Journey in 78 Steps

Birthday Reading

I wanted to do an annual outlook reading for my birthday, and had decided a few weeks ago to do the Buffy New Year Spread because hey! Buffy!  I've felt rather like a vampire slaying warrior lately, and it looked fun.

But for a lot of reasons (sore arm, looong spread, wanting to take time to consider each part of the reading), I decided to take each part a day at a time, draw a pair for each position and let that be my daily reading for the next few days (but looking at the big picture year ahead).  It seems a lot more manageable and meaningful  that way.

New Moon in Pisces

Today we are under the influence of the New Moon in Pisces - I'm no astrologer, but there seems to be an interesting timeliness in this... New Moons note beginnings of a new phase, while Pisces is the tail end of the astrological wheel.  Pisces has a contemplative, emotional energy to it, with intuition, inner guidance, and compassion on a universal level highlighted.  In the realm of endings, it can impact addictive behavior and I think this new moon may be an excellent time to begin letting go of addictive behaviors... clearing away old baggage in preparation for next month's Aries moon.

In addition, today is Mardi Gras - the last day of festivities before the Christian season of Lent begins.  Lent is intended as a contemplative time of preparation for Easter - to my heathen mind, that makes this a very good time to plant seeds of faith and hope in the coming spring and rebirth of the Sun at Ostara.

Lent used to puzzle me as a kid - I wasn't Catholic, but I had Catholic friends who always seemed to want to 'sacrifice' something for Lent like talking to their sister, or eating spinach.... for a long time I thought it was all about "yay, I don't have to do this thing I don't want to anymore!"   It wasn't until a friend of mine explained that the idea was to either give up something pleasurable that isn't good for you (that notion of letting go of addictions), like smoking or chocolate to weed out worldly holds and distractions from spirituality, or to abstain from something that wasn't bad for you but was something you cherished, as a sacrifice to God - like giving a gift of something of value to yourself for the sake of spirit - bringing in the quality of compassion and generosity, that made it start to make sense to me.   

I had a friend who chose during Lent to forgo purchased coffee and lunches during Lent, putting the money she would have spent into a jar and then donating the funds she didn't spend to a local food bank - that was one or the most meaningful expressions of faith I've ever seen because it built in a direct physical connection between what she was giving up with what she was giving to others.

I think Lent, observed properly, stems from spiritual truths that can speak to Pagan as well as Christian hearts. (For all I know it may stem from pagan roots)

The Hermit yesterday seems to be pointing to this moon's energy - now is the time to contemplate connections with spirit, with our own creative energy.  It is a time to let go of emotional clutter, to loosen the soil of our spiritual lives and make room for new life within.

With that in mind, I wanted to do a reading on emotional clutter that I may be 'addicted' to, with an eye to releasing it over this next month in preparation for Spring.  (ETA - and I never got that typed up so... moving on.)

What is Love? A Valentine's Day Reading

I wanted to post this before we got too far away from the day - I used the Lover's Path Tarot to ask the question "What is Love?" using the Four-Fold Vision Spread.

What is Love?

The object being viewed (Love):
7 of Coins

This card shows Love as slow growth - a parent caring and raising a child for the sake of a future she might never see... planting a tree which might not bear fruit until long after the planter is gone.  Love isn't about what you can do for me, but about me caring for you whether or not there is immediate return.  Love isn't about quick fixes or a strategy to get results, but is focused on the long range benefit to the one being loved.  "Love is patient".

Physical vision (how love is experienced at a mechanical/material level):
6 of Arrows

At the core level, Love creates a situation where life's challenges are easier to handle... it is seen as a method of traveling through life in such a way that difficulties are made easier, chaos is calmed, everything feels easier because one isn't thinking solely of themselves.  In this sense, I think Love is the boat - it matters less whether or not there is someone currently available on which to pour out one's love as it does that each of us can choose to journey through life in a loving way - being open to it is what carries us forward.

This is quite a bit different than how many people regard Love - they look for it, wonder when it will come to them rather than realizing have it with them always.  They tell themselves that Love is more 'real' according to how intense everything is, including anger and drama and feelings of insecurity.

There is a reminder here that Love leads to a sense of calm, not created drama... it exists to make life better, not more chaotic. 

Mental Vision (Love personified/perceived)
VI: Love

Ha! Love is... Love.  We see Love as the archetype of Love.  Here, that archetype is firmly shown in the camp of passionate love - Isis and Osiris, who battled and overcame everything including betrayal and Death for the sake of the love between them.  This is Love as warrior that will allow nothing to destroy it - Love with fierceness and great passion in it.

I don't think this is necessarily a contradiction to the 6 of Swords, though it is the grander vision that drives our daily journey.... Love doesn't let life's complications destroy it.. doesn't let the daily details come between those who love.  Love personified is stronger than the life in which it lives... as long as let that boat carry us, we don't get bogged down by momentary problems.

Emotional Vision (how passions are stimulated by mental vision):
XIV: Balance

Oh I do like this - Emotionally, Love is seen as a melding together - a blending together of those who love, so that each are uplifted and necessary and together they become something stronger than they were alone.  The couple shown here is Venus and Vulcan.. possibly the most mismatched couple in myth - water and fire, beauty and brawn.  By themselves, each has their own individual strengths and weaknesses... together they are able to lend strength the other lacks and operate as a balanced whole.  They don't disappear into the other - each remains a unique individual while evolving together into One.

Mystical Vision (unseen aspects of the object):
III: Fertility, rx

This returns to the message of the first card - Love is a generative act... its purpose is to create, whether that be creating babies or aiding the growth of the one that is love.. or through art or other forms of doing... Love isn't a feeling, it is a verb - Love manifests itself in real and concrete ways.

The reversal here is a reminder that when one loves, they are planting seeds within themselves... there is internal growth that takes place.  So as we plant the seeds outwardly, knowing we might never see the results - as we travel through out lives in a way that Love carries us through our difficulties.. as we fight for the sake of Love and let nothing harm it or turn us aside from the path.. as we let Love connect us to others who can make us stronger than we can be on our own... Love grows within us, the generative qualities of Love take root within ourselves and it becomes an essential aspect of who we are.

All together the root of this reading seems to be that... to not live in such a way that one protects against love or fears it - but to live it, fullheartedly and that as we do so, it gets easier to understand why we should.

Morgana's Trick or Treat Spread

I'm doing it again - stalling updating because there's a little glitch in my self imposed rules for posting here.  Right now the 'rule' is - it's Halloween Week and I want to use my Halloween Tarot deck.  And... *gasp!* I can't find it.

I am absolutely positive it will turn up, ohhh, somewhere mid-November.  But I don't want to stay silent just because it isn't the way I'd like it, so time to give up. I'm going to put the poor neglected Bright Ideas Deck to bed today with a reading, and then I'll switch to the Tarot of the Dead tomorrow and use that instead. 

I do want to share this spread though - I came up with it more or less on the fly last night in order to have a Halloween themed spread for our Saturday night Practical Tarot group in Second Life.  I've found that one of the  easiest and most fun ways to play with themed spreads is to look at a more generic spread with your metaphoric theme in mind - under the Halloween language, this is a nice, simple goal-oriented spread that gave us some good readings last night.

In our readngs, we left the subject open - let the spread decide the issue to be discussed.  I think it would work either way - if you have a topic in mind, simply let that first card reveal something significant to you about your goal... your motivatins or whatever.

Here's the spread, and I'll be doing my reading later today:

......5......
..3......4..
......2.....
......1.....

1. What do you want in your Halloween bag? (what is your goal?)
2. What costume are you wearing? (what role are you playing as you work toward that goal?)
3. Tricks (what is in your control - what 'tricks' can you do to work toward your goal?)
4 Treats (what isn't in your control - what 'treats' come to you without your effort?)
5 What do you take home? (what comes to you from this experience?)

If you play with, do me a favor and post a comment - let me know if you found it to be useful, or fun - I think this would be a great spread for a Halloween party, because it gives a 'real' reading in a fun setting.

Lammas Spread

I'm using the Lammas Spread created by Astraea Aurora in this Aeclectic thread.

As a I was shuffling, a card 'jumped' the deck and landed at the floor by my feet, and I decided to use this as the 'center' of the reading.. it's over-all theme.

Queen of Coins
The Queen of Coins in this card shows a motherly woman, with a calm, kind face.  She is wearing an ornate gold and black tapestry gown covered in green velvet trimmed with gold.  She has a pendant (it looks like a sapphire surrounded by diamonds) and a gold coin serves as a brooch decorating a white veil that covers her head and is topped by a golden crown.  Behind her head is a large gold coin acting as a halo.  The landscape behind her shows a white castle, a grey dog and a bird nesting - it is very pastoral, rich and placid.  Her expression seems very knowing... she's looking straight out of the card at me though her head is tilted slightly.

The simplest phrase that comes to mind to tell me what this Queen wants me to understand about this reading is, 'Take care of your things."  That is, in this first harvest spread, the overall message is to worry less about harvesting what I don't yet have than it is in tending to what I do have already.  Any lack of calm or sense of lack comes from not caring for what is already a part of my world - peace doesn't come from getting, but from creating a secure haven out of what is already mine.

The corn. What is now fully grown? What is now on its climax?

Page of Coins

 A young man in a brown robe and dark red hooded hat stands facing his left.  He wears a necklace of gold coins, and appears to be a prosperous acolyte to me.  He is holding a large coin with a hole in the center with his left hand, while his right is held up in what might be a blessing, but almost seems as if he's measuring the size of the coin.

There is a red robed angel with gold wings, either very small or in the distance, gazing at the youth and a shaggy ram laying on the ground at his feet.  Near the ram is an open book laying face up as if he were  recently consulting it.

Heavy clouds are low in the sky but overhead it is blue.  The youth stands on bare rock but lush green trees fill the scene behind him.

What strikes me here most is the way this page is holding up the coin and seemingly measuring it...perhaps comparing it to the size of the angel... like he's asking himself which is bigger...which is most important.  Here, now, this page seems to be asking me to explore the comparative value of material and spiritual abundance.  In this position though, it seems to be suggesting that I've been contemplating that question, and it's time to come to a conclusion about it.

I believe this has to do with choices I've been weighing and methods I've been using to research a path as a professional Tarot reader... it's time to make some decisions here about what I will and will not do - how to weigh spiritual concerns against  that of material concerns.  It's time for my research and exploration to bear fruit.

The scythe. What has to be reaped now? What has to die now?

Knight of Wands

 A knight in an ornate tapestry robe is riding leftward in front of a brick wall.  His horse is decked in a matching tapestry cover - ornate gold and black diamonds - this pair is decked out for show, not for battle. 

The knight is carrying a leafy branch wrapped in a banner on which are words in Latin.  I can see "I il ma....air Ionas affi.." but  I have no idea what that means, and the book merely refers to it as a 'message'. 

The ground where the rider is moving is dipped down - they are about to start climbing uphill.  A small fire is burning the grass near the wall.  On the wall in the upper left corner there is what I think is the bottom portion of a wall hanging - black with a repeated pattern of square and circle shapes made up of smaller motifs.

Now what the heck? I need to let go of effort to get some movement on my goals? That can't be right.  But it may be that it's time to let go of focusing my effort of putting out brushfires and worrying about others noticing that that is what I mostly seem to do. (yes, that sounds right) 

As I was writing this, I paused to have a brief discussion with my almost-SIL (who lives with us)...we were talking about how, between us, we've got some smallish but troubling debts to knock out and how, at the pace we were going and if we're willing to keep our expenses very tight, we could both have them all knocked out by the end of the year and agreeing that that was a positive vision.  It's one that requires that there be no major brushfires but for the first time in a couple of years, it looks doable.

I think that's it.. this knight is in a small valley, but things are about to look up... and he's passing that fire by, circling the building and but not 'sweating the small stuff' because he knows where he wants to go.  It's time to let go of living from emergency to emergency and to see a path and vision for a better future.  And the fancy dress?  Be proud along the way, but for myself, not for trying to impress anyone else - keep to my plan and don't worry about what others think of it or of where I am.

The freshly-baked bread. Or John Barleycorn. How can or should you use the harvest?

The Fool

A figure dressed in white with gold trim - she looks like a woman - and a jaunty red and gold bucket style hat is standing on the edge of a cliff looking out into the distance.  She holds up a large drum and is tapping at it with her left hand... moving in rhythm to her own beat.  A yellow dog is leaping up toward her - the dog looks happy to me, saying 'come on, let's go!'  The background is very dark and covered in dense greenery - but it looks more like a tapestry than a real woods.  The bit of of the rock showing from over the cliff is much brighter as if it is lighter where she's facing than where she's been - and it's as if she's stepping out of that tapestry into a bright life.

How can I use the harvest - the reaping of emergency thinking?  By accessing the energy of the Fool - trusting in the essential goodness of the universe to provide and allowing myself to enjoy the journey.  This Fool is banging her own drum and setting off with a song in her heart.  I hear her telling me "Don't worry - be happy" and she makes me smile.  I've felt I've been stalled in a starting-over position for a long time now... and yet, here she is, without fear, saying that it's a new day now, and it's a fine one in which to begin.

If I'm not worrying about emergencies and looking for the pitfalls I can enjoy the adventure of each day and see 'starting over' as a promise, not a threat.

The consecration of the first loaf of bread. How can you be grateful? Whom can you thank for his support through the last time?

10 of Coins

This is set in a walled-in garden filled with people - there is a woman reading, another plucking gold coins  from a tree into a basket on the ground, a third scooping water from a trough, and a fourth playing an instrument of some kind with a small child dressed in white.  Dogs are lazing in the grass among the people and a bird is singing in the foreground.

The overall sense here is of a productive yet pleasant domestic life filled with contented people.  I see the  elements hiding in the activities of these people... the coin tree representing Coins, the water trough for Water, the musical instrument for Fire (creative inspiration) and the book for Air (mental concerns).  There is wholeness and community in this setting.

And oh yes, I am very grateful for my family and we are whole and stable in a way that fills me with thanks.  My children are happy and we are peaceful together.  My oldest daughter is about to come out for a visit with her children, and my second oldest has just had her third child... no matter what else, I can look over the span of generations that have followed mine and know that this is good and this is wealth beyond price.

Mother Earth. What can now come to rest? How can you settle down and prepare for the quieter seasons?

6 of Wands

A troupe of men in what might be hunters' clothing are riding on white horses to the  right of the card. They carry long leafy staves - one with a tapestry banner, others with long white banners with writing on them.  They appear to be calm but determined as they walk through thick brush.  The main rider seems to be looking out of the card at me from the corner of his eye but his companions have their eyes turned up and ahead in the direction they're traveling.

The 6 of Wands usually speaks of victory and accolades and is often depicted as a journey home after battle. There is something about this image, though, that looks to me as if they are setting out and that it's less of a serious battle they're heading toward than a recreational hunting expedition. 

Now, I'm no hunter, but in the era of the images that make up these cards, hunting was a sport for royalty or a serious necessity in order to feed one's family - here it looks like sport, and victory would come from proving oneself to ones peers... and reaping the reward of feasting later on the meat.

So...what can come to rest as I begin the cycle of the year that prepares for the quiet of winter?  The search for other people's approval (connecting this to the card before it)?  The impulse to compete (I don't think so.. I'm not a big fan of competition). 

I'm not entirely sure how to take this and part of that is a problem with the spread position - what can come to rest and how can I settle down and prepare for winter are two different things.

What can come to rest?... the hunt for acknowledgement and victory (that is, you have it, no need to keep looking).

How can I settle down and prepare for winter?  Take pleasure in the process of 'stocking your larder' and preparing for a time when activity may be low - like a squirrel storing away nuts. If you have to do it, might as well make a game of it.

That second interpretation makes better sense to me.

The sun. What should you enjoy now?

Page of Swords

A young man with dark curly hair is standing, right hand on hip and holding a long sword upright with his left and looking at it.  There's an air of confidence in his stance.  Behind him there is a cow jumping over his head (like the cow jumping over the moon), and a butterfly is flitting by below his sword.

The sky is full of large puffy clouds and he stands on a mound of green grass - below, in the distance, a large body of water meets a sandy shore and there are green hills behind him.

This page does not appear to be in a defensive stance - rather he seems to be examining his sword and is rather proud of it.  The cow and butterfly add a sense of playful imagination to the scene, which looks entirely peaceful other than the possible storm that might develop from those clouds.

What I can enjoy now is the imaginative exploration of ideas (such as Tarot!) - and I do, very much.  But what also comes to mind here is conversation with my children and friends, and that may be because I have been on the phone all day long today - with my daughters, my mother-in-law (her son is out of my life but thank goodness, 'nana' is still there), a friend of mine who lives a few hours away.  I talk to all of them occasionally, but rarely all on the same day, and each conversation was interesting and pleasant in its own way with little in the way of negative venting or unhappy topics.

I don't always enjoy too much talking all at once, but right now I truly am in a place that wants to connect to those I care about.  There's something about this that feels like healing and a repairing of some cracks in my connections.  Good stuff.

The season. What changes now?

Ace of Wands

A fiery golden angel with red wings, and a leafy wreath in her hair is kneeling on the ground, surrounded by flames.  She holds a leafy wand in her left hand and a white flower in her right, which she's raised to her face as if to smell it.  On the ground in front of her there is an open book and a candlestick.

Oh I do like seeing this.... perhaps that energy I've been searching for is finally due to arrive - a change in energy... new inspiration.  I'd like to catch fire in a way that doesn't immediately pass.

I really like that in the midst of all that flame and heat, this angel still is taking a moment to smell a flower... there's a nice little reminder there about sustained energy... don't forget to take a break now and then and slow down.  That right there might express the sort of change this card describes ... one where there is a more balanced understanding of how to use my energy so that it remains steady, instead of quick bursts and the need to recover, which just interrupts the flow of everything I try to do.  I'm going to contemplate this some more.

The Indian summer. What lies ahead of you?

The Star

A long haired young woman, nude other than a pair of sandals, holds two pitchers in her hands and is pouring out the right one.  She stands at the edge of a pool of water in which a small mer-man is swimming.  Some sort of sleek animal that also looks as if it might be partially human is curled up in a pile of leaves behind her and a well groomed fluffy white dog stands at her feet. A rabbit is leaping out of a bush behind the dog. Behind her is a lush pastoral scene... hills, a lake, and thatched cottages.  In the sky overhead, there are 8 stars, one of them slightly larger and radiating a single wide bewam down onto the landscape behind her.

There is an air of the fantastic with the creatures that surround this woman - is she in a place that is unreal or is there something about her that lets her connect with the unseen?  Either way, she seems to be blending this imaginative, visionary quality with the grounded 'normal' setting that surrounds her - she's open to these fantastic creatures and they respond to her... she's one of them.

I get this image of her clothes somewhere in a bundle nearby...and in a bit, she'll put them on and head home, into a life where no one knows what she sees when she's out gathering water - she takes this task and turns it into a miniature vacation into a strange and wonderful land full of 'imaginary friends'.

I really like this card - if the Star is about hope and faith this one is that faith that believes in what isn't seen - more than anything I see this as an opening up of the visionary aspect of working (playing) with Tarot and I'm delighted to end this reading with the promise of this to come.

Over all this has been a gentle and meandering reading and a very pleasant first look at this deck.

Mother's Day Reading

I wasn't expecting much of a Mother's Day (nor was that a disappointment - other than helping me with some chores, I really didn't want a big deal kind of day).  The kids have been sick and we're all sort of wandering around in mumbling 'bleah' these last couple days.

But I had a call from my 22 year old to start the day and then surprisingly, the two at home had a big bag full of goodies for me - candles, lip balm, a set of bags (ranging from makeup bag to fullsized tote), windchimes, and all sorts of other odds and ends that made me smile repeatedly.  (My favorite would be hard to choose but the mug that says "The best part of waking up is the first three pots of coffee." wins for biggest belly laugh.)

So, we're still all bleah and if I want the dishes done I'd better go do them, but that was really sweet and unexpected and I know it took them some work and thought to pull it all together.  I got good kids.

I want to close out my time with the Housewives Tarot with a reading for Mother's Day and chose this one from the Aeclectic Tarot.  I am a daughter, a mother and a grandmother and liked the way this focuses on the legacy of motherhood that comes from the past and the way it is passed onto the future.  We are links in a chain.  I modified it a bit expanding it to include my grandmother and grandchildren.

What have I inherited from my grandmothers?
XVII: The Star

I didn't have a close relationship with either of my grandmothers and most of what I know of them comes from family legend and hints of stories never fully told.  My father's mother passed away a few months before I was born, and from all accounts, she was a firecracker and a bit of a renegade.  I'm not honestly sure how much traditional mothering she offered... I get the idea that my dad pretty much fended for himself... but he had a fierce love for her that brooked no criticism.  What I do think I get about who she was was that she saw what wasn't there often...  always looked beyond her situation and searched for hope for better things.  She wasn't always practical about making it so, but she had a vision that it might be possible.  The Star here speaks well to that.

My mother's mother was an occasional visitor in my life, and I liked her very much - she also had a very difficult life and seemed to bloom in her old age after she became a widow.  The things I remember about her were her fondness for soap operas and the color purple (I share her fondness for purple and don't watch soaps, though I do think of her whenever someone tries to explain an intricate plot to me, having mastered the art of smiling and nodding when she'd 'catch me up' on the doings of her imaginary TV friends) and a trip I took with her on the bus to the mall when I was about 12... she knew the bus driver, the fellow passengers and what seemed like every single worker in the mall - their names, their families, the gossip of their lives, and to each one, she beamingly introduced me as her granddaughter from out of town.  Gramma really liked people and was fearless about getting out where she could get to know them.  This is also the Star ... she had a way of making everyone feel like a Star in her world, like a major actor in a living drama there for her enjoyment and appreciation.  She, too, had a way of seeing beyond the ordinariness of the ordinary and making it something special.

I like thinking I've perhaps inherited this gift from each of them... I know it's a trait that sometimes caused their own children, my parents, some concern (much legitimate) and embarrassment, but I like thinking I've got a touch of it in me as well.

What have I inherited from my mother?
XIII: Death

This is sad, but true.  There is an intergenerational 'thing' in my family that makes us completely lose contact once we've hit adulthood... the extended family is very fragmented and uncommunicative and it's not anyone's fault... or everyone's fault.  But this is the reality - my parents and I have not spoken in years and I've given up hope that we ever will, and it's not that we're officially Not Talking... we just don't. (That used to hurt a lot, but I've let it go.. it just is what it is.)  She rarely spoke with her own mother for reasons I'm not clear on, and this has already slipped into the next generation - my oldest daughter and I have not communicated in a long while and we both have compelling reasons/excuses for not pursuing it.  (On the other hand, her younger sister, also grown, stays in close contact with me, and I don't know if my mom stays in better touch with my sisters - I know her mother was in much more frequent contact with my mother's sister, who lived locally to her)

This is a sad legacy - while in one sense, I acknowledge that one's family aren't always composed of the people who understand you best or who are the people you'd voluntarily elect to socialize with if they weren't family, it starts feeling a lot less like a choice than a legacy when you see it happening repeatedly in one family.  There is something about us that doesn't seem to sustain the parent/child relationship past the point where the child is dependent on the parent for care.

And if you'd asked me what the best thing I'd learned from my mother, I'd say that it was independence... so it's not all bad.  But somehow we never found a good replacement for that dependent type relationship and so just let it go.  And I feel guilty and a bit lost that I seem to have passed that on without meaning to.  I am very hopeful that it will not play out this way with my other children.

What aspect of motherhood am I learning now?
7 of Pentacles

This card shows a woman watering a tree that is heavy with Pentacle fruit, surrounded by flowering bushes.  She's smiling at her bounty and carries a basket of cuttings.  This does speak well to where I am now... my 'baby' is nearly 15 and the biggest hands-on aspects of mothering are behind me... now I am at a stage where I can see my children developing into the adults they are becoming and by and large I very much like what I see - I'm at a place where, other than some maintenance work, I can be more of an observer and trust that their growth is going well.

It is a much more peaceful aspect of motherhood for me than it was in their earlier years, and also more trusting of the process than I was when my older girls were teens - I've now seen that over time things do work out... they do grow and mature over time and it's much easier to enjoy the stages than it was when I was less experienced.  It's no lie.. the more kids you have, the easier it gets, not harder, and that has to do with getting more aligned with the stages and development over time of the children in our hearts.  I really like the image on this card - it says 'life is good. stop and take time to enjoy it.'

What legacy am I passing onto my daughters as they become mothers?

4 of Swords

I hope this is true.. this card shows a woman taking time out for some self-care and this is something I often forgot when they were younger... as much as I didn't want to, I often got into a rut of martyring my needs for theirs, to the benefit of no one.  The 4 of Swords is a reminder that taking care of oneself is also a way of caring for others... not only because a tired, burnt out mother is not a very good mother, but because by taking care of our own wellbeing, we are teaching our children to value themselves as well.  It is my hope that as my daughters become parents, they will never lose themselves to the role or make the mistake of thinking that non-stop sacrifice is what makes for a good mother. Children want their parents to be happy and well cared for too, and it's good for them to see that it's possible to be a caregiver to others without losing the ability to care for oneself as well.

What legacy can I pass onto my grandchildren?

9 of Cups

Hah! And here it is again.. the 9 of Cups.  And an interesting version too ... here it shows a couple under a Christmas tree opening gifts, while 9 silver goblets hover overhead.  There's something about this card that indicates that my relationship to my grandchildren - none of whom are local to me - can best come by being the keeper of special occasions and traditions... those moments where we are most likely to get what we 'wish' for, but beyond sending them a pony or a drum set (hee!), I see this as a part of what I never really had and wanted from my own grandparents... the stories, the history... the family traditions that put structure into the mix and holds an extended family together across time, generation, and distance.  This makes me want to provide my grandchildren with those stories of their own parents, and me, and my parents and grandparents.. to be the gateway to the wider family they can't know other than through story and recipes and customs.  I want to be more mindful of my role here... this feels important.

Happy mothers day to all the mothers and the children of mothers... nurture one another and yourselves. And man... go wash the dishes for her, ok?

New Moon in Taurus Reading

Before I put the Goddess Tarot away, I wanted to do a reading with it.  I totally neglected to observe Beltane last week, but today the New Moon in Taurus is here, and with that brings up issues of security, comfort and abundance... and it so happens that Christine Jette's Beltane spread (The May Queen) is devoted to those concerns.

Safety
VIII - Justice
This was the card I drew yesterday and it speaks well to the way I draw a sense of safety to myself - the ability to analyse and understand a potentially unsafe situation, and pool resources in a way so that no one person is left to take the hit alone is the primary way I currently find safety in an otherwise precarious life. 

In terms of where this points me this next month, I will want to focus on establishing my safety by not living in ignorance of what is going on - the more I understand, the safer I am, and that means looking into a few paperwork details I've been procrastinating about, mainly because I've been afraid of finding out something negative I can't deal with.  Pretty dumb - I can't deal with what I don't know about, either.

Abundance
6 of Swords
Currently, my sense of abundance springs less from having and more from experiencing life as a progression toward stability.  It matters less where I am at the moment than which direction I'm heading.  There's a sense of intention about this card - not giving up but taking one's ideas and moving them to a more favorable place in which to use them.  I am taking babysteps right now toward a sense of abundance, and have done quite a bit of alteration in my thinking about what makes up 'abundance'... and this is the key thing I've realized.  It's not so much a goal to be reached as a journey to be taken, and it requires getting some focus on what is important to retain and what is best left behind. "Tis a gift to be simple" comes to mind here.

In terms of where this points me this next month, I believe the I need to do some sorting of my 'stuff', material as well as my ideas about abundance and do some releasing of those things that are no longer serving me... travel lighter but start looking ahead.  I need to do some spring cleaning in earnest in my home, get rid of things that are holding me back from abundance (clutter is not a sign of abundance! It's a sign of fear of loss!) and leave some room in the boat for those  things that truly make me feel prosperous.  I also need to sit down and do some regrouping on my financial plan and make sure that I'm not lugging along baggage I don't need merely out of habit.

Regeneration
XVI - Oppression
This is an odd image for the Tower card - it depicts the Wawalak, which is described in the LWB as Australian aboriginal goddesses who are swallowed whole by the Great Rainbow Serpent and are 'oppressed by darkness' until they are reborn back into the light.  The Tower (and Chariot) is my Life Purpose card so I've gotten used to... so the message here is as it involves regeneration is that those dark moments where everything seems to be falling apart are a necessary part of growth for me - they serve a purpose however unsettling it seems at the time. 

I feel much less these days as if I'm living in an eternally falling Tower (or belly of a giant snake), but moments like the car breaking down just as I thought I'd get a bit in front of expenses felt that way... but only briefly.  And ultimately, having it go allowed us to know it needed to be fixed, so that's a bit of regeneration right there, isn't it?  If the belt hadn't gone, we might not have realized the problem with the water pump, and I think that might have led to a much worse situation down the road.

In terms of where this points me this next month, I think this feeds into what else this reading has pointed to - I need to be open to experiencing sudden alterations in my plans and habits as opportunities for revelation that can lead to freedom from oppression.  This version of the card depicts the moment before that breakthrough where things seem stagnate and hopeless... the Tower isn't a fortress that protects, it's a prison.  Remembering that, I can try to see upheavals as birth-pangs leading to regeneration and a new outlook that opens the path to greater freedom.

Love
7 of Pentacles
In terms of my primary relationships, things are steady and developing - there is slow, organic growth here and not much going on on the surface... things on on cruise and neither need or would be helped by a lot of hands on fiddling.

This is a simple Taurean 'don't fix it if it ain't broke' idea and a reminder to relax and enjoy things as they are without rushing to make it something else.  The 7 also speaks about taking time out to appreciate the value of my relationships and not mistake peace for stagnation.

In terms of where this points me this next month, I will make sure to show my appreciation often and not wait for big events to spur me to remember to say thank you and I love you to those in my life.

Future
9 of Pentacles
And here's a nice vision for the future.. a woman who is stable, happy and independent.  As I deal with prosperity and comfort related issues this month, I will hold this image in mind and remember that this is where I am wanting to be.  Each step toward it is a step in the right direction.

In terms of where this points me this next month, I will devote some time to doing what I mentioned above, keeping in mind the bigger picture and ultimate goal.  I'll work to eliminate dependence on those things that don't lead me to this happy domestic stability, and again, appreciate each step along the way.

In practical terms, I want to spend this month eliminating clutter, realigning my spending to what creates a stable, welcoming home, devote more time to meal planning that targets cost savings, nutrition and aesthetics (finding enjoyable 'comfort meals') and working to simplify our living habits in such a way that we alter our views on what abundance is - not more, but more enjoyment with less.  And I want to make these changes not to ride out a tight time, but to create new habits that will take us into the future feeling secure and prosperous without being utterly dependent on money to do so.

April Full Moon Spread

Spread: Full Moon Spread, from Tarot for all Seasons, Christine Jette

Q: How can I best develop my relationship with Tarot right now?

1. Relationships
Knight of Cups

What you need to know now about developing your potential in relationship to others.  The truth of current relationships, be they lover, coworker, family or friend.

Here is a reminder to focus on the emotional connections of those I read for - not lose sight of the emotional force of their situations, or fail to be mindful of my own emotional responses. Feelings are not irrelevent!  Keeping empathy and compassion (without drowning in someone else's emotional sea) keeps readings from becoming judgemental - everyone's situation is important to them.  I had one huge reading failure nearly a year ago that continues to haunt me and where I failed was right here - I got to a place where I couldn't at all relate to what it was she wanted and also got very emotionally heated myself over her intentions.  I should have stopped - should have just acknowledged that those were barriers so large that she needed to find a different reader.  Instead I kept plugging and didn't do right by her, didn't do right by me, and way overstepped my boundaries, as she was coming to me for a reading, not an outraged lecture.  In hindsight, I believe she needs a therapist not a tarot reader (she's shopped around far and wide and tends to burn through them).  So part of this watching out for emotional vampires and part is about approaching the reading with compassion and empathy, and where that's not possible, stepping out rather than proceeding from a place of noncompassion and lack of empathy.

2. The Power of Choice
3 - The Empress

What decision needs to be made now to fully express your potential? What will free your creativity?

The Empress is pure creative energy - she gives birth to things, which means allowing the catalyst of conception, and then letting the process develop while nurturing it and myself until the right time for it to be born.  What is my decision here?  I need to choose to commit myself to the development of my creative potential - and what will free it will be patience, a healthy environment for expression and valuing the process.

The decision I've been contemplating (without deciding to commit) that comes to mind has to do with an SL project I think I want to do but am unsure if I want to devote the long haul commitment to stay with it.  Basically, I want to create tableaus for each of the cards (a few at a time), where a person can 'step into' the card, contemplate it...snap a picture and create their own personal deck over time, with notecards of information about each card.  A sort of virtual interactive living deck.  The sticking point is the commitment factor - I don't want to start this and then abort it.

I think this is telling me that a relaxed pace, one step at a time and let it develop rather than trying to see the whole thing is the way to go.  As a parent, I commit to the lifetime of my child, but I needn't be sure I can see the adult that child will become before choosing to commit and nurture the baby.

3. Manifesting Goals
Knight of Swords

What action do you need to take on a physical plane to reinforce your magical workings? What can you do in the mundane world to support your spirit's desire?

Remembering that with this deck, Swords are fire, this suggests focusing on goals and taking action to manifest them.  Simply, the action I need to take is... to act!  Which sounds simplistic in the extreme, but very apt for me - I can plan and research and analyze things forever with a grin on my face, but taking that first step (or not distracting myself away after four or five steps) is haaard.  Focus and do, baby.. focus and do.  I need to set some specific intentions for my progress, with concrete steps attached for working toward them.

4. Creativity
10 of Swords, rx

The Mother has given you talents, abilities, and gifts.  What must you do to fully express them? If you don't like this card, it is because the card shows blocks that you need to address before you can realize your full creative gifts.

Hi, Mom... thanks for the gift..that bloody dead dragon goes so well with my sofa...
heh.

Ok, what's up here... this card is melodramatic - do I have a melodramatic flair? sometimes, yes - so using that ability creatively, eh?  Actually... I do do that purposefully sometimes - show things taken to their ridiculous worst to get perspective on how it is.  It is a way of breaking past filters by letting them speak.  "Now that we've got that out of the way, lets look at this again..."

The other thing this says - and it ties to what I mentioned above - this card speaks of being able to stay with an plan to its conclusion - full and thorough analysis.  Not so positive when  it's beating a dead horse (or slaying a dead dragon), but it does have merit if you don't want to miss anything important. 

So to fully express my talents, I need to utilize my analytical skills (and know when to stop), and express my conclusions with some performance art skills that let them hook into what's being said and maybe laugh at themselves a bit?

(oops, couldn't make the mental switch to Swords as Fire there... but I'm leaving it)

5. Protection
5 - High Priest

Shows where you need to establish personal boundaries so you do not give your power away. What do you need to protect?

The High Priest represents traditional authority and ethics - and this is very timely.  I've begun doing readings with LivePerson/Kasamba, and it's an environment that is quite a bit different than I'm used to - people are less inclined to want to talk through the process and often very big on 'just tell me what will happen', as if the answer isn't 'well, doesn't that depend on what you decide to make happen?' 

So, I've been scrambling to really firm up my own sense of what can I read about with integrity, and which questions really need to go to someone more predictive-oriented.  I need to set these boundaries for myself if I want to draw the sort of client I prefer in rather than go for the masses and wind up hating it.  While I am very happy to have the ability to earn some money from this in a regular way, money isn't *the* reason for doing it.  In an industry that is rife with bad reputation, sometimes justified, I have to be rock solid for myself that I'm offering the sort of readings that I believe will provide help to those open to helping themselves, not be a collaborator in confirming live as something that just keeps happening to you for people who don't see their own power.

I expect I'll be doing a lot of adjusting and boundary setting (and moving and resetting), so getting to work in this setting is going to be very, very good for me.  I just want to make sure that I'm good for those I read for.

6. Psychic Gifts
Knight of Wands

How can you best develop your intuition? If this is a court card, it suggests the appearance of a teacher, guide or mentor.

And yet a third Knight - focused intent, this time in the realm of air - I love how the dragonrider is soaring upwards into the Moon.  Thought applied to intuition and the intuition soars.  I think this is about making connections out of impressions... develop the intuition by study and putting it together and being able to articulate it.

In terms of finding a mentor, I seek many - discussions with others studying Tarot, looking for examples of Tarot concepts in non-tarot related literature.  I would love to be able to study more formally, and while that's not something I can currently budget for, I may do well to start consciously saving up so that I can.

7. Blessings and Spiritual Direction
10 of Pentacles

The Mother wants you to celebrate the joy of being alive.  What do you have to be thankful for? How can you best express the Goddess in you?

Lovely final card - in spite of feeling as if life is rather precarious right now, if I honestly and thankfully look at it overall, I have a firm foundation, feel secure, and see all that I've brought with me from the past as a legacy that has led to a place where life is, at its core, good.  I am with my children and we love one another - my daughter told me the other day that I'm her best friend (!), we have the basic requirements of life met - shelter, warmth, food, and those are secure.  And having been through times of real lack, and real stress and insecurity, I know the difference.  I wouldn't trade my life today for what it was a few years ago, even though I had more 'stuff' and money then.  It came with despair and stress and waking up every day wondering how I'd be made to feel small again.

When I read for people who are stuck and afraid to give up the crumbs they have for the freedom to not be in abusive, belittling situations, I can draw on my own experience and know, confidently, that once you get over that hurdle, life gets better.  And it's much easier to find a path to material stability when you're not feeling powerless that it is to gain a sincere sense of power simply by holding onto material stablity.  Power means being able to see options for improvement and a sense of yourself as deserving and capable of making them.

I am grateful that I've experienced stuff without power and power without stuff, so I know which matters more.

New Moon in Aries Reading

This entry will be growing as I work on it.

Tonight is this year's Aries New Moon... a time to look at self-identity and to initiate growing independence throughout the year.

I've a spread that's been stored in my copy of Orphalese that  I've been wanting to try for awhile - unfortunately, it's listed as only having come from 'shari' so i can't properly credit it.  However, the notes included mention that this is inspired by Gail Woods' "Rituals of the Dark Moon: 13 Lunar Rites for a Magical Path" which highlights a different aspect for each phase of the Moon (making a distinction between the Dark Moon and the New Moon).  I think it makes for an elegant and rich spread for inner exploration.  Because of how in-depth this reading is, I want to take my time here, so this entry will build slowly while I work through it.

Here is the spread and the cards I've drawn, asking "What do I need to know in order to begin a path toward a balanced state of independence?".  I'll be leaving these cards up this next month where I can look at it and switching decks after today:

x x x 1 x x x
x 8 x x x 2 x
7 x x 9 x x 3
x 6 x x x 4 x
x x x 5 x x x

1. New Moon - Maiden - Emerge
What is emerging right now in your life. You may just be feeling this, it has not yet actually come fully into your conscience.

Ace of Swords

The Ace of Swords speaks of potential mental energy or opportunities - with this in the 'emerging' position it makes me think that this next month will be one when I will be able to start conceiving of an educational path for myself.  And in fact, I've got a couple of education-related things to check on (regarding possibilities that, until last weekend I was positive where a dead issue - they've just resurrected as a possibility), just to get a handle on where I am now.  I am hopeful this Ace is pointing toward a positive outlook for getting started there, but that sheath is also reminding me to be cautious - don't invest too heavily mentally or emotionally until I've got that preliminary research taken care of.

2. Waxing Crescent Moon - Amazon - Champion
What you feel passionate about. This is something you are willing to fight for, or something you are fighting (for).

Queen of Wands

Here, I'm looking at aspects of identity - I'm passionate about who I am...passionate about being passionate about what it is I'm passionate about. (hah.. had to get that loop-de-loop bunch of words out of my head there...)

Honestly, I've not been experiencing much fire in my life lately - this winter really took a toll on my physically and my energy and enthusiasm has been very low - physically and sexually, I've almost been in hibernation.  "Good" has been defined as calm and stationary... after the chaos of last year (moving, divorcing, financial changes for the worse, and health problems all slamming into me at the same time), fire has gotten tied into painful trauma for me. 

I see... I need to be willing to fight for some renewed energy and joy for myself... I need to reconnect to sexual desire without being afraid of whether or not I'll get burned.  I need to have dreams and goals I'm willing to work for without procrastinating because I'm afraid it won't work out.  I need to fight, simply put, for my life.

This idea shouldn't scare me, but as I type this I am feeling nervous and almost teary.  But this Queen is in me... she can help me here.  I have to just let her out.

 

3. 1st Quarter Moon - Lover - Integrate

This is something that you are trying to integrate into you life. It may feel like it doesn't belong, but it will fit if you choose to work at it. It will require a choice and desire.

XVI: The Tower

Heh.  Got to love it when a reading has a sense of humor.  All that I described above... that was my Tower year.  Everything that I built up around me fell apart.  And what I've been doing since is trying to recover from it, mostly by crawling away and making myself and my life very small in order to manage a life out of the rubble.

And I have to not get past all that, but to integrate it? To love it?  This one is going to take a lot more thought to process because yes, it totally feels like it doesn't belong - I am getting better about not thinking 'this shouldn't have happened this way' but I do still think that.  But it did happen, and my life now isn't a false life based on a wrong series of events that never should have happened... this is what is.  Who I am for the rest of my life is rooted in large part on all of that... so I suppose I might as well embrace it and look for what positive meaning it all has for me.

What, in general, can I embrace about the Tower?  It is the destroyer of illusion and false confidence.  The lightning doesn't just zap the tower from without... in this image it looks like the light inside is bursting out.  There are things within me that could never show themselves if the Tower hadn't been burst open.  I can embrace the catalyst for that emergence.

Definitely, bears some more contemplation on this.

 

4. Gibbous Moon - Priestess - Initiate
This is where you are spiritually. It is what you are learning about yourself that is spiritually connected to your current path. 

 XIX: The Sun

I don't often get the Sun card in readings for myself - this is a bit of a surprise! And this particular one is very appealing... the sun, the solar system around it, and the wheel of the Zodiac. 

My relationship with spirituality... my beliefs... tend toward a very freeform pagan humanism.  I believe we're a part of the universe, and connected by it.  I acknowledge cycles of time... the turning of the seasons.. because they root us and show growth and movement of each of us as individuals and collectively.  I get much more spiritually out of watching a sunrise or looking through a telescope than I ever would communing together in any overt spiritual setting, and I don't worry about 'belief' as the marker for how I'm doing.  Things are either in alignment with me or they aren't.  That is not at all well articulated but I'll remember what I meant when I read that back later.

So this sun card ... that's what it calls to me.  Everything is in its place, and it all works together - each planet, each star, each house on the wheel is separate and individual... they've got their own paths, their own quirks... but they're held together by a greater whole.  They each turn on their axis, and around the sun... and the sun itself is wheeling around the galaxy, which is wheeling around the universe.  We're each turning in multiple ways, alone and together, every second of our life.  Spirituality, for me, is in becoming aware of the connections.  Respecting the individuality and uniqueness of everyone and everything, while not mistaking it for solitariness.  We're all in this together.

Generally, the Sun is about clarity... about the grand light of truth and joy in the reality of it all.  Yes.  That's the summation of what aligns me spiritually - the cosmic YES to all that is.

5. Full Moon - Mother - Nurture
This is what you nurture in yourself as well as others. This is a part of who you are and you feel most complete when you allow yourself to express this.

9 of Cups

And here he is again - the happy bartender who has prepared all that he wishes to surround himself with and is prepared and eager to share it.  Nurturing myself means letting myself acknowledge my own wishes, making them happen, and sharing the bounty with those around me.  This is how I can best care for myself and others.

I love the sense of this - that looking after my own dreams isn't taking from those in my life - it's the first step to being able to nurture and care for others.  Before you can have something to give, you first have to gather it together for yourself.

So the short message here - focus on manifesting what makes me happy... take care of myself.  In doing so, I'll be better able to take care of those I love.  I've seen the truth in that time and again... good reminder here.

6. Disseminating Moon - Teacher - Share
This is what you know, and may choose to share with others. It is something you have a gift for, and have knowledge to share.

VIII: Strength

And here is another reminder of something I know but haven't felt... all that I've been through has made me strong and much more compassionate for the weaknesses and wildnessness of others.  I can honestly say that I think I've a better person for having been knocked out of that Tower...still healing, but I have discovered reserves of adaptibility and courage I didn't know I had.

I love the way this card shows the lion and the woman walking together, side by side.  Neither is attempting to control or lead the other - they move together.  For me, the lion often represents both the best parts of us and the parts that are so untamed that we feel we need to hide it, cage it, control it.  One of the best things that happened to me as a result of my divorce is that who I am inside - my inner lion - can show itself openly in my house without having to have a conversation defending it to someone who was by turns contemptuous and afraid of that aspect of me.  I don't wake up everyday wondering how my core self will get beat down today, or how I may need to hide it - do the beating down myself pre-emptively.  And the strange and wonderful part?  Let out openly, I am much more gentle than when I was trying to control it rather than walk with it.  The lion needs freedom in order for the woman to not have to have to operate in a controlling way.

So this is something I can share?  That's an interesting though - that having learned this, I can possibly help others to not be afraid to let their inner lion out as well.

My goodness... this sunny lion, the sun, the Queen of Wands... there are all sorts of fiery and light-filled messages in this reading, aren't there?

7. Last Quarter Moon - Elder - Seek
This is what you are seeking. It is something you have wanted to learn about/or do for a while. It is important for you to follow this desire.

5 of Wands

What an interesting card as something I'm seeking!  Strife? no...  Competition? no... if anything, I try harder than I should to avoid being in competitive situations.  Joy in the battle - maybe that.  Yes... I think so.  Seeking pleasure in overcoming my challenges, facing them with a big fierce grin on my face.  And why not? They're there whether I cower or engage in the battle... might as well have fun while I'm doing it.

The other thing this card so often means for me, and I think this also applies here, is the notion of jockeying for position...finding one's place in the scheme of things.  And that rings very true... I've lost my sense of place - of where I fit in with the world.  Yes.  I need to look for that place and be willing to engage in the battle to step into it, not just wait for it to happen.  I am seeking a sense of purpose that is only mine to fill, and courage (and joy!) in occupying that turf.

I think this is telling me to look at getting back into the world in a meaningful way - I've been sidelining myself for long enough.

8. Balsamic Moon - Crone - Release
It is time to release what this is showing. This will show something you may feel you need, however it is no longer necessary or useful in your life. The time has come to let it go.

0: The Fool

Release the Fool?? Nooo!

Hmm... ok, what is the Fool?  Potential... the 'soul' before it's stepped into the stream of life... 'in the world but not of it'...  The Fool is playful innocence, can be gullible and overly trusting, ignoring pitfalls and dangers and doesn't think about where she's going... just moseying along through life, taking what comes.  The Fool can also be a trickster, playing practical jokes or being funny to just to enjoy reactions... the Fool can also be the butt of a joke, clowning by taking pratfalls and not worrying what others think.

Hmm... taking pratfalls. ouch.  I think that's it.  I have been poised... lots of potential, but no manifestation... hovering on the edge of that cliff, absolutely sure that life is ready to hand me yet another banana peel to slip on, another football to yank out from under me just as I go for it.  As long as I stay poised, the fall doesn't happen.  Nothing else  happens either.  I think maybe I need to release that  inner certainty that some unseen Prankster is going to turn anything I reach out for to dust and laugh at me for trying. (wow, didn't know I did think that, but boy did that ring true).

It's not that I need to release the Fool's faith or willingness to just Be - I need to release the sense of myself as the world's clown, and start expecting that if I apply my own conscious will to things, I can direct the outcome.  Not just wait for the next Kick Me sign to be planted on my back.

9. Dark Moon - Weaver - Truth
This is the truth of where you are right now, it is your Truth. It may be hidden from you, or you may keep it hidden from others. Through acknowledging this and bringing it into your life you clear the way to further development.

Page of Cups

And so here at the end of the reading, we come back to a court card - an aspect of who I am.  I had a houseguest today so delayed in writing this, and throughout the day it was on my mind, mulling.

The truth of where I am right now is that I am just beginning to trust that I can reconnect with others and allow myself to be vulnerable and open to them.  And this is indeed the truth - on the outside, I'm the Queen of Swords and trying to latch into the Queen of Wands.. on the outside I'm 'strong' and tough and mature (a word applied to me that I often think is well overstated.

Inside? I'm a child who has been through a lot that hurt me more than I dare admit - and I keep a good hard shell around me to try to make sure it won't ever happen again.  Inside? Blue jello with gummy fish. There have been times when this child within me shames me...so sensitive, so needy for a hug... but I'm moving past that.  This page is also what lets me care about others - to be very specific, the Page of Cups is who I access when I read Tarot for others and for myself - it's where the imagination and playfulness I use to understand them comes from and it's where the compassion I feel for those seeking guidance is born. 

I know there's more to this than what it means in my relationship to the cards, but that's what's striking me tonight... as I read for others and draw out their own tender, sensitive Page of Cups - create a safe place for that vulnerable person to dare show itself, i'm learning to do it for myself as well.  Learning that I can ask for love and trust it to be given. Learning that I can dream and not be scolded or told to grow up and put away my dreams.

It's a huge lesson...huge.  In so many ways, I'm starting over again, emotionally and I feel as if I'm a big sister walking beside my younger inner self and telling her it's ok.  It's ok to love and to be loved... it's ok to have imaginary friends and want to be happy.  So simple, but I didn't know this for a long, long time.

 

Easter Egg Spread

My friend R came down for the weekend, to share her birthday with us yesterday and Easter today - the weekend has been a pleasant bubble, suspended outside all the realities we'll have to deal with come tomorrow and for the most part (other than eruptions of the sort that happen all the time in this rowdy family) it was pleasant and sociable.

My older daughter, J, made her a cake and last night we colored eggs - J insisting she didn't want to, and then sitting at the table with us and doing her share.  My younger daughter, D, worked carefully on hers, doing a sort of spongepainting thing that made the eggs look tie dyed.

Later, after everyone went to bed, I did Easter basket duties - along with the required candy and plastic eggs full of jelly beans, I tucked in bead bracelets for each of them, a sequined scarf-belt, a couple small craft items and next to their baskets I set a larger item - for J, a set of 10 fancy-border scissors for scrapbooking, and for D, a mini sewing machine, because she's been doing a lot of recycling of her worn out clothing into purses and bags and doing it all by hand. (That little machine was only $20 and she's been having a blast all day with it)

We had a thought this morning that she might want to hunt eggs, but she decided not to (age 12, right on the cusp between childhood and teen and neither we nor she knows which side of that cusp she might be on at any given moment), so the eggs decorated the coffee table for just a short while before they got turned into deviled eggs.

anyway... it was a welcome bit of fun and I after my friend left to make the four hour trip home, I started noodling around with a spread that reminded me of the fun parts of Easter, and the following is what I came up with.  It's not meant to be taken too seriously - just a bit of happy fluff to bring a smile.

Easter Egg Spread

The cards should be arrange to resemble an Easter Egg, with the final card placed in the center:

-------1-------
----2-----3----
-------8-------
---4-------5---
-----6---7-----

Deck Used: Housewives Tarot (via Orphalese - I wanted something whimsical for this reading)

1. Coloring your eggs. - How do you create beauty, joy and  hope in your life?

XIV: Temperance
An electric mixer with mixing bowl, full of fluffy pink.  Surrounding it are four boxes of ingredients, labeled: New Joy - Happiness by the Spoonful, Justice Seasoning, Instant Anger, and Sorrow.

Keywords: "Cooperation * Compromise * Sympathy"
I like the way this card points out that temperance doesn't reject or eliminate anger and sorrow - it combines them with justice and joy to create something tasty.  I 'decorate my eggs' by honoring all aspects of my life, including the negative parts, and dealing with them justly and with joy.

(In spite of the badness of Friday and what is coming in the next few days, this weekend truly was joyful - maybe not even in spite of, but because of.  We don't have to let our anger and sorrow take over even if we can't keep it away right now.)

This was our last holiday together spent as an intact family.  I expect we will have other holidays all together, but not in the same way.  Letting ourselves celebrate that togetherness, even in its passing, was a worthy thing to do.

2. What are you looking for? - What Easter Eggs are hidden from you now?

I: The Magician

A slick salesman in a plaid jacket is smiling and holding his left hand up to display a shiny new front loading washing machine.  His right hand is hidden in his jacket pocket.  In the background, a suburban neighborhood of brick houses and trees is visible.

Keywords: "Illusions * Deception * Charm"

Am I looking for a sales-pitch?  I don't think so... and this connotation is exactly what always makes me uncomfortable with The Magician.  I'll be starting a close examination of The Magician card tomorrow and spend the next couple weeks trying to understand this card better.

Maybe that's all this is about - the positive side of The Magician card is currently hidden from me, and I will need to spend time looking for it.  I think I need to access its strengths (and resist the con-artist aspects of it), and to do that I need to come to terms with it.  I am also going to need to be on sharp lookout against kidding myself with plans and proposed solutions that seem too good to be true, because they probably are.

3. How can you find them? - What do you need to do to uncover them?

Page of Cups

A young boy in red and white striped pajamas and a blue and white paper crown is sprinkling water on a trio of flowers.  The flowers have yellow petals like daisies, but the center of them are faces.  The roots of the flowers are heart-shaped.

Keywords: "Cultivation * Growth * Nurture"
To access an understanding of the traits of the Magician, I am going to need to nurture and water my relationships with others and myself - the key to my ability to use my personal tools in order to manifest my will is always going to be through caring for the emotional growth of myself and those around me.  This isn't news, but I've never thought of it as a power-supply source.  I am going to have to think on this one some more.

4. What's in your basket. - What sweet things have you been given?

Page of Wands

A young boy with a brown paper crown and a cowboy outfit is riding a hobby horse made of a red sponge-mop.  He has a pair of toy guns, one holstered and one in his left hand.  His face is smiling and mischievous and his gaze is looking upward and to the left.

"Imagination * Fun-Loving * Creativity
My sweet treat for the day was indeed the creativity and fun shared with my children and friend, coloring eggs, creating Easter baskets full of goodies that would surprise and appeal to them.  This carried me through what could have been a grim and heartbreaking weekend.

No matter how difficult the weeks and months ahead might get, my children and my ability to enjoy time spent with them will be the biggest thing that sees me through.

5. What will you share? - What good thing from your basket are you willing to share with someone else?

8 of Wands

A dark-haired womon in a blue shirt nd brown capris is riding on a broom through a cloudy sky.  Flying through the air with her are seven other handled cleaning objects - brushes, mops, carpet sweepers, a feather duster, etc.

"Travel * Flight * Growth
I am traveling quickly into my future and it certainly will be a growth experience (she said ruefully) - it's not much occurred to me that this is something I even can share with anyone else, and yet, it is, isn't it?  I have my circle of friends - the people who love me - and I can, and should make sure I let them come along for the ride.

6. Easter grass. - What is the foundation that keeps your gifts from harm?

Knight of Wands

An older boy in jeans and a blue striped t-shirt is riding a red bike.  He is wearing a silver pot on his head for a helmet and wielding a red plunger as if it were a lance.  His expression is determined and intent.  The background is a nondescript beige.

"Exuberance * Mischief * Loyalty
I can keep my gifts (my ability to enjoy time spent with my kids and my friends and to nurture those relationships instead of seeing this time as simply the loss of my relationship with my husband) by...well, by lightening up and not making the mistake of taking everything so seriously that I forget how to have fun and be playful (and yes, that includes a bit of mischievous fun).  That right there is now I can stay loyal to those who have remained loyal to me.  While there is likely to still be some grieving left to do, if I don't turn my life into a tragedy, I can come out of this without permanent harm, to myself or to my children.

7. Rotten Egg? - What's stinking up your life that you need to find and discard?

XVIII: The Moon

A woman in a pink nightgown is sleeping peacefully on a bare, blue-striped mattress.  Shadowy sheep are jumping in an arc in front of her.  A pink calendar is above her on the left of the card, and a pink-lidded jar of cold cream is above on the left.  A very large, smiling yellow moon occupies the center of the card and the background is deep blue cloth with stitched stars and thin, puffy clouds holding up the calendar and the moon.

"Instinct * Intution * Dreams
Interesting - I rarely see the Moon card as anything negative, but in this position this might have to do with the illusion and confusion aspect of this card.  I need to discard any clinging I am doing to my personal nightmares, to seeing what's happening (or my husband himself) through a paranoid or unduly harsh filter.  Hanging onto my fears about the situation really will start to stink if I don't get rid of them - the tendency to see myself as a wronged victim will take away my personal power and my ability to recover from this.

I see, I think.  I need to let go of seeing him as someone in power over me and consciously acting with intent and hurt.  There has been intentional hurt, but it's come from his own fears and perception of himself as without power (why else fight so hard to exert it in negative ways? He's acting as if he's in a life and death battle).  The quicker I can accept and forgive what he wasn't able to do, the quicker I will stop hurting.

Not there yet. But trying. The calendar on the wall of this card tells me that time will heal... the cold cream is a soothing reminder to not worry so much, lest it give me wrinkles (hee).

8. What's ready to hatch? - What's preparing to come into your life?

V: The Hierophant

An old-fashioned, black and white console television displaying a test pattern (a circular shape with a sort of target in the middle of it, with smaller circles at the four corners - the smaller circles are divided into quarters) sits in the center of the card.  The background is an alligator skin textured beige.

Answers * Wisdom * Harsh Truths
Interesting - does this indicate that I may get some answers to the questions I have about all this?  That would be good.. I think.  The test pattern sort of resembles the wheel of fortune to me. 

At a more basic level, the Hierophant sometimes has to do with institutions and conventional philosophies - what is ready to 'hatch' is an encounter with a lawyer who (I hope) can give me some answers at the very least about how to go about this dissolution in a way that causes the least amount of pain and disruption to all of us. 

That TV test pattern used to show up when stations closed down for the night - this card is telling me it's almost time to call it a day.   But that's ok, because there's a new day coming.