Journey in 78 Steps

Willow's House Reading (Aquarian Tarot)

Willow's House -- Corresponds to the fifth house and Leo, astrologically speaking. Willow is the heart of Buffy, the Vampire Slayer. As the show evolves, so does Willow. Her identity shifts in several ways--from computer geek to Wiccan, from straight to gay--but her essence--that of a smart, loving, and supportive friend, remains. Still, don't underestimate her importance. As she says to Buffy, "I'm not your sidekick."

What important area of my identity will become clear to me this year? In which areas will I grow and shine?

Knight of Swords / Empress

First, just looking at these, I see the Knight standing guard in front of the Empress.... if you want to get to her, you have to go through him.  The Knight seems to be calm, with the sword slung over his shoulder - ready to be used if needed, but the Knight is standing in an 'at ease' posture.

The Empress card in this deck is odd to me... she certainly has a 'royal' appearance, but she's dressed in layers and layers of clothing and the surrounding landscape seems really barren.... rocky cliffs in which there is a waterfall, but no signs of life.  She carries a large wooden sceptre and shield with a Venus symbol on it, but I can't say that she seems to be in much need of protection, given how heavily encased she is in clothing and protective cliffs all around her.

Her headdress makes me wonder if she can even hear anything through all that fabric covering her ears.

Now, astrologically, the Knight of Swords is me (Gemini), though I usually prefer the Queen of Swords.  And I can't help (again) seeing this Empress as my mother... especially here with this deck, with the Empress so heavily sheltered and swathed that she seems to be very alone...a spark of life in a barren environment, not talking, possibly not able to understand what she hears, with little to see that makes much sense.

So.. in terms of the question, and an aspect of my own identity that will become clear this year as I grow into it, I think it is that - that I am growing into the role of my mother's protector and, like this Knight, getting comfortable with the role - not floundering, nor feeling as if every moment is a battle, but ready when it's necessary to protect this woman, my mother, from dangers she is too isolated to see clearly, and too encumbered to protect herself against.

The Empress - No Kidding!

So, I left off with that Empress being drawn - and she's taken over my life since!  I've thought of that card often over the last couple months, wanting to readdress it and having no idea how or where to begin.

And the reality is, it is all far too personal to attempt to fully explain, so the best I can do is note this briefly and move on.

Life has been hitting me hard with the many variations of mothering that occur...

First there is the process of nurturing and caring for ourselves...  I was still very much struck in the grip of spiralling, out of control arthritic pain when I last wrote here.  Since then, spring has arrived and I've made a few helpful trips to my doctor to adjust medications and make alterations in how I care for myself, and have learned (again... a lesson I forget over and over to my own detriment) that nothing else functions unless I first look out for my own wellbeing.  Especially during times when I'm called upon to be there for others (and as I'll explain, I am very much in one of those periods), if I don't put myself first the rest just falls apart.

One of the most relevent modern metaphors is the one we all hear everytime we find ourselves on a plane... we are told that in an emergency, oxygen masks will drop down to assist us .. but if we need to assist children or other passengers with theirs we put on OURS first.  It's not a selfish act - if you pass out, you aren't going to be of help to anyone else.

So that is my first lesson in motherhood... be my own nurturer first before trying to nurture anyone else.  I'd love to say I'm learning - I am... but I know how easy it is to forget.

Next - while I was on a trip to visit my doctor and thinking I had a bubble of peace in which to deal with my own health, I learned that my father had passed away and that my mother had mid to late stage Alzheimers.  I'd been out of touch with my folks for a long time, and I'm not ready to go into the crash and slam of emotions that I still have to sort through.  On the heels of this double whammy, I learned I'd been named executor of my father's will, reconnected with my sister AND discovered my father's side of the family was quickly taking control of my mother and her assets. 

The last two months have been a nonstop struggle to sort things out, involving courts in multiple states and relatives making things as difficult as possible in order to keep control and profit from all of this.  I'm not going to go into this in any detail just yet either - there is still a very long way to go before my mother is safe and cared for properly and all the legal responsibilities have been handled.

But its been a whirlpool crazy mix of practical and legal considerations, and emotional upsurges to be either dealt with or delayed until there is room for them.  My mother (and father) greatly informed the person I am, and those memories are with me strongly, while at the same time I am in a place of having to take over for them... to be my father's representative and see to it my mother is financially cared for... to be my mother and try to ensure her safety and happiness from a distance and trying to cross the barrier of those who are trying to close my sister and I off from her.  I'm reclaiming a relationship with my sister under horrifically stressful circumstances.

It is a crazy mixture of loss and recovery, trying to be a good mother, and daughter and sister all at the same time and minute by minute deciding which role takes priority at which moment.  I have thought longer and harder about what 'mother' means to me in the last two months than I have through the raising of four children over the years.

And because crises never take orderly turns in coming, my youngest is struggling... she is almost 16 and during this same period has had some painful rites of passage ... not unique, but new and hard for her ... and here again, I've needed very much to BE there for her, to not be distracted, not push her needs down below anything else, even though they are all critical.

I have been stretched farther than I thought I could go, and what I can take away from this (besides the need for a loooong nap and a good vacation somewhere quiet) is that the caring role is one that teaches you how far love can be stretched.. that when you think you can't handle anymore, you find out you can. Hopefully not without an end to crisis mode, but surely no limit in the capacity to care even if there is a need now and then in a break from having to act.  It feels as if every time I think I have no more to offer of myself, a rushing indwelling comes from elsewhere through me for me to use.  I've found myself crying and muttering "I want my mommy" and then felt it.. from my mother or from The Mother... filling me and giving me the strength to do what I need to for my own mother, or my daughters, or myself. 

Yes, I am talking in the sense of a mystical experience - this whole thing has taught me much about the truth that we are never alone even when we feel most alone and the act of admitting you can't go on alone opens the way for help.

None of this is resolved, and I don't quite know how any of it will work out.  But I am finding my legs.. realizing that Mother means not only a hug at the right moment but the willingness to be a Warrior, not only means caring for one's children, but one's parents, one's self... whatever and whoever we claim as ours in our heart.

And its not a role for the faint hearted.  My mother was a powerfully strong woman - very bright, thoughtful, graceful... she isn't southern, but the term 'Steel Magnolia' well applied to her.  I am trying to access that strength now, to return it to her and to pass it forward to my children and grandchildren.  That chain from mother to daughter is my inheritance and one I am very grateful for.

Daily Read: III - Empress / Knight of Cups (Llewellyn Deck)

Today, I drew the Empress, showing the energy for the day.  For me, this card almost always has to do with domestic and creative concerns - taking care of hearth and home especially in my role as mother.

The Knight of Cups points to how best to use that energy and today this Knight is pointing straight back to the laundry room (see all the 'suds' that horse is kicking up?).  Knights focus energy and this suggests the big focus is catching up on these mountains of dirty clothes.

The Empress is a big reminder here - my primary role is leading the project, not necessarily doing it on my own.... getting the girls involved in doing the heavy lifting and taking care of their own, not doing it all for them.

The other concern to deal with today is taking two of the cats to the vet for shots, with one of them getting neutered (the other will be following in a few weeks).  This is also Empress energy - she represents fertility, but in a responsible way that is for the good of the planet.  Ensuring there are no accidental kittens in a town where the shelter is full of kittens needing homes is a good thing.

What is Love? A Valentine's Day Reading

I wanted to post this before we got too far away from the day - I used the Lover's Path Tarot to ask the question "What is Love?" using the Four-Fold Vision Spread.

What is Love?

The object being viewed (Love):
7 of Coins

This card shows Love as slow growth - a parent caring and raising a child for the sake of a future she might never see... planting a tree which might not bear fruit until long after the planter is gone.  Love isn't about what you can do for me, but about me caring for you whether or not there is immediate return.  Love isn't about quick fixes or a strategy to get results, but is focused on the long range benefit to the one being loved.  "Love is patient".

Physical vision (how love is experienced at a mechanical/material level):
6 of Arrows

At the core level, Love creates a situation where life's challenges are easier to handle... it is seen as a method of traveling through life in such a way that difficulties are made easier, chaos is calmed, everything feels easier because one isn't thinking solely of themselves.  In this sense, I think Love is the boat - it matters less whether or not there is someone currently available on which to pour out one's love as it does that each of us can choose to journey through life in a loving way - being open to it is what carries us forward.

This is quite a bit different than how many people regard Love - they look for it, wonder when it will come to them rather than realizing have it with them always.  They tell themselves that Love is more 'real' according to how intense everything is, including anger and drama and feelings of insecurity.

There is a reminder here that Love leads to a sense of calm, not created drama... it exists to make life better, not more chaotic. 

Mental Vision (Love personified/perceived)
VI: Love

Ha! Love is... Love.  We see Love as the archetype of Love.  Here, that archetype is firmly shown in the camp of passionate love - Isis and Osiris, who battled and overcame everything including betrayal and Death for the sake of the love between them.  This is Love as warrior that will allow nothing to destroy it - Love with fierceness and great passion in it.

I don't think this is necessarily a contradiction to the 6 of Swords, though it is the grander vision that drives our daily journey.... Love doesn't let life's complications destroy it.. doesn't let the daily details come between those who love.  Love personified is stronger than the life in which it lives... as long as let that boat carry us, we don't get bogged down by momentary problems.

Emotional Vision (how passions are stimulated by mental vision):
XIV: Balance

Oh I do like this - Emotionally, Love is seen as a melding together - a blending together of those who love, so that each are uplifted and necessary and together they become something stronger than they were alone.  The couple shown here is Venus and Vulcan.. possibly the most mismatched couple in myth - water and fire, beauty and brawn.  By themselves, each has their own individual strengths and weaknesses... together they are able to lend strength the other lacks and operate as a balanced whole.  They don't disappear into the other - each remains a unique individual while evolving together into One.

Mystical Vision (unseen aspects of the object):
III: Fertility, rx

This returns to the message of the first card - Love is a generative act... its purpose is to create, whether that be creating babies or aiding the growth of the one that is love.. or through art or other forms of doing... Love isn't a feeling, it is a verb - Love manifests itself in real and concrete ways.

The reversal here is a reminder that when one loves, they are planting seeds within themselves... there is internal growth that takes place.  So as we plant the seeds outwardly, knowing we might never see the results - as we travel through out lives in a way that Love carries us through our difficulties.. as we fight for the sake of Love and let nothing harm it or turn us aside from the path.. as we let Love connect us to others who can make us stronger than we can be on our own... Love grows within us, the generative qualities of Love take root within ourselves and it becomes an essential aspect of who we are.

All together the root of this reading seems to be that... to not live in such a way that one protects against love or fears it - but to live it, fullheartedly and that as we do so, it gets easier to understand why we should.

Reading: New Moon in Libra

Today's a new moon, and it's time to put this deck away (sadly, because I am enjoying it so much more after  these last few days than I have in the past).  So time for a reading to send it off.

This New Moon is in Libra, and in doing a little reading, it's supposed to be a good time to work on the growth of fair relationships, so I'm once again reading on my daughter - things have been fine since the blow up the other day, but given the bigger concerns of easing her toward independent adulthood, it seemed like the relationship most in need of a boost.

Rather than seeking out a new moon - specific spread, I simply used a basic one I use often and the results were very interesting.

I have: Mother of Water (Compassion)
 
This is what I have to work with - my role as a loving parent.  This card, keyed to the Queen of Cups, nurtures the emotional connections and understands the relationship based on how it feels.  No matter what else is going on, at its core our relationship is strong and we love each other.

I like the way this image shows her holding up two bowls of water - enough to share and enough for oneself... it is a reminder that nurturing with love doesn't just mean trying to make the ther happy - it has to include self-nurturing as well.

I do like that this is our core connection - sometimes our actions don't reflect it, but for the most part there is basic trust that we care about each other.  If anything, the emotional closeness we've developed over the last couple years may be a detriment to her getting out on her own... for my part, the instinct to not want to hurt her feelings does sometimes lead me to not say things that need to be said so that she will take on more personal responsibility.  On her side, it means that there is less spur to motivate her out onto her own. (which, I think, is at the heart of recent frustrations... it is a compelling need to break loose of ties in order to become independent at her age.  It's a lot tougher when those ties are otherwise positive, but it has to be done.)

I want: Six of Water (Pleasure)

Well, this is easy enough - I normally associate the 6 of Cups with nostalgia for the 'good old days' (which are usually much nicer in fantasy than they were in reality).  I was a little surprise to see it because of that association - I don't at all want things to be as they used to be between us - - our relationship is much better than it was when she was longer (as is our life, in terms of stress).

So, ignoring that particular association, I'm simply looking at the card... decorative bowls nestled in flowers and lush green leaves and water flowing into them... they're arranged in such a way that it creates a fountain, each bowl getting its fill.  It is harmony.... everything runs smoothly to create a smoothly running place of beauty.

And that's it.. right now, I want some step up of a desire on her part to help make our home run smoothly.  She's not inclined to do things without being asked, and when I do ask I have to ask repeatedly before it happens.  She doesn't directly say she thinks she shouldn't have to... it's just that it's still all very task based and waiting to be nagged into it.  And where this relates to her growing independence is that if she can't start independently managing her bits of responsibility here in our shared home, how will she manage herself in her own?

I want her to do this firstly because a grown able bodied person should be doing her portion to create a pleasant environment, and secondly because it has become the main sign I'm looking for that she's ready to move into her own adulthood.

But I think perhaps I might focus more on simply the immediate concern of wanting a pleasant home to live in instead of putting such large import into household tasks.

I need: III - Grand Mother (Creativity)

This is keyed to the Empress - the higher, wiser archetype of the Queens.  I like that here she is depicted as "Grandmother" - she's got age and experience on her side and can take the long view...she's the caretaker of long term growth. 

She holds the child in her lap... I need to remember the child my daughter was.  She has a full pot of corn she's harvested, with more growing for the next season - I need to remember that this, like each step before, is a stage and growth is happening... the turtle reminds me that it is a slow process and requires patience.

This is what I need... to remember that this is only a part of a larger cycle, and if it is a little frustrating now...well, we've passed through other frustrating stages together before, and in many ways she's only now reflecting what I tried to teach her while she was younger.... the lessons I'm trying to instill now may not become visible for awhile yet, but they are growing within her.

I think I need most to trust myself and her to continue to grow in maturity.

I get: Daughter of Earth (Creativity)

And here I get my confirmation of that - keyed to the Page of Pentacles, this is my daughter, the beginning of the journey toward becoming her own Empress.  She's a Taurus and reflects those qualities strongly... a desire for comfort, a slowness and solidity that often exhibits as stubbornness but also a strong loyalty - once she gets something, it sticks.

So interesting that this card highlights creativity - it seems the secret here is to create a situation where she can feel as if her actions are her own, done her way and with that pride of creation.. not just doing things my way according to my instruction.  I think I can work with that, and - another confirmation - hook into my own desire for a pleasant home to urge her to work with that goal in mind rather than just 'because I said so' or out of a sense of responsibility.

If I can alter my focus that little bit, I think perhaps she'll get it and begin to own some of the responsibility/pleasure of helping to create that beauty.

Final Advice: Father of Water (Sensitivity)

Here I see the more proactive version of the Queen of Cups, not simply feeling love and nurturing her emotionally, but being alert and aware of the emotional impact of our life together.  With this, comes understanding of her feelings and my own, and using them to problem solve (as, I think, I am doing now).

It also indicates a need to stay aware of my feelings and in control of them - not let frustration side track me from my purpose here.  This  figure stands in a pool of water, but not so deeply as the Mother does, and he carries ears of corn.. the same that the Empress has harvested, a reminder that there is a balance here between the needs of the day, and the longterm growth that comes from these smaller moments.

Overall, this whole reading seems to be a reminder to not place too much emphasis on what isn't entirely the way I'd like it, but to take it in smaller parts and focus on the positive results - her independence will come in time.  For today, remembering to treat each other with sensitivity and compassion is the most important thing to help develop my relationship with her.

Deviant Moon Lunatic Spread

I've been working on this for days - the actual reading was done on the 18th with short notes in my private journal, but I wanted to put up something coherent and with images here.  This involved more fussing with my scanner than I would have liked and it hit me during a not so verbal phase - so chipping it it bit by bit...

I didn't ask a question other than what should I be aware of covering the next couple of months.  The spread itself is the one that's included with the Deviant Moon deck (which comes with a paper tarot cloth showing this same spread).  Lots of hidden' stuff and influences, with I think is perfectly compatible with a deck devoted to offkilter lunar concerns.

The Inquirer: Present Day - self and all circumstances in your present position in life

THE LOVERS

A pale woman and dark man are standing on a sandy shore near a large pool or water, locked in an intimate embrace - the woman's right leg is lifted upward (as if about to wrap it around his hip and pull him closer) and her head is tilted back as he nuzzles her neck.  Her eyes are closed but his are open and gazing at her.  They are both naked other than a red flat cap with yellow triangles trimming the edge which the man is wearing.  A snake is on the ground near the man's left foot and has bit him just above the ankle.

In the distance, and reflected in the pool, there is a line of mountains - the general color of the sand, pool, mountains and even the sky is brownish-gold.  Hanging over the couple is a full moon with a face smiling at them and a ray of mist emanating toward the couple from the moon, as if it is blowing moondust down on them.

This is an overtly sexual depiction of the Lovers.  The snake provides a hint of Adam and Eve (warning, perhaps, of the cost of giving over oneself to love).  The couple show a contrast between the full moon and dark moon - here, it is the male that is the dark moon figure and yet he is also the one in the active 'taking' position while the full moon female is shown as the more receptive one, eyes closed, receiving a kiss. This suggests to me  that the choice to Love requires letting one's irrational inner self take over...and one's conscious persona be willing to receive and not be in full control of what happens.

I wonder if the real cost the snake represents is that 'knowledge' makes it hard to let go and receive love without counting the cost? (I actually have a whole different take on Adam and Eve... but musing from within the traditional mythical construct here)

So.. this is where I am right now... making choices that involve my relationship with those I love, and needing to let go...stop counting that cost and give into it...trust that, just as the Moon here blesses the union, it will be all right.  And beyond my relationship with others there is the aspect of consciously stepping back and letting myself be seduced by my own dark moon inner self.

Past Influences - events from the past that shape the present

THE EMPRESS

A pale woman in a purple cloak and blue and gold headdress sits on a concrete stool on top of a black and white checkered floor that is surrounded by a lush wild garden.  Under the purple cloak, the woman appears to have a sharply ridged spine (like a leaf edge or lizard) and a thick green appendage that seems to be a tail comes from under the cloak and wraps around the woman's foot and up to her arm, where it becomes a green stem wrapping around her wrist and ending in an orange tuliplike flower that she holds.

The woman has a double set of breasts (the better to feed you with, my dear) and dark hair under the headdress.  In the sky, there is a waning crescent moon in the upper left corner.

The first thing that strikes me is the checkered floor - while the Empress is goddess of growing things, she still sits on a solid orderly foundation.  The other thing that gets me is that tail that seems to be both animal and plant - contained with in her is all living things, and the multiple breasts with which to sustain and nourish them.

It is my aspect as mother which has most profoundly shaped my past and impacts my present when it comes to relationships of all sorts - no matter who I am involved with, my parenthood is a part of the puzzle.  No matter what choices I make in terms of connectedness, my relationship with my children must be factored in.  And my way of relating to them impacts how I tend to relate to others.  In parenthood, especially, there is a need to give into the needs of the relationship and not count the cost (at least not after you've taken that step - and I took mine while just on the brink of adulthood, so I do not have any other way of being to compare this to - whatever else changes around me, I am now and always will be a mother).

Subconscious Influences - Underlying forces in the inquirer's mind, dreams, subconscious thoughts

10 of SWORD

A golden hairless figure (reminds me of a buddha having a very, very bad day) is crammed into a small wooden box. Ten swords have been thrust into the box and are trapping or piercing the figure and a look of agony is on the figure's face.  Swords pierce his nose, his heart region, his left hand (lifted up as if to say, "Stop! No more!" his left forearm and knee and his left foot.  Meanwhile his right side limbs are completely trapped by swords so he is unable to move or resist the onslaught.

Ouch... So first thought... "I don't feel that way!" and then heh... subconscious, my dear - this is where the denial happens.

And the truth is, this is where I have lived for the last few years - betrayed, boxed in and trapped by the details of my marriage breaking up... the details aren't necessary here... that deep down, I'm still carrying this is.

This card is utterly grim - there's no glint of a new day dawning and it reminds me of one of those horrible tests in the Saw movies... if you want to get out you're going to have to yank yourself off those swords and be willing to cut by a few more of them and then you have to figure out how to get out of that box. 

So subconsciously, I'm still here - I've worked to consciously not feel this way, but that's been mainly by sitting very still and not thinking about it.  This card is letting me know that I'm going to have to actually work my way out of the devastation or I'm still here, whether I acknowledge it or not.

Like I say...ouch.

Secret Desires and Wishes - Hopes and dreams not yet realized

THE FOOL

An here is the opposite of that boxed in golden child - the Fool, tromping freely through a shallow pool (there are gondolas - this is a watery street) and playing with the fishes. 

The Fool here is of the dark moon and there is a waxing moon in the sky - he may not appear to be doing much other than playing, but this is a time of growth.  The Fool wears a red and white striped outfit that could be a jester's costume, but looks more like a pair of pajamas and nightcap.  While everyone sleeps, he's out frolicking.

And yes.. hopes and dreams not yet realized... to be free and playful without any cares and without always having to consider what might go wrong.  This Fool is enjoying the world of emotions and intuition (not impaled by thoughts and strategies) and has a deep unabashed trust that things will be ok and can take care of themselves.  This looks like a good place to be and yes, I would like this .. or at least more of this... in my life.

Hidden Influences - Unseen powers that affect the inquirer
9 of CUPS

Here we go again... the 9 of Cups continues to turn up for me in readings all over the place, usually in some sort of 'unseen' context.

In this version, there is a dark moon figure dressed in a tailored brown outfit and a tight pigtail sitting on the beach near a body of water.  The figure is holding a lamp from which a dark genii has appeared, surrounded by a ring of golden cups.  The genii has a 'third eye' in the midle of his forehead.  There is a waning moon hanging low in the sky.

I have to just give in on this one... unseen powers that affect me have to do with someone or some situation that has the power and is willing to use it to grant me what I wish.  And believing this.. takes busting through that 10 of Swords box, because all of those swords are inscribed with 'I got into this by trusting that I could have what was promised'.

I think this 9 of Cups keeps popping up to tell me to trust - and that's scarier than that image of the box.  Makes sense, I suppose... if I really want that Fool, trust has to come first.

Thing is... in those genii stories, 'be careful what you wish for' is always the message, isn't it?  I continue to not know how to relate to this card.

Events to Come - Future happenings in the inquirer's destiny

5 of CUPS

Yikes what a wretched image - a pair of dark moon figures stand on a balcony near the sea.  The woman, wearing an apron and red headscarf is angrily pointing and waving at the man, who appears to be smaller than she is and fairly well dressed. He wears a purple cap and a look of anxiety and is covering his ears to block out her words.  Three spilled cups (the liquid could be red wine but it looks like blood) are discarded on the ground near his feet, and a pair of upright cups are on the wall next to the couple.  The moon is full and entirely blank faced.

This is regret for choices that have lead to an unbearable situation and quite honestly it looks a lot more like my past and my marriage than anything I'm likely to allow into my world in the future... yes, i've been that nag married to someone tuning me out (I've also been the one being criticised).... regretted being in a situation where I felt I had to nag - and definitely regretted being in a situation where carelessness led to emotional concerns being treated like trash and wasted.  Both of us at fault for that one, yes.

So what's this mean for the future.. because, seriously, I won't ever let myself be in that situation again - it was an enormously painful place to be and too many years wasted on it for the sake of whatever dribbles were left in those upright cups.  But this may be working along with that 10 of Swords... and that in my future, I've got some actual letting go of this frustration and regret to come.  Another step in the two of us breaking the emotional hold we've got on each other  (which, at this point, is almost entirely quietly hostile and negative). That'd be good - some sincere neutrality would be a good thing - otherwise, we've both moved on but that undercurrent still exists. I'd like to get to a point where I can honestly (key word, that) say that I've let go of the betrayal I feel about how it played out (not that it played out - that part was a good thing. we were not good together) and it'd be nice to believe that he isn't justifying those decisions by continuing to talk about how terrible I am to people that don't even know me.

I'll take this as a positive indicator of that possibility... the notion that that day isn't comin is just unbearable... neither of us should be continuing to expend energy on hostility and negativity at this point.

Surrounding Environment - Elements of home, work, community, etc.

WHEEL OF FORTUNE

The figures on this card are pale, full moon in aspect.  A large woman (Lady Luck?) is dressed in a green dress and red coat and headscarf, trimmed in gold.  Her feet are bare.  A small figure with a tail, naked except for a red and gold cap (like a trained monkey's cap) is seated on a stool, hands on face and looking awestruck and scared, watching the woman crank the handle on a large wheel behind the pair.

The wheel itself is metallic and embossed with various images - a broken heart, a palm, a face, a moon, a star... A pair of fish decorate the wheel and a monkey faced imp with wings looks on from overhead, wielding a pair of small wands.

The phrase that comes to mind here is 'Oh no, what now??  And in terms of my environment...family, friends, community... this is most definitely how it's been lately for us all, hasn't it? Hanging on and apprehensively wondering what the next monkey wrench is going to be - feeling as if far too much is dependent on circumstances beyond our personal control.

Lately, Lady Luck has been nobody's friend.

Influence of Others - how those you meet or deal with affect your persona

ACE of CUPS

A dark moon woman with stone wings is seated, facing left. She's wearing a gauzy gown of blue and purple, trimmed in gold and wears a golden armband, a bracelet and ring connected by a golden chain, a golden neck cuff and a gold tiara with a red stone in the middle and twelve spikes (6 white, and 6 black).  Her hair is in tight beaded braids.

She's holding a golden, two-handled chalice decorated with vines - the handles are seahorses.

A full moon looks down with a calm face and is breathing a strong ray of moondust down into her cup.  The woman's face has a soft smile on it - she seems to be contented and happy.

This card tells me that every person I meet or am in contact with is a fresh opportunity for emotional openness - that people are where my potential for emotional growth lies.  This rings very true for me - it is in my relationships (including those who are only in my life for as long as it takes me to pay for something at a checkout counter) that I experience emotional richness.   This reading seems to be very much about my emotional life - and here is a reminder that all of my encounters contain the potential to help me grow into the person I wish to be.

For all that there are things beyond my control and old wounds to address and heal, as long as I remember that people are what matter most, I have within myself the the ability to feel abundance and love.

Spiritual Forces - Effects of spiritual influence over your question
2 of CUPS

A couple stand in the corner of a room which looks out over a city scene where a clock can be seen striking midnight.

The male is a skeleton (Death?), wearing a fancy cream outfit and red cloak and hood covered with a gold scarf.  The woman is dark with long black hair that is covered in glowing lights (stars?).  There is clearly a flirtation happening here - he leans against the wall behind her and she seems to be winking at him.  They hold a pair of gold chalices as if toasting one another. 

A golden ribbon wraps down the male's left leg and is curled around her right foot.  The toenails on her left foot are painted red, while those on her right are painted black.  Some spilled wine (blood) is sprinkled on the ground between their feet.

The same checked floor as on the Empress card is on the floor here.  In the distance, there is a factory blowing smoke from its chimneys.

This is partnership - these two appear to be very different and yet there does seem to be a complementary connection between death and darkness that works.  While this is new and flirtatious, the connection has been made and since this is about spiritual influences, this suggests to me here to seek spirituality in the realm of connections... a confirmation of the Ace's message and also a suggestion to connect to those subconscious and hidden influences this reading has highlighted.  Death's connection to the 10 of Swords - letting things go... and the hidden mystery I have with that 9 of cups pointing to this dark woman's head full of stars seem to be speaking here... they are connected somehow and can come together in a spiritual way for me.

(This reading is speaking on a level that is hard to draw up into the realm of words... if that sounded like babble it makes sense to me but I'm not sure how well I'm expressing it)

Final Outcome - Culmination of Events - result/answer to question

4 of PENTACLES

Here is Death again, this time female, wearing a dark cloak and hood and a frightening face. She wears a clock around her neck showing the time as 9:40 - a waxing moon is in the sky near a large building with a pair of smoking chimneys.  Death is leading away a richly dressed man (gold and purple) wearing a crown.  He has one shoe on and one off, as if he's being hustled away on short notice and he's looking back anxiously at the building he's leaving behind.

In his arms, he's clutching four pentacles... all he was able to take with him before he goes.  Death is leading him into a building or furnace filled with a raging fire, but the man doesn't seem to be even looking at where he's headed because he's so worried about what he's leaving behind.

Begs the question...just what does he think he's going to do with those pentacles he hangs onto so desperately?

This is a rather disturbing culmination card, eh?  The short answer here is 'you can't take it with you' - and even if you could, what's the point?  The reading suggests to me that it's hanging onto those old thoughts of betrayal that keeps me clutching for the status quo... in actuality, things are changing... the Wheel shows how circumstances are changing no matter how still I try to sit.  The Fool in the place of my hopes shows a need to travel very lightly.  The rest remind me over and over that it's in emotions not things... people not circumstances... where my true path lies.

This person, with his one shoe off and hugging coins to himself looks far more foolish than the Fool does.

---

I'm rather awestruck at the richness of this reading and this deck - I wasn't sure if I could read with it at all, but I can.  It's going to take a lot of practice to capably put these images into words... they truly do access the subconscious, below the level of language.

I've been mulling on this reading for a long time, and it continues to bear fruit.  And I think I may have a new favorite deck.

Stalked by Mother Nature

Wotta week.  Last night, my friend M and I made it back from what turned out to be a very difficult trip to DC.  I'm not sure how much notice the weather news got outside of the DC area, but it was baad.

(I drew a trio of cards and am laughing at how it tells the tale - I can laugh now that it's done!)

On Wednesday, M and I left for what should have been a 4.5 hour drive - I had a doctor's appointment out there on Thursday, so the plan was to head out on Wednesday, then M would drop me off at the hospital on Thursday while he went to work, pick me up after and on Friday I'd hang at his house and we'd head back home here on Saturday. 

The 6 of Swords describes the purpose of the trip - to get back on a medication and care program that would ease up some of the pain and loss of functionality I've had the last few months.  Good plan, eh?  Here we see Orestes making a  trip toward peace... should've been smooth sailing and the result of course was to secure  a calmer future.

Unfortunately, the drive took more than 8 hours and it was rainy the entire way - and it turns out we were driving in the wake of a major storm that began in the Ohio Valley, blew through WV (and overtook us in Frostburg, where it dumped a firehose-worth of rain on us when we'd stopped to get something to eat), and went on to make mincemeat out of DC's commuter traffic.  By the time we made it to the area, traffic was at a total standstill, street lights all over the region were out, and it took us as long to crawl around the loop as it did to get there from my front door.

Turns out, we didn't even realize the half of it.  When we got to M's house, a tree (a very healthy, old, vibrant tree) had been torn up by its roots and was laying across the street (fortunately hitting no one's house or car), right on top of the power lines - no power to the neighborhood, of course.  We were tired, wet and hungry, so we dropped off our stuff and went to look for food - figuring we'd drive til we found somewhere with lights on and then pick a restaurant.

Off we went and found an area that looked lit up and normal, flipped on the radio and heard "...immediately take shelter. If you do not have a basement, get into the bathtub.  Again, if you are in the (exact area where we were), take shelter IMMEDIATELY - this is a fast moving tornado and will he hitting in the next couple of minutes."

ERK!  With no time to think and no bathtubs in the car to take shelter in, we ducked into the parking lot next to us and decided to go into the restaurant there (hey, there were limited options), hoping not to sit near a window.  The sky was pretty freaky for the next 20 minutes or so, but no tornado, at least not where we were.

After that, the weather was over and it was just the aftermath. ("Just" she says...)  There were a quarter million people without power, downed trees everywhere and radio announcers calling what had happened before we arrived as a 'gustado' - a tornado level blast of wind that just punches through an area without the spinning action of a tornado.  And the weather for the next few days?

  Hot, hot, hot and humid to match - upper nineties for both temperature and humidity. The power company was working at breakneck speed to get power back on, but with all the downed trees it was complicated work and they're still at it now.  They called in help from multiple surrounding states and meanwhile, everyone sweated, food in refrigerators went bad, and the ever bad traffic situation in the are continued to be bad.

With no power on, there was also no coffee, and no warm water for showers (and in spite of the heat, a cold shower does my arthritis no good - and the humidity was already making me miserable enough), and on Thursday, we headed up to the hospital for what I'd already known was going to be a difficult day.  (Boredom is the real killer).

No need to go into all that - I was lugging medical records, a book to read and left with those plus a lot of meds, and braved the Metro to meet up with  M after he got off work and the heat was oppressive.

Friday, was more of the same, only at the house... no power, hot, able to read but bored (the heat was too much to really pay attention to anything 'deep' and by now it was impossible to keep drinks cool or otherwise ease the sticky hotness.  Around 4pm, the power people showed up and began working  and yay! About 3 hours later there was power again - the tree was also still across the yard, so M's got that to sort out - but power! Electricity is a beautiful thing.

Saturday, we both lazed about a bit before heading back to my area - and I was very ready to head home.  There were still a lot of areas without power, and the temperatures were over 100F in DC. But the drive back was much easier than the trip back had been.  We made a stop at M's office to pick up meds of mine he'd put in a fridge there (that was another challenge - very expensive injectables that had to be kept cool in a situation with no power!) and drove west.

And there, I was greeted with a wonderful surprise - my marvelous children, even not being in much communication with me (no power quickly meant no phone access as he has a wireless landline and the cell went dead and couldn't be recharged), they'd decided to surprise me by cleaning the house top to bottom, and had dinner waiting when we arrived. 

Home, great kids, coffee and AC and it's a beautiful day today (hot, muggy, but nearly as oppressive as it is out in DC).  And life is good.

April Full Moon Spread

Spread: Full Moon Spread, from Tarot for all Seasons, Christine Jette

Q: How can I best develop my relationship with Tarot right now?

1. Relationships
Knight of Cups

What you need to know now about developing your potential in relationship to others.  The truth of current relationships, be they lover, coworker, family or friend.

Here is a reminder to focus on the emotional connections of those I read for - not lose sight of the emotional force of their situations, or fail to be mindful of my own emotional responses. Feelings are not irrelevent!  Keeping empathy and compassion (without drowning in someone else's emotional sea) keeps readings from becoming judgemental - everyone's situation is important to them.  I had one huge reading failure nearly a year ago that continues to haunt me and where I failed was right here - I got to a place where I couldn't at all relate to what it was she wanted and also got very emotionally heated myself over her intentions.  I should have stopped - should have just acknowledged that those were barriers so large that she needed to find a different reader.  Instead I kept plugging and didn't do right by her, didn't do right by me, and way overstepped my boundaries, as she was coming to me for a reading, not an outraged lecture.  In hindsight, I believe she needs a therapist not a tarot reader (she's shopped around far and wide and tends to burn through them).  So part of this watching out for emotional vampires and part is about approaching the reading with compassion and empathy, and where that's not possible, stepping out rather than proceeding from a place of noncompassion and lack of empathy.

2. The Power of Choice
3 - The Empress

What decision needs to be made now to fully express your potential? What will free your creativity?

The Empress is pure creative energy - she gives birth to things, which means allowing the catalyst of conception, and then letting the process develop while nurturing it and myself until the right time for it to be born.  What is my decision here?  I need to choose to commit myself to the development of my creative potential - and what will free it will be patience, a healthy environment for expression and valuing the process.

The decision I've been contemplating (without deciding to commit) that comes to mind has to do with an SL project I think I want to do but am unsure if I want to devote the long haul commitment to stay with it.  Basically, I want to create tableaus for each of the cards (a few at a time), where a person can 'step into' the card, contemplate it...snap a picture and create their own personal deck over time, with notecards of information about each card.  A sort of virtual interactive living deck.  The sticking point is the commitment factor - I don't want to start this and then abort it.

I think this is telling me that a relaxed pace, one step at a time and let it develop rather than trying to see the whole thing is the way to go.  As a parent, I commit to the lifetime of my child, but I needn't be sure I can see the adult that child will become before choosing to commit and nurture the baby.

3. Manifesting Goals
Knight of Swords

What action do you need to take on a physical plane to reinforce your magical workings? What can you do in the mundane world to support your spirit's desire?

Remembering that with this deck, Swords are fire, this suggests focusing on goals and taking action to manifest them.  Simply, the action I need to take is... to act!  Which sounds simplistic in the extreme, but very apt for me - I can plan and research and analyze things forever with a grin on my face, but taking that first step (or not distracting myself away after four or five steps) is haaard.  Focus and do, baby.. focus and do.  I need to set some specific intentions for my progress, with concrete steps attached for working toward them.

4. Creativity
10 of Swords, rx

The Mother has given you talents, abilities, and gifts.  What must you do to fully express them? If you don't like this card, it is because the card shows blocks that you need to address before you can realize your full creative gifts.

Hi, Mom... thanks for the gift..that bloody dead dragon goes so well with my sofa...
heh.

Ok, what's up here... this card is melodramatic - do I have a melodramatic flair? sometimes, yes - so using that ability creatively, eh?  Actually... I do do that purposefully sometimes - show things taken to their ridiculous worst to get perspective on how it is.  It is a way of breaking past filters by letting them speak.  "Now that we've got that out of the way, lets look at this again..."

The other thing this says - and it ties to what I mentioned above - this card speaks of being able to stay with an plan to its conclusion - full and thorough analysis.  Not so positive when  it's beating a dead horse (or slaying a dead dragon), but it does have merit if you don't want to miss anything important. 

So to fully express my talents, I need to utilize my analytical skills (and know when to stop), and express my conclusions with some performance art skills that let them hook into what's being said and maybe laugh at themselves a bit?

(oops, couldn't make the mental switch to Swords as Fire there... but I'm leaving it)

5. Protection
5 - High Priest

Shows where you need to establish personal boundaries so you do not give your power away. What do you need to protect?

The High Priest represents traditional authority and ethics - and this is very timely.  I've begun doing readings with LivePerson/Kasamba, and it's an environment that is quite a bit different than I'm used to - people are less inclined to want to talk through the process and often very big on 'just tell me what will happen', as if the answer isn't 'well, doesn't that depend on what you decide to make happen?' 

So, I've been scrambling to really firm up my own sense of what can I read about with integrity, and which questions really need to go to someone more predictive-oriented.  I need to set these boundaries for myself if I want to draw the sort of client I prefer in rather than go for the masses and wind up hating it.  While I am very happy to have the ability to earn some money from this in a regular way, money isn't *the* reason for doing it.  In an industry that is rife with bad reputation, sometimes justified, I have to be rock solid for myself that I'm offering the sort of readings that I believe will provide help to those open to helping themselves, not be a collaborator in confirming live as something that just keeps happening to you for people who don't see their own power.

I expect I'll be doing a lot of adjusting and boundary setting (and moving and resetting), so getting to work in this setting is going to be very, very good for me.  I just want to make sure that I'm good for those I read for.

6. Psychic Gifts
Knight of Wands

How can you best develop your intuition? If this is a court card, it suggests the appearance of a teacher, guide or mentor.

And yet a third Knight - focused intent, this time in the realm of air - I love how the dragonrider is soaring upwards into the Moon.  Thought applied to intuition and the intuition soars.  I think this is about making connections out of impressions... develop the intuition by study and putting it together and being able to articulate it.

In terms of finding a mentor, I seek many - discussions with others studying Tarot, looking for examples of Tarot concepts in non-tarot related literature.  I would love to be able to study more formally, and while that's not something I can currently budget for, I may do well to start consciously saving up so that I can.

7. Blessings and Spiritual Direction
10 of Pentacles

The Mother wants you to celebrate the joy of being alive.  What do you have to be thankful for? How can you best express the Goddess in you?

Lovely final card - in spite of feeling as if life is rather precarious right now, if I honestly and thankfully look at it overall, I have a firm foundation, feel secure, and see all that I've brought with me from the past as a legacy that has led to a place where life is, at its core, good.  I am with my children and we love one another - my daughter told me the other day that I'm her best friend (!), we have the basic requirements of life met - shelter, warmth, food, and those are secure.  And having been through times of real lack, and real stress and insecurity, I know the difference.  I wouldn't trade my life today for what it was a few years ago, even though I had more 'stuff' and money then.  It came with despair and stress and waking up every day wondering how I'd be made to feel small again.

When I read for people who are stuck and afraid to give up the crumbs they have for the freedom to not be in abusive, belittling situations, I can draw on my own experience and know, confidently, that once you get over that hurdle, life gets better.  And it's much easier to find a path to material stability when you're not feeling powerless that it is to gain a sincere sense of power simply by holding onto material stablity.  Power means being able to see options for improvement and a sense of yourself as deserving and capable of making them.

I am grateful that I've experienced stuff without power and power without stuff, so I know which matters more.