Journey in 78 Steps

New Moon in Aries Reading

This entry will be growing as I work on it.

Tonight is this year's Aries New Moon... a time to look at self-identity and to initiate growing independence throughout the year.

I've a spread that's been stored in my copy of Orphalese that  I've been wanting to try for awhile - unfortunately, it's listed as only having come from 'shari' so i can't properly credit it.  However, the notes included mention that this is inspired by Gail Woods' "Rituals of the Dark Moon: 13 Lunar Rites for a Magical Path" which highlights a different aspect for each phase of the Moon (making a distinction between the Dark Moon and the New Moon).  I think it makes for an elegant and rich spread for inner exploration.  Because of how in-depth this reading is, I want to take my time here, so this entry will build slowly while I work through it.

Here is the spread and the cards I've drawn, asking "What do I need to know in order to begin a path toward a balanced state of independence?".  I'll be leaving these cards up this next month where I can look at it and switching decks after today:

x x x 1 x x x
x 8 x x x 2 x
7 x x 9 x x 3
x 6 x x x 4 x
x x x 5 x x x

1. New Moon - Maiden - Emerge
What is emerging right now in your life. You may just be feeling this, it has not yet actually come fully into your conscience.

Ace of Swords

The Ace of Swords speaks of potential mental energy or opportunities - with this in the 'emerging' position it makes me think that this next month will be one when I will be able to start conceiving of an educational path for myself.  And in fact, I've got a couple of education-related things to check on (regarding possibilities that, until last weekend I was positive where a dead issue - they've just resurrected as a possibility), just to get a handle on where I am now.  I am hopeful this Ace is pointing toward a positive outlook for getting started there, but that sheath is also reminding me to be cautious - don't invest too heavily mentally or emotionally until I've got that preliminary research taken care of.

2. Waxing Crescent Moon - Amazon - Champion
What you feel passionate about. This is something you are willing to fight for, or something you are fighting (for).

Queen of Wands

Here, I'm looking at aspects of identity - I'm passionate about who I am...passionate about being passionate about what it is I'm passionate about. (hah.. had to get that loop-de-loop bunch of words out of my head there...)

Honestly, I've not been experiencing much fire in my life lately - this winter really took a toll on my physically and my energy and enthusiasm has been very low - physically and sexually, I've almost been in hibernation.  "Good" has been defined as calm and stationary... after the chaos of last year (moving, divorcing, financial changes for the worse, and health problems all slamming into me at the same time), fire has gotten tied into painful trauma for me. 

I see... I need to be willing to fight for some renewed energy and joy for myself... I need to reconnect to sexual desire without being afraid of whether or not I'll get burned.  I need to have dreams and goals I'm willing to work for without procrastinating because I'm afraid it won't work out.  I need to fight, simply put, for my life.

This idea shouldn't scare me, but as I type this I am feeling nervous and almost teary.  But this Queen is in me... she can help me here.  I have to just let her out.

 

3. 1st Quarter Moon - Lover - Integrate

This is something that you are trying to integrate into you life. It may feel like it doesn't belong, but it will fit if you choose to work at it. It will require a choice and desire.

XVI: The Tower

Heh.  Got to love it when a reading has a sense of humor.  All that I described above... that was my Tower year.  Everything that I built up around me fell apart.  And what I've been doing since is trying to recover from it, mostly by crawling away and making myself and my life very small in order to manage a life out of the rubble.

And I have to not get past all that, but to integrate it? To love it?  This one is going to take a lot more thought to process because yes, it totally feels like it doesn't belong - I am getting better about not thinking 'this shouldn't have happened this way' but I do still think that.  But it did happen, and my life now isn't a false life based on a wrong series of events that never should have happened... this is what is.  Who I am for the rest of my life is rooted in large part on all of that... so I suppose I might as well embrace it and look for what positive meaning it all has for me.

What, in general, can I embrace about the Tower?  It is the destroyer of illusion and false confidence.  The lightning doesn't just zap the tower from without... in this image it looks like the light inside is bursting out.  There are things within me that could never show themselves if the Tower hadn't been burst open.  I can embrace the catalyst for that emergence.

Definitely, bears some more contemplation on this.

 

4. Gibbous Moon - Priestess - Initiate
This is where you are spiritually. It is what you are learning about yourself that is spiritually connected to your current path. 

 XIX: The Sun

I don't often get the Sun card in readings for myself - this is a bit of a surprise! And this particular one is very appealing... the sun, the solar system around it, and the wheel of the Zodiac. 

My relationship with spirituality... my beliefs... tend toward a very freeform pagan humanism.  I believe we're a part of the universe, and connected by it.  I acknowledge cycles of time... the turning of the seasons.. because they root us and show growth and movement of each of us as individuals and collectively.  I get much more spiritually out of watching a sunrise or looking through a telescope than I ever would communing together in any overt spiritual setting, and I don't worry about 'belief' as the marker for how I'm doing.  Things are either in alignment with me or they aren't.  That is not at all well articulated but I'll remember what I meant when I read that back later.

So this sun card ... that's what it calls to me.  Everything is in its place, and it all works together - each planet, each star, each house on the wheel is separate and individual... they've got their own paths, their own quirks... but they're held together by a greater whole.  They each turn on their axis, and around the sun... and the sun itself is wheeling around the galaxy, which is wheeling around the universe.  We're each turning in multiple ways, alone and together, every second of our life.  Spirituality, for me, is in becoming aware of the connections.  Respecting the individuality and uniqueness of everyone and everything, while not mistaking it for solitariness.  We're all in this together.

Generally, the Sun is about clarity... about the grand light of truth and joy in the reality of it all.  Yes.  That's the summation of what aligns me spiritually - the cosmic YES to all that is.

5. Full Moon - Mother - Nurture
This is what you nurture in yourself as well as others. This is a part of who you are and you feel most complete when you allow yourself to express this.

9 of Cups

And here he is again - the happy bartender who has prepared all that he wishes to surround himself with and is prepared and eager to share it.  Nurturing myself means letting myself acknowledge my own wishes, making them happen, and sharing the bounty with those around me.  This is how I can best care for myself and others.

I love the sense of this - that looking after my own dreams isn't taking from those in my life - it's the first step to being able to nurture and care for others.  Before you can have something to give, you first have to gather it together for yourself.

So the short message here - focus on manifesting what makes me happy... take care of myself.  In doing so, I'll be better able to take care of those I love.  I've seen the truth in that time and again... good reminder here.

6. Disseminating Moon - Teacher - Share
This is what you know, and may choose to share with others. It is something you have a gift for, and have knowledge to share.

VIII: Strength

And here is another reminder of something I know but haven't felt... all that I've been through has made me strong and much more compassionate for the weaknesses and wildnessness of others.  I can honestly say that I think I've a better person for having been knocked out of that Tower...still healing, but I have discovered reserves of adaptibility and courage I didn't know I had.

I love the way this card shows the lion and the woman walking together, side by side.  Neither is attempting to control or lead the other - they move together.  For me, the lion often represents both the best parts of us and the parts that are so untamed that we feel we need to hide it, cage it, control it.  One of the best things that happened to me as a result of my divorce is that who I am inside - my inner lion - can show itself openly in my house without having to have a conversation defending it to someone who was by turns contemptuous and afraid of that aspect of me.  I don't wake up everyday wondering how my core self will get beat down today, or how I may need to hide it - do the beating down myself pre-emptively.  And the strange and wonderful part?  Let out openly, I am much more gentle than when I was trying to control it rather than walk with it.  The lion needs freedom in order for the woman to not have to have to operate in a controlling way.

So this is something I can share?  That's an interesting though - that having learned this, I can possibly help others to not be afraid to let their inner lion out as well.

My goodness... this sunny lion, the sun, the Queen of Wands... there are all sorts of fiery and light-filled messages in this reading, aren't there?

7. Last Quarter Moon - Elder - Seek
This is what you are seeking. It is something you have wanted to learn about/or do for a while. It is important for you to follow this desire.

5 of Wands

What an interesting card as something I'm seeking!  Strife? no...  Competition? no... if anything, I try harder than I should to avoid being in competitive situations.  Joy in the battle - maybe that.  Yes... I think so.  Seeking pleasure in overcoming my challenges, facing them with a big fierce grin on my face.  And why not? They're there whether I cower or engage in the battle... might as well have fun while I'm doing it.

The other thing this card so often means for me, and I think this also applies here, is the notion of jockeying for position...finding one's place in the scheme of things.  And that rings very true... I've lost my sense of place - of where I fit in with the world.  Yes.  I need to look for that place and be willing to engage in the battle to step into it, not just wait for it to happen.  I am seeking a sense of purpose that is only mine to fill, and courage (and joy!) in occupying that turf.

I think this is telling me to look at getting back into the world in a meaningful way - I've been sidelining myself for long enough.

8. Balsamic Moon - Crone - Release
It is time to release what this is showing. This will show something you may feel you need, however it is no longer necessary or useful in your life. The time has come to let it go.

0: The Fool

Release the Fool?? Nooo!

Hmm... ok, what is the Fool?  Potential... the 'soul' before it's stepped into the stream of life... 'in the world but not of it'...  The Fool is playful innocence, can be gullible and overly trusting, ignoring pitfalls and dangers and doesn't think about where she's going... just moseying along through life, taking what comes.  The Fool can also be a trickster, playing practical jokes or being funny to just to enjoy reactions... the Fool can also be the butt of a joke, clowning by taking pratfalls and not worrying what others think.

Hmm... taking pratfalls. ouch.  I think that's it.  I have been poised... lots of potential, but no manifestation... hovering on the edge of that cliff, absolutely sure that life is ready to hand me yet another banana peel to slip on, another football to yank out from under me just as I go for it.  As long as I stay poised, the fall doesn't happen.  Nothing else  happens either.  I think maybe I need to release that  inner certainty that some unseen Prankster is going to turn anything I reach out for to dust and laugh at me for trying. (wow, didn't know I did think that, but boy did that ring true).

It's not that I need to release the Fool's faith or willingness to just Be - I need to release the sense of myself as the world's clown, and start expecting that if I apply my own conscious will to things, I can direct the outcome.  Not just wait for the next Kick Me sign to be planted on my back.

9. Dark Moon - Weaver - Truth
This is the truth of where you are right now, it is your Truth. It may be hidden from you, or you may keep it hidden from others. Through acknowledging this and bringing it into your life you clear the way to further development.

Page of Cups

And so here at the end of the reading, we come back to a court card - an aspect of who I am.  I had a houseguest today so delayed in writing this, and throughout the day it was on my mind, mulling.

The truth of where I am right now is that I am just beginning to trust that I can reconnect with others and allow myself to be vulnerable and open to them.  And this is indeed the truth - on the outside, I'm the Queen of Swords and trying to latch into the Queen of Wands.. on the outside I'm 'strong' and tough and mature (a word applied to me that I often think is well overstated.

Inside? I'm a child who has been through a lot that hurt me more than I dare admit - and I keep a good hard shell around me to try to make sure it won't ever happen again.  Inside? Blue jello with gummy fish. There have been times when this child within me shames me...so sensitive, so needy for a hug... but I'm moving past that.  This page is also what lets me care about others - to be very specific, the Page of Cups is who I access when I read Tarot for others and for myself - it's where the imagination and playfulness I use to understand them comes from and it's where the compassion I feel for those seeking guidance is born. 

I know there's more to this than what it means in my relationship to the cards, but that's what's striking me tonight... as I read for others and draw out their own tender, sensitive Page of Cups - create a safe place for that vulnerable person to dare show itself, i'm learning to do it for myself as well.  Learning that I can ask for love and trust it to be given. Learning that I can dream and not be scolded or told to grow up and put away my dreams.

It's a huge lesson...huge.  In so many ways, I'm starting over again, emotionally and I feel as if I'm a big sister walking beside my younger inner self and telling her it's ok.  It's ok to love and to be loved... it's ok to have imaginary friends and want to be happy.  So simple, but I didn't know this for a long, long time.

 

Daily Draw: 6 of Cups

from the Gilded Tarot

Two children are in a grassy field together.  One appears to be a darkhaired girl in a red tunic, sitting in the grass near a rabbit.  The other one appears to be a boy, standing up, wearing a mauve tunic and holding something in his hands.. is that a frog?  Surrounding them are six large cups in service as plant holders.  Each cups hold an arrangement of flowers, each cup containing a different hue... yellows, purples, oranges, indigo, blue, and blue-green, like a rainbow of sorts.  Peeking out of the grass in the lower right foreground is a yellow tabby cat. Behind, there are three green leafy trees.  The sky behind is sherbert orange near the horizon with a white glow above that and then deepening nto bright blue with fluffy clouds... I gather this is early morning, just at dawn.  The over all feeling from the card is happiness and innocence.

This card usually speaks of nostalgia and looking to the past for me, and this one really seems to be highlighting accessing that air of innocent pleasure and being able to connect with the natural world safely - both animals and plants are here, but in a safe, domesticated way.  No wolves will be leaping out to endanger this scene.  The time of day and seasonal cues help determine that this is the 'springtime of life' and it seems to be about hooking into that way of connecting, without cynical judgement or fear, but simply experiencing what is and enjoying it with one's playmates.

This card makes me smile.  It reminds me of the games my friends and I use to play when I was younger than ten - we'd make flower dolls out of our mothers' garden bounty, or send maple seeds whirlygigging out of the sky. We'd climb the 'cliffs' behind the house (rock walls about 3 feet high) or put on shows for younger siblings and pets using a picnic table as a stage.  When I think back, we were always doing and half the fun was figuring out how to use what we had as props.  "Buy me..." wasn't really in the daily vocabulary of my youth.

What does this say to me today? It seems to continue the message of yesterday - use what you have to create an environment of connectedness and pleasure.  Remember how you used to do it.  It's an interesting challenge... I've never seen the card this way before, but it really rings true for what sort of attitude I want to pull into my life right now.

Daily Draw: 9 of Cups

from Gilded Tarot

Description: A grey-haired man with muttonchop sideburns and a white hat is standing behind a table or bar holding one cup high in the air with his left hand.  He wears a green tunic and a white apron or overshirt.  In front of him on the bar are three more cups and two barrels in the foreground hold 3 cups and 2 cups respectively.  Behind him, more barrels are stored.  The rafters overhead are holding something...dinnerware? More provisions?  The window behind him is either blue stained glass or showing a very blue sky, perhaps just shortly after the sun has set.

My overall impression of this card is one of warmth and good cheer - the man is smiling and his expression and posture seem to be toasting me.  There are plenty of cups ready for friends to share and he seems to inviting me to partake.  The room itself is full - there are plenty of parties still to come with all that's here.  The man himself seems to be a cook - he's prepared all this bounty and is happy to have it enjoyed. Oddly, physically he reminds me of Neelix from Star Trek: Voyager (haven't thought of that show in years) who took great pride in creating good food for the crew and acted as the one who made the ship a 'home'.

The 9 of Cups is the one often referred to as the Wish Card, but you know, I usually just cringe at it when I see it in the RWS deck - that guy looks smug and worse, selfish to me, sitting there with all his little cups in a row behind him, as if he's guarding them to make sure no one else can have them (but making darn sure they can see what he's got that they don't).

But this one.... this looks like my kind of wish - to be able to have everything you need in order to share your happiness with others.  And it's not just 'lookie what I got!' either... what he has is the necessary provisions to create the actual bounty.  That apron and hat shows that he's taken what he has and put some work into using it.  He doesn't just get his wish... he makes it so, and then shares the wealth.

So what will I do today to access the energy of this card?

I will look for ways  to make the most of what I have, to create what I most desire.  And I will look for ways to generously share what I have with those around me, remembering that what I wish most is to have enough to be the conduit for helping others gain their wishes as well.

Additional comment: I love it when I find puns (intentional or otherwise) buried in the cards.  If the time of day here is shortly after sunset and we're looking at a tavern setting... this card is Happy Hour!

Cheers!

End of day  update -

Being the day before payday, this was a day where it seemed the opposite of what this card depicts - the pantry was an odd mishmash of ingredients that almost make a meal with some critical missing elements.  Well, no going to the store today, so I was just going to have to figure it out.  And  I kept thinking about this card - this feeling of having all you need to create what you want and doing it so completely that you can share.

So, I pulled out a couple items and started doing a vague inventory of the larder for something likely to combine well, and as I did Daughter#1 asked if her boyfriend could stay to dinner..  pulled out a couple more items and said sure.  Then Daughter#2 mentioned that her best friend would be by, and might she stay to eat?  I said yes without even thinking then did some more grazing to make sure that there'd be enough for what was now a meal for six.

And to be honest, I still wasn't sure what to call what I was putting together - a sort of chorizo tamale pie kind of thing that, in the end, made just enough for everyone.  And as a side effect of openng our home to friends, I managed a good inventory of my pantry before I go shop tomorrow.

Daily Draw: Ace of Cups

from The Gilded Tarot

Description: An eye in the sky gazes out at me, rays forming a sort of pyramid downward.  The central image is of a large, ornate golden goblet sitting on top of a large body of water.  Hard to see exactly what's behind it, thought it seems like a storm on the horizon. Behind that patch of darkness, though, there is a sunset or sunrise.  The eye itself is just at the point where the sky transitions from dark to light.  Above the eye, like an eyebrow, is the moon seen in its faces from new to full, and above that the sky is clear enough to see the stars.

I have only recently started to work with this deck, and  this may be the first time I've really taken a look at this card.  The  eye with its pyramid rays  calls to mind the Eye of Providence (the same that is on a dollar bill)... the notion of deity watching over and approving.  Perhaps this is the same idea of the hand out of the clouds in RWS style decks.... that this Ace is a gift from the universe and intended for good.

There is much in this card that points to the dreamy, inner aspects of the watery suit - the moon in her phases rising up over the setting sun.... there is a sense that this Ace brings with it a transition away from the bright light of day and its storms to a new place where inner cycles can be accessed and explored.  The one truly clear part of the sky in this card is in the full dark, where one can see the stars.

Less so than in other cards, I do not really see this card pointing so much to 'new romance' or even anything to do with anyone else.   This is a new focus and upwelling of feeling for oneself - of looking inward instead of seeking love from other people. 

I like it - it's a very powerful image.

Since this is my first public daily draw in two years, I think perhaps this Ace points to this new start - a new potential for spotlighting my own inner musings about Tarot.