thought of that card often over the last couple months, wanting to readdress it and having no idea how or where to begin.
And the reality is, it is all far too personal to attempt to fully explain, so the best I can do is note this briefly and move on.
Life has been hitting me hard with the many variations of mothering that occur...
First there is the process of nurturing and caring for ourselves... I was still very much struck in the grip of spiralling, out of control arthritic pain when I last wrote here. Since then, spring has arrived and I've made a few helpful trips to my doctor to adjust medications and make alterations in how I care for myself, and have learned (again... a lesson I forget over and over to my own detriment) that nothing else functions unless I first look out for my own wellbeing. Especially during times when I'm called upon to be there for others (and as I'll explain, I am very much in one of those periods), if I don't put myself first the rest just falls apart.
One of the most relevent modern metaphors is the one we all hear everytime we find ourselves on a plane... we are told that in an emergency, oxygen masks will drop down to assist us .. but if we need to assist children or other passengers with theirs we put on OURS first. It's not a selfish act - if you pass out, you aren't going to be of help to anyone else.
So that is my first lesson in motherhood... be my own nurturer first before trying to nurture anyone else. I'd love to say I'm learning - I am... but I know how easy it is to forget.
Next - while I was on a trip to visit my doctor and thinking I had a bubble of peace in which to deal with my own health, I learned that my father had passed away and that my mother had mid to late stage Alzheimers. I'd been out of touch with my folks for a long time, and I'm not ready to go into the crash and slam of emotions that I still have to sort through. On the heels of this double whammy, I learned I'd been named executor of my father's will, reconnected with my sister AND discovered my father's side of the family was quickly taking control of my mother and her assets.
The last two months have been a nonstop struggle to sort things out, involving courts in multiple states and relatives making things as difficult as possible in order to keep control and profit from all of this. I'm not going to go into this in any detail just yet either - there is still a very long way to go before my mother is safe and cared for properly and all the legal responsibilities have been handled.
But its been a whirlpool crazy mix of practical and legal considerations, and emotional upsurges to be either dealt with or delayed until there is room for them. My mother (and father) greatly informed the person I am, and those memories are with me strongly, while at the same time I am in a place of having to take over for them... to be my father's representative and see to it my mother is financially cared for... to be my mother and try to ensure her safety and happiness from a distance and trying to cross the barrier of those who are trying to close my sister and I off from her. I'm reclaiming a relationship with my sister under horrifically stressful circumstances.
It is a crazy mixture of loss and recovery, trying to be a good mother, and daughter and sister all at the same time and minute by minute deciding which role takes priority at which moment. I have thought longer and harder about what 'mother' means to me in the last two months than I have through the raising of four children over the years.
And because crises never take orderly turns in coming, my youngest is struggling... she is almost 16 and during this same period has had some painful rites of passage ... not unique, but new and hard for her ... and here again, I've needed very much to BE there for her, to not be distracted, not push her needs down below anything else, even though they are all critical.
I have been stretched farther than I thought I could go, and what I can take away from this (besides the need for a loooong nap and a good vacation somewhere quiet) is that the caring role is one that teaches you how far love can be stretched.. that when you think you can't handle anymore, you find out you can. Hopefully not without an end to crisis mode, but surely no limit in the capacity to care even if there is a need now and then in a break from having to act. It feels as if every time I think I have no more to offer of myself, a rushing indwelling comes from elsewhere through me for me to use. I've found myself crying and muttering "I want my mommy" and then felt it.. from my mother or from The Mother... filling me and giving me the strength to do what I need to for my own mother, or my daughters, or myself.
Yes, I am talking in the sense of a mystical experience - this whole thing has taught me much about the truth that we are never alone even when we feel most alone and the act of admitting you can't go on alone opens the way for help.
None of this is resolved, and I don't quite know how any of it will work out. But I am finding my legs.. realizing that Mother means not only a hug at the right moment but the willingness to be a Warrior, not only means caring for one's children, but one's parents, one's self... whatever and whoever we claim as ours in our heart.
And its not a role for the faint hearted. My mother was a powerfully strong woman - very bright, thoughtful, graceful... she isn't southern, but the term 'Steel Magnolia' well applied to her. I am trying to access that strength now, to return it to her and to pass it forward to my children and grandchildren. That chain from mother to daughter is my inheritance and one I am very grateful for.