Journey in 78 Steps

Lighthouse Spread and Reading

A couple weeks ago, someone on Aeclectic asked for a spread with a lighthouse theme - it's been awhile since I tried to create a structured spread, so I gave it a whirl and came up with this.

As I am about to enter what promises to be a very full month, I thought I'd try it to look at the month ahead.  What I know is going to be happening is three birthdays (mine, my youngest daughter's, and my sisters), one baby shower for my second youngest daughter, and whatever the month brings concerning my parents estate and guardianship issues.  There's a possibility I might also be taking a trip out to see my mother, though that is tied in with how the court proceedings play out.

1. Your Ship: You/The Situation -
whatever it is you're asking about that is currently on the move or lost at sea

8 of Pentacles
In this case, my 'ship' is the overall theme for the month - what aspect of my life I'm trying to bring 'home' to the end of the month.  The 8 of Pentacles speaks to detail work and step by step effort as I learn and grow more skilled in getting everything done. 

In this card, the figure seems oddly seems to be steering the pentacle in front of him, like the captain of a ship... take care of what's in front of you and the rest will follow.

2. What Keeps Me Afloat -
the sea in its positive sense... what is helping

Temperance
But of course.. Temperance suggests balance and moderation - the angel, like a fine cook, puts in just the right amount of water (emotion) and fire (energy) to get a well blended result. 

This is a reminder that I can do all the steps required of me if I pace myself and remember to blend in periods of rest - not burn out early or procrastinate until the end of the month.  Just a reasonable bit, day by day until everything is done.

3. What Drives Me Toward the Rocks -
the sea in its less positive sense.. what is not helping

Wheel of Fortune
This is all the stuff that is out of my hands (and there's a lot).  It is difficult for me to focus on the small step by step efforts I can make when there are still so many unanswered questions and things that are pending... things that can't be guaranteed.  But in this position, I am reminded that I can't get tripped up by that... what is out of my hands is out of my hands and will play out however it will. 

Meanwhile, I still need to focus on what I can do, not on my frustration and worry over what I can't.  The figure at the top of this card reminds me of the Charioteer... but no one can perfectly drive a path solely according to their will.  Fortune does seem to be turning to my favor, but counting on that is as foolish as worrying that it won't... focus on my own steps and let the rest sort itself out as it will.

4. The Fog -
what blocks my vision? What am I not seeing?

Page of Wands
The court card here suggests to me that this has to do with my own self-identity and with this page that self-identity has to do with learning about personal power and the ability to channel it.  For sure, when all of this started, I was feeling like my energy and my ability to manage it was totally shot.  It's embarrassing to admit, but my first reaction to learning about everything that was going on was to try to run from it on the grounds that I wasn't strong enough to deal with it and would surely mess up if I tried.

That faulty view has passed (and did after the first week of coming to grips with this) but at this point, my view of myself as someone who can channel and use my energy for such a vitally important purpose is till pretty shaky.

I think this card is telling me that I have more energy for this than I think I do - my belief that I'm not strong is masking what I need to watch out for.

5. The Rocks -
the danger ahead to be avoided

4 of Swords
And that ties right in with this card - the 4 of Swords has to do with recuperation... stepping away from thinking about a situation in order to rest and recover.  And while that is generally a good thing, right now, I need to avoid doing so... I just can't afford to check out right now, not even temporarily.  That faulty view of myself as someone without enough energy to get through this could lead me to automatically rest more than I actually need to and in doing so waste precious time.  Temperence shows me the better path... keep things in moderation and keep everything flowing, rather than coming to a total halt at intervals.

6. The Lighthouse -
what protects me from the Rocks

3 of Swords
This is the light that burns through the fog of my own lack of confidence and keeps me from the rocks of checking out entirely - the 3 of Swords here shows my own sadness and heartbreak over the situation with my mother.  I have been at intervals shocked, dismayed, angered, outraged and offended to find myself related to people who would deliberately attempt to take advantage of a tragic situation for their own ego and money driven desires.  I wouldn't have thought it possible, and if I could find a way to safely go into denial about it, I know I would.  Instead, that painful reality - and the even more painful reality of my mother's precarious situation - is what keeps me moving.  The situation as it is simply cannot stand and if not me and my sister fighting to correct the situation, then who?  That pain enables me to behave more energetically than I feel, and put off the true recuperation period I am planning to take later once things are taken care of.

8. The Lighthouse Keeper -
who or what is my ally

4 of Pentacles
You know, I'd have liked to see Justice here, but wierdly, this makes sense - right now my biggest ally is my relative's greed - every break I've had has come from them accidentally revealing information I can use by attempting to hang onto everything for themselves.  Their dogged determination to keep control keeps resulting in either mistakes that show their intent (which helps get authorities interested in helping) or forces them to take steps that give me the same information they refused to volunteer.  I think that in their minds, they believe that we are after the same goal as they are, and because we aren't we're in a position to more clearly see their motives than they can see ours, and allows us to be more flexible about our path.

A breakthrough moment for me was when I realized that ultimately, the worst they can do to me is to make work for me... in the end the law is on our side, and because I have no hope or intention for any personal gain, I have no investment to lose - and I believe they're already spending money at a rapid rate hoping it will come back to them with profit.  Well.. keep hoping.  Their greed is working in my favor and will, in the end, be what helps me make sure my mother is safe.

9. Home -
the solid land/hoped for destination

10 of Cups, rv
This is the realistic expectation of where I want to 'land' by the end of the month - and it makes sense... I would like to be in a place where a happy resolution is possible, but the reversal here is a reality check... I'm not going to be able to make everyone happy nor do I even want to try.  Letting go of that inherent desire lets me work on movement toward that most emotionally satisfying conclusion possible, and let go of any responsibility to do more than that.  I'm afraid my mother is in for some unhappy days while transitions take place... I know I'm not near any 'happily ever after' in this.  And being willing to decide that is ok... that it's even ok to live with everyone else's unhappiness with me and disappointment that I can't be all things to all people right now is ok and I'm not going to take on that burden and start feeling defeated that it's not possible.

7. The Lighthouse -
what guides me Home

8 of Wands, rv
Back to the lighthouse, this is what guides me toward that provisionally happy result... the 8 of Wands reversed shows more icy cold energy than fiery hot - electricity rather than flame.  For me this card tends to have to do with distance communication through technology... fax, phone, email, etc and it is telling me to document conversations, keep my passions out of it - stay professional and communicate speedily in ways that can be pulled up later to clear misunderstandings and show my work.  That way, when others are unhappy with what is being done, I can clear up confusion AND stand my ground based on what was already decided.

10. Ships Log -
Outcome/Final Advice

Lovers, rv
And finally, the Lover's card, reversed seems to offer a final bit of advice along that same line... I am a person that is wired to connectedness... it is my habit and desire to assess success by how well everyone is pleased with the result.  And under normal circumstances, I like being that way - this situation is outside of my comfort zone and 'success' in this case means capably representing my father's wishes, and doing the best I can to respect my mother's wishes as long as they aren't against her better needs.  It means deliberately arranging things to ensure my relatives don't get the outcome they want. It means subjugating my emotions to better deal with courts and lawyers and banks (and lions and tigers and bears, oh my).  The Lovers card here suggests to me that for right now, I need to follow the dictates of my heart much less than the dictates of my head, even if that doesn't come naturally to me when working on large cooperative (or adversarial) efforts.  The time for the Lovers card will come.. just not now.

I can't say the month ahead looks all that fun or satisfactory, but I do think that keeping my head down and dealing with one day at a time, one step at a time, we'll be a lot closer to a conclusion (or at least a clear path forward) by the end of it.  No easy fixes here ...just a lot of work. 

And that is totally ok... after two months of legal limbo, the prospect of actually getting into the work phase of all this comes as something of a relief.

Daily Draw: Small Medicine Wheel (Wheel of Fortune)

A sandpainted mandala is laid out on the dirt.  At the center of the wheel is a circle of red surrounded by orange (and on down the rainbow - orange to yellow, to purple, to blue), with lightning bolts emanating from it.  It is crossed by horizontal and vertical lines that are colored purple and on top of the crosshairs there is a white bird flying toward me. 

Along the outer edge of the circle there are twelve stones.  The stones at the crosshairs are decorated with animal symbols - a buffalo to the north, an eagle feather to the east, a coyote to the south and a bear to the west.

Rimming the wheel is a zigzag patterned band of green and red.  The crosshairs along this band are colored - white to the north, yellow to the east green to the south and black to the west.

This image of the wheel is both peaceful and powerful - each of the animals depicted are strong in their own way, but they seem to be neither controlled by, nor attempting to control the whole - they each have their place.  The most stand out image is that of the white bird (at first glance, I thought it was an owl, but it isn't) in the center.  This is the only 'living' image - the rest are drawn on stone, and it is also the only moving image and it is in the place of spirit.

Ground and center, baby, no matter what's happening - apply the right sort of power to the situation. I do like that this Wheel focuses on the response, rather than the stimulus.

So... update to yesterday's 5 of Pents, with its cracked bowl - yes, I needed to be aware of what was underneath my daughter's moodiness... but these bowls show up in the Water suit in this deck (some of them cracked) and guess what?  A water pipe in the basement cracked, sending us running to find plastic bins to contain the water that backed up into the tub (something obviously clogged a pipe and the pressure cracked a joint) and was raining down into the basement.

So.... once again, no water...cracked water containers and no water, and a rather  precarious home situation...hah!

And today...stay calm and centered at this latest bit of randomosity.  I've already heard from the landlady and there should be a visit from the plumber sometime today.

Reading - Intuitive Filters

I realized I have no current burning question or situation confusing me right now to use the spread I posted on, so  I decided to treat it as a general exploratory reading, asking..

"What filters do I need to be alert to in reading for others?"

1. I see what I saw before
What experiences from the past are affecting my understanding?

X - The Wheel
The Wheel truly is reflective of my view of life and the way reality works.

My past experiences indicate to me that cause and effect are the key laws that govern reality, and so I tend to focus readings on why things happen, and likely results of decisions made (or left unmade). 

I also have experienced the reality that even if the answer is 'not now' it doesn't always mean 'never' so I am very leery of making definitive pronouncements when I know that things change and often due to circumstances that are not yet present at all and are dependent on circumstances beyond our control.

Finally, the Wheel, for me, shows that life is a blend of outside influences and an inward response to them - we may not have a choice about whether to ride the Wheel through its up and downs, but we have a choice whether to take that ride clinging to the edge or staying centered and calm.

The Wheel speaks of cycles of time and a rhythmic way of perceiving apparent chaos and it is difficult to read at all without assuming this mindset to be operational.  I'm pretty confident that it is, but it would be a good idea not to assume that the one I'm reading for regards life on these terms - it may need to be explained or put into terms they are able to comprehend and accept.

This is the only Major Arcana card in this reading, and as such I want to take this as the key life lesson I bring to readings.

2. I see what I just saw
What recent experience is affecting my understanding?

8 of Wands
This image shows an archer aiming an arrow at his target.  I often take the 8 of wands, with its reference to speeding spears flying midair as a reference to the Internet ... and recently, that's the media for the majority of the readings I do for others, either via LivePerson, in email, or on Second Life.

This has altered a number of my opinions about how things work because these readings from a distance work very well.  I'm still not much at a place where I can readily articulate why they work (I'm still working out my personal thesis about why Tarot works), but I have come to trust that they do.

Tentatively, I believe there is a web of connection... much like the web of connection that makes up the Internet itself... that is not limite by geography.  I don't think there is some sort of short range emanation that only works at close quarters and dissipates with distance.

And I am aware that many do not agree with this assessment, and it may be necessary to see it as possible for it to be possible.

I'm almost entirely beyond my ability to put what I'm getting from this into words, so I will leave it at that.  But to summarize this card in this position, my recent experiences with the interconnectedness of people at a distance from one another are a filter that colors my impression about what is possible, not only for readings, but for relationship-related questions.  I do not find it at all unbelievable or 'crazy' (a word used often by those asking about long distance relationships, as they explain with embarrassment what their situation is) that very real and solid connections happen between people who have never stood in close proximity to one another. (This also makes me very impatient with those who neglect to show the same ethical sense when dealing with people online that they would in person on the grounds that it is not 'real' or 'just for fun' but that may be another topic altogether.)

3. I see what I want to see
What desire of mine is affecting my understanding?

10 of Cups

This card for me is the epitomy of happiness shared - emotional fulfillment for oneself that overflows so much that it must be passed on.  I sometimes think of it as the 'happily ever after' card - the perfect fairy tale ending to a story filled with adventure and drama.

I have to admit that is my desire... I want people to be happy and I am always sad and feel apologetic when a reading just isn't offering that.  (I don't lie but I will try to find the silver lining in an otherwise negative reading)  This is something I need to watch, I know... to keep it honest and not allow my own desire for things to work out for everyone lead me to miss situations that have very little positive to offer.

It also leads me to build into readings alternatives so that even if the person's question has a negative answer, I can find something there that shows a path to happiness.  And I don't think that that's a bad thing, but I want to be careful not to do that as a way to make myself feel better about being the bearer of bad news and wind up deflecting away from the primary matter of concern by saying 'ooh, look over there! shiny!'

While I do think it is very helpful for people to focus on what would truly make them happy (rather than chasing things that doom them to unhappiness), it's most important for me to stay focused on their concern, not on my preference for what their concern should be.

4. I see how I am
How is my current state of being and environment affecting my understanding?

4 of Pentacles

Of all the cards here this is the one I'm least comfortable to see and I've had to mull quite a bit about what it means in this context (and still am).  The image on this card is leaning pretty heavily to the aspect of the 4 of Pents that pertains to miserliness.  I don't think I am miserly in my readings - pretty much the opposite in that I've had to learn to be more concise in my explanations.

However, my 'state of being' is certainly on that requires me to be tight with my own budget and if this is a filter that impacts my reading for others, it's in that I understand and expect that those I read for are equally short on funds... I am still struggling with the idea the a good reading (and I do think I read well - this is not about a lack of confidence) can have a dollar value attached without guilt on my part.

I don't entirely think that's a bad view - I have turned away a couple people who are heavy repeaters because they are spending (to my way of thinking) ridiculous amounts of money on issues that would be better served by action on their part than on continually looking ... and getting... the same guidance.

But I may need to look at whether this internal unwillingness on my own part to budget for things that are 'merely' personal guidance might not be coloring the readings themselves... when I read, I don't want to be thinking about money at all, but about the situation being explored.  I may need to make sure I'm not letting the clock ticking away distract me from that, or take on the burden of other people's financial choices.

I also think I need to continue to get comfortable with the idea that my time is of value and that is what I'm being paid for.  This miser doesn't have a good balanced sense of what money is... he values money over what money pays for and I may be undervaluing what I am offering in exchange for what I am paid.

Like I said... more mulling needed here.  Since this is the least comfortable card in this reading, it is also one of the most important.  Especially in a reading like this, confusion and resistance are signals that it's hitting deep, I think.

5. I see who I am
What personal values do I hold that are affecting my understanding?

2 of Wands

For me all the 2s have to do with choice based on the criteria of their element, and tend to favor saying yes to the potential presented by the Ace.

So with the 2 of Wands, the personal value being highlighted is that of saying yes to one's passions, goals and dreams.   It is an active agreement to participate in one's own future.

The woman on this card is contemplative - before you can step off in the direction of your desires, it's necessary to take adequate time working out for yourself what those desires are.  That way, when opportunities do present themselves, you've got some idea of whether or not they are the right opportunity for you.

In terms of how this creates a filter on my readings, I'm struck by what sort of things tend to frustrate me the most, and it has to do with this (and not all those seeking readings are like this, thank goodness, or I couldn't do it) -

Sometimes, people don't want to hear a thing about what's within their own control... they just want to know 'what will happen' - as if that's independent of their own will or desired direction.

It's as if someone set up a big party for them in the next room with everything they want and all they have to do is walk through the door ... and as soon as that is suggested it's all 'uh uh no way, I'm not walking through that door... if it's meant to be, it'll come to ME.' and then they wonder why nothing happened.

My values tell me that that if you can't be bothered to do anything at all to get what you want, you are announcing to the Universe at large that you really don't want it... so you do get what you want.. you get nothing.  The Universe is really quite giving that way.

Yes, this is a filter that colors the direction of my readings.  And it's ok with me if it's not for everyone because I don't actually  think I'm the right reading for everyone.  I''d much rather read for those who are ready and willing to set their path in motion than for those who are just  waiting for things to drop in their lap - or on their head.

Daily Draw: X - The Wheel of Fortune

Oh look.. the Wheel... again...

This one has quite a dangerous look to it!  A pair of lizards, one red and one white, are perched on an 8-spoked wooden wheel, eating each other's tail.  The white one is at the top of the wheel, has wings and wears a white crown.  The red one has spiney scales covering its back and heavier claws than the white one.  Come to that, the white creatures face looks happy, while the  red one looks miserable.

The Wheel is suspended in a clear blue sky in which the upper left shows a white cloud with a black center and three white stars, and rays emanating from the cloud (Air), the upper right shows a stormy grey cloud dripping with yod-shaped raindrops (WATER), the lower left shows a large pile of rocks and pebbles, and the lower right shows flames.

Very reminiscent of the World card, but here the elements are not safely in quadrants - they're in the raw and able to directly impact the Wheel and its passengers.  The difference between this and the World is that here about all you can do is hang on and accept that even at life's highest moments, you still get rained on, and even at its lowest, there's warmth. 

The overarching sense of this card though is that of there being no control, and a sense of discomfort and danger you have to just tolerate and deal with.

It's my youngest first day of school (sophomore year), and she missed the bus.  It came 10 minutes earlier than expected.  I'm curious to see if that's the only example of this card today.

Daily Draw: X - Change / 2 Rainbows (Moment to Moment)

For the second time this week, I drew the Wheel so I drew another for what the appropriate response to this energy should be today, and drew the 2 of Rainbows (Pentacles), subtitled "Moment to Moment".

This card shows a man in loose white tunic and pants trimmed in black (reflecting the yin-yang at the center of the Wheel mandala), balancing carefully on his left foot as he walks across a rainbow-hued sea by stepping from stone to stone - he has found a solid foundation to move through the shifting chaos of the roiling water.  The rainbow colors of the sea are reflected in the mandala as well.

The only way for him to do this without falling in and being swept away is to focus on one step at a time, balancing, and keeping his feet on what's solid - the rocks determine his path, but how he treads them is up to him.

In spite of the precariousness of this situation, the card itself seems joyful and light - he seems to be enjoying the trip.

Together these seem to suggest approaching the changing cycles of the Wheel by staying focused on one step at a time, staying grounded and balanced and understanding the difference between what is in our control and what is merely to be accepted.

Today it reminds me of a number of things that  are pending or otherwise outside of my ability to act on them, and also those things I can do, now, today.  It reminds me that I don't need to procrastinate and wait until everything is known, but can take small steps to clear away those things that are up to me to do.

And that said, I've got a to-do list with a few items I'd like to tick off, and I think I'll get started on that now.

Daily Draw: X - Change

X - Change (Wheel of Fortune)

A multicolored mandala is suspended in a blue universe - the very center of the mandala is a yin-yang symbol.  It is surrounded by a ring of blue-white light and then a circle of red.  Next there is a ring composed of four quadrants, each a different color and filled with what appears to be lightnight.  Finally there is a layer that seems to be composed of petal shapes, the colors subtly changing as I look around the ring. 

There are white streaks of light of speckles of light that could be stars radiating out from the mandala and the way they trail outward gives the appearance that the mandala is turning counter clockwise.

The bottom of the card is white as if bright light is glowing below.

This card is called change, and emphasizes the cyclical and changing nature of time - as the wheel turns, events come and go but looking at the whole from a distance, there is a pattern to it all - the change is in color and tone only - as if it is the attitude we bring to an event that 'colors' our perception of it more than simply the event and circumstance itself.

I do like this card and the overall impression of it for me is soothing rather than focused on the risky nature of most Wheel renditions - here, I am reminded to be mindful of the patterns of my life and look forward to the changes as periods where a different light can be shone on the whole that is my existance.

Deviant Moon Lunatic Spread

I've been working on this for days - the actual reading was done on the 18th with short notes in my private journal, but I wanted to put up something coherent and with images here.  This involved more fussing with my scanner than I would have liked and it hit me during a not so verbal phase - so chipping it it bit by bit...

I didn't ask a question other than what should I be aware of covering the next couple of months.  The spread itself is the one that's included with the Deviant Moon deck (which comes with a paper tarot cloth showing this same spread).  Lots of hidden' stuff and influences, with I think is perfectly compatible with a deck devoted to offkilter lunar concerns.

The Inquirer: Present Day - self and all circumstances in your present position in life

THE LOVERS

A pale woman and dark man are standing on a sandy shore near a large pool or water, locked in an intimate embrace - the woman's right leg is lifted upward (as if about to wrap it around his hip and pull him closer) and her head is tilted back as he nuzzles her neck.  Her eyes are closed but his are open and gazing at her.  They are both naked other than a red flat cap with yellow triangles trimming the edge which the man is wearing.  A snake is on the ground near the man's left foot and has bit him just above the ankle.

In the distance, and reflected in the pool, there is a line of mountains - the general color of the sand, pool, mountains and even the sky is brownish-gold.  Hanging over the couple is a full moon with a face smiling at them and a ray of mist emanating toward the couple from the moon, as if it is blowing moondust down on them.

This is an overtly sexual depiction of the Lovers.  The snake provides a hint of Adam and Eve (warning, perhaps, of the cost of giving over oneself to love).  The couple show a contrast between the full moon and dark moon - here, it is the male that is the dark moon figure and yet he is also the one in the active 'taking' position while the full moon female is shown as the more receptive one, eyes closed, receiving a kiss. This suggests to me  that the choice to Love requires letting one's irrational inner self take over...and one's conscious persona be willing to receive and not be in full control of what happens.

I wonder if the real cost the snake represents is that 'knowledge' makes it hard to let go and receive love without counting the cost? (I actually have a whole different take on Adam and Eve... but musing from within the traditional mythical construct here)

So.. this is where I am right now... making choices that involve my relationship with those I love, and needing to let go...stop counting that cost and give into it...trust that, just as the Moon here blesses the union, it will be all right.  And beyond my relationship with others there is the aspect of consciously stepping back and letting myself be seduced by my own dark moon inner self.

Past Influences - events from the past that shape the present

THE EMPRESS

A pale woman in a purple cloak and blue and gold headdress sits on a concrete stool on top of a black and white checkered floor that is surrounded by a lush wild garden.  Under the purple cloak, the woman appears to have a sharply ridged spine (like a leaf edge or lizard) and a thick green appendage that seems to be a tail comes from under the cloak and wraps around the woman's foot and up to her arm, where it becomes a green stem wrapping around her wrist and ending in an orange tuliplike flower that she holds.

The woman has a double set of breasts (the better to feed you with, my dear) and dark hair under the headdress.  In the sky, there is a waning crescent moon in the upper left corner.

The first thing that strikes me is the checkered floor - while the Empress is goddess of growing things, she still sits on a solid orderly foundation.  The other thing that gets me is that tail that seems to be both animal and plant - contained with in her is all living things, and the multiple breasts with which to sustain and nourish them.

It is my aspect as mother which has most profoundly shaped my past and impacts my present when it comes to relationships of all sorts - no matter who I am involved with, my parenthood is a part of the puzzle.  No matter what choices I make in terms of connectedness, my relationship with my children must be factored in.  And my way of relating to them impacts how I tend to relate to others.  In parenthood, especially, there is a need to give into the needs of the relationship and not count the cost (at least not after you've taken that step - and I took mine while just on the brink of adulthood, so I do not have any other way of being to compare this to - whatever else changes around me, I am now and always will be a mother).

Subconscious Influences - Underlying forces in the inquirer's mind, dreams, subconscious thoughts

10 of SWORD

A golden hairless figure (reminds me of a buddha having a very, very bad day) is crammed into a small wooden box. Ten swords have been thrust into the box and are trapping or piercing the figure and a look of agony is on the figure's face.  Swords pierce his nose, his heart region, his left hand (lifted up as if to say, "Stop! No more!" his left forearm and knee and his left foot.  Meanwhile his right side limbs are completely trapped by swords so he is unable to move or resist the onslaught.

Ouch... So first thought... "I don't feel that way!" and then heh... subconscious, my dear - this is where the denial happens.

And the truth is, this is where I have lived for the last few years - betrayed, boxed in and trapped by the details of my marriage breaking up... the details aren't necessary here... that deep down, I'm still carrying this is.

This card is utterly grim - there's no glint of a new day dawning and it reminds me of one of those horrible tests in the Saw movies... if you want to get out you're going to have to yank yourself off those swords and be willing to cut by a few more of them and then you have to figure out how to get out of that box. 

So subconsciously, I'm still here - I've worked to consciously not feel this way, but that's been mainly by sitting very still and not thinking about it.  This card is letting me know that I'm going to have to actually work my way out of the devastation or I'm still here, whether I acknowledge it or not.

Like I say...ouch.

Secret Desires and Wishes - Hopes and dreams not yet realized

THE FOOL

An here is the opposite of that boxed in golden child - the Fool, tromping freely through a shallow pool (there are gondolas - this is a watery street) and playing with the fishes. 

The Fool here is of the dark moon and there is a waxing moon in the sky - he may not appear to be doing much other than playing, but this is a time of growth.  The Fool wears a red and white striped outfit that could be a jester's costume, but looks more like a pair of pajamas and nightcap.  While everyone sleeps, he's out frolicking.

And yes.. hopes and dreams not yet realized... to be free and playful without any cares and without always having to consider what might go wrong.  This Fool is enjoying the world of emotions and intuition (not impaled by thoughts and strategies) and has a deep unabashed trust that things will be ok and can take care of themselves.  This looks like a good place to be and yes, I would like this .. or at least more of this... in my life.

Hidden Influences - Unseen powers that affect the inquirer
9 of CUPS

Here we go again... the 9 of Cups continues to turn up for me in readings all over the place, usually in some sort of 'unseen' context.

In this version, there is a dark moon figure dressed in a tailored brown outfit and a tight pigtail sitting on the beach near a body of water.  The figure is holding a lamp from which a dark genii has appeared, surrounded by a ring of golden cups.  The genii has a 'third eye' in the midle of his forehead.  There is a waning moon hanging low in the sky.

I have to just give in on this one... unseen powers that affect me have to do with someone or some situation that has the power and is willing to use it to grant me what I wish.  And believing this.. takes busting through that 10 of Swords box, because all of those swords are inscribed with 'I got into this by trusting that I could have what was promised'.

I think this 9 of Cups keeps popping up to tell me to trust - and that's scarier than that image of the box.  Makes sense, I suppose... if I really want that Fool, trust has to come first.

Thing is... in those genii stories, 'be careful what you wish for' is always the message, isn't it?  I continue to not know how to relate to this card.

Events to Come - Future happenings in the inquirer's destiny

5 of CUPS

Yikes what a wretched image - a pair of dark moon figures stand on a balcony near the sea.  The woman, wearing an apron and red headscarf is angrily pointing and waving at the man, who appears to be smaller than she is and fairly well dressed. He wears a purple cap and a look of anxiety and is covering his ears to block out her words.  Three spilled cups (the liquid could be red wine but it looks like blood) are discarded on the ground near his feet, and a pair of upright cups are on the wall next to the couple.  The moon is full and entirely blank faced.

This is regret for choices that have lead to an unbearable situation and quite honestly it looks a lot more like my past and my marriage than anything I'm likely to allow into my world in the future... yes, i've been that nag married to someone tuning me out (I've also been the one being criticised).... regretted being in a situation where I felt I had to nag - and definitely regretted being in a situation where carelessness led to emotional concerns being treated like trash and wasted.  Both of us at fault for that one, yes.

So what's this mean for the future.. because, seriously, I won't ever let myself be in that situation again - it was an enormously painful place to be and too many years wasted on it for the sake of whatever dribbles were left in those upright cups.  But this may be working along with that 10 of Swords... and that in my future, I've got some actual letting go of this frustration and regret to come.  Another step in the two of us breaking the emotional hold we've got on each other  (which, at this point, is almost entirely quietly hostile and negative). That'd be good - some sincere neutrality would be a good thing - otherwise, we've both moved on but that undercurrent still exists. I'd like to get to a point where I can honestly (key word, that) say that I've let go of the betrayal I feel about how it played out (not that it played out - that part was a good thing. we were not good together) and it'd be nice to believe that he isn't justifying those decisions by continuing to talk about how terrible I am to people that don't even know me.

I'll take this as a positive indicator of that possibility... the notion that that day isn't comin is just unbearable... neither of us should be continuing to expend energy on hostility and negativity at this point.

Surrounding Environment - Elements of home, work, community, etc.

WHEEL OF FORTUNE

The figures on this card are pale, full moon in aspect.  A large woman (Lady Luck?) is dressed in a green dress and red coat and headscarf, trimmed in gold.  Her feet are bare.  A small figure with a tail, naked except for a red and gold cap (like a trained monkey's cap) is seated on a stool, hands on face and looking awestruck and scared, watching the woman crank the handle on a large wheel behind the pair.

The wheel itself is metallic and embossed with various images - a broken heart, a palm, a face, a moon, a star... A pair of fish decorate the wheel and a monkey faced imp with wings looks on from overhead, wielding a pair of small wands.

The phrase that comes to mind here is 'Oh no, what now??  And in terms of my environment...family, friends, community... this is most definitely how it's been lately for us all, hasn't it? Hanging on and apprehensively wondering what the next monkey wrench is going to be - feeling as if far too much is dependent on circumstances beyond our personal control.

Lately, Lady Luck has been nobody's friend.

Influence of Others - how those you meet or deal with affect your persona

ACE of CUPS

A dark moon woman with stone wings is seated, facing left. She's wearing a gauzy gown of blue and purple, trimmed in gold and wears a golden armband, a bracelet and ring connected by a golden chain, a golden neck cuff and a gold tiara with a red stone in the middle and twelve spikes (6 white, and 6 black).  Her hair is in tight beaded braids.

She's holding a golden, two-handled chalice decorated with vines - the handles are seahorses.

A full moon looks down with a calm face and is breathing a strong ray of moondust down into her cup.  The woman's face has a soft smile on it - she seems to be contented and happy.

This card tells me that every person I meet or am in contact with is a fresh opportunity for emotional openness - that people are where my potential for emotional growth lies.  This rings very true for me - it is in my relationships (including those who are only in my life for as long as it takes me to pay for something at a checkout counter) that I experience emotional richness.   This reading seems to be very much about my emotional life - and here is a reminder that all of my encounters contain the potential to help me grow into the person I wish to be.

For all that there are things beyond my control and old wounds to address and heal, as long as I remember that people are what matter most, I have within myself the the ability to feel abundance and love.

Spiritual Forces - Effects of spiritual influence over your question
2 of CUPS

A couple stand in the corner of a room which looks out over a city scene where a clock can be seen striking midnight.

The male is a skeleton (Death?), wearing a fancy cream outfit and red cloak and hood covered with a gold scarf.  The woman is dark with long black hair that is covered in glowing lights (stars?).  There is clearly a flirtation happening here - he leans against the wall behind her and she seems to be winking at him.  They hold a pair of gold chalices as if toasting one another. 

A golden ribbon wraps down the male's left leg and is curled around her right foot.  The toenails on her left foot are painted red, while those on her right are painted black.  Some spilled wine (blood) is sprinkled on the ground between their feet.

The same checked floor as on the Empress card is on the floor here.  In the distance, there is a factory blowing smoke from its chimneys.

This is partnership - these two appear to be very different and yet there does seem to be a complementary connection between death and darkness that works.  While this is new and flirtatious, the connection has been made and since this is about spiritual influences, this suggests to me here to seek spirituality in the realm of connections... a confirmation of the Ace's message and also a suggestion to connect to those subconscious and hidden influences this reading has highlighted.  Death's connection to the 10 of Swords - letting things go... and the hidden mystery I have with that 9 of cups pointing to this dark woman's head full of stars seem to be speaking here... they are connected somehow and can come together in a spiritual way for me.

(This reading is speaking on a level that is hard to draw up into the realm of words... if that sounded like babble it makes sense to me but I'm not sure how well I'm expressing it)

Final Outcome - Culmination of Events - result/answer to question

4 of PENTACLES

Here is Death again, this time female, wearing a dark cloak and hood and a frightening face. She wears a clock around her neck showing the time as 9:40 - a waxing moon is in the sky near a large building with a pair of smoking chimneys.  Death is leading away a richly dressed man (gold and purple) wearing a crown.  He has one shoe on and one off, as if he's being hustled away on short notice and he's looking back anxiously at the building he's leaving behind.

In his arms, he's clutching four pentacles... all he was able to take with him before he goes.  Death is leading him into a building or furnace filled with a raging fire, but the man doesn't seem to be even looking at where he's headed because he's so worried about what he's leaving behind.

Begs the question...just what does he think he's going to do with those pentacles he hangs onto so desperately?

This is a rather disturbing culmination card, eh?  The short answer here is 'you can't take it with you' - and even if you could, what's the point?  The reading suggests to me that it's hanging onto those old thoughts of betrayal that keeps me clutching for the status quo... in actuality, things are changing... the Wheel shows how circumstances are changing no matter how still I try to sit.  The Fool in the place of my hopes shows a need to travel very lightly.  The rest remind me over and over that it's in emotions not things... people not circumstances... where my true path lies.

This person, with his one shoe off and hugging coins to himself looks far more foolish than the Fool does.

---

I'm rather awestruck at the richness of this reading and this deck - I wasn't sure if I could read with it at all, but I can.  It's going to take a lot of practice to capably put these images into words... they truly do access the subconscious, below the level of language.

I've been mulling on this reading for a long time, and it continues to bear fruit.  And I think I may have a new favorite deck.

Daily Reading: XXI - Triumph / X - Fortune

At our SL Practical Tarot discussion this past Saturday, we were talking about Tarot's relationship to one's spiritual outlook and the conversation turned to how one integrates spiritual ideals into mundane life.  As an exercise, we decided to do two card daily readings to look at the external theme of the day and the spiritual theme in response to it.  So, this week, I'll be drawing two cards a day with this comparison in mind.

Today's card representing external themes, is XXI: Triumph (The World).  The love story depicted here is Dionysus and Ariadne, shown embracing in front of the World.  Ariadne's story looks like a tragedy until nearly the very end of it - she helps Theseus slay the Minotaur by providing him with a golden thread to lead him out of the labyrinth (and she holds the thread in her hand in the card) and is repaid by being abandoned by him.  In her heartbreak, she is told by the Muses that she has a better destiny before her than the one that was lost and soon is wooed and won by Dionysus, the god of plenty.  She is made immortal and becomes a goddess of love -  an ending that leads her out of her own maze of despair and into a life that is much more than she'd ever conceived.

This is the lesson of the World card... that what you get is even more than you know to want and that openness to greater than what you desire is where success and abundance lie.  It speaks of expanding your horizons.  At a mundane level, this speaks to me of not getting locked into small goals, but asking 'what else' - letting my day's routine stretch to include the serendipitous.  It speaks of seeing loss as letting go of what isn't good enough to make way for what better than I'd thought of - letting myself see the possibility of a true happy conclusion rather than simply maintaining and making do.

Meanwhile, Fortune ties in the spiritual lesson in this approach and this card shows Zeus coming to Danae as a shower of golden light to seduce her as she sits playing a stringed instrument.  Danae is locked away because an oracle fortold that a child of hers would one day slay her father - he hoped to avoid this by keeping her from ever meeting with a man.. but he didn't take into account that Zeus himself might come to her and conceive a child, Perseus.

The message is that when something is meant to be, avoiding it isn't possible.  The Wheel turns and the only choice is to accept or struggle against it.  Danae's father attempted to avoid his fate and failed, setting in motion the thing he hoped to avoid.  Danae accepted the will of Zeus and it set her on a path that was both difficult and rewarding for her.  With the Wheel, we are not in control of circumstances... but we are in control of our response to them.

The spiritual response to the expanded horizons of possibility presented by XXI - Triumph is to accept them - to acknowledge that not everything is in our control, and to respond to the gifts of fortune (including those that don't seem to be in our favor).  This willingness to gamble that what happens is what's meant to be is what opens up the World to us.

It's been a quiet day today, and these are very big cards... I do not know what the universe wants to offer me today that merits such sweeping cards, but I will do my best to respond with an open, willing heart to what comes and trust that what comes today is for greater good than I can see.

End of Day Update:
Oh, I have to share how this played out... it's so fun!

Years ago, I attempted to give my (now ex) husband a gift that he'd really like, and worked together with a friend to buy him what he needed to do some home brewing.  The equipment and brewing supplies were not cheap, and a lot of time and effort was put into it, and I'd chosen to do this because he'd mentioned more than once being interested.  I thought it was the best gift I'd ever gotten anyone...

and it sat there, untouched, forever.  And over time, as things started to go bad, it became a symbol of disappointment for me. Disappointment in his response..disappointment in my own inability to know what he'd like.. the disappointment he felt in this useless gift he didn't want.

And then one day, on a whim, I took the whole thing and gave it to a friend of mine, mostly just wanting it gone where it couldn't chide me anymore, and hoping someone might get some use out of it.  Well... my friend never used it either, but that was ok because just taking it off my hands (and no, the ex never even noticed it was gone) was all that I needed from him.

So, out of sight, out of mind... haven't thought of it in a long time.  Except that friend was out visiting and he mentioned to my daughter's fiance that he had this unused kit and supplies... and the two of them agreed that it should be passed over so the fiance could try it.  He's a very cool guy, and loves projects.  A couple weeks ago, the kit came back to my house and D researched and followed directions and viola! There's amber ale in bottles now down in my basement... and he looooved doing it.

This afternoon, he was excitedly talking about who'll be getting to taste the first run, and what he wants to do next, and I asked him if it was possible to make mead with it... boom! He was off and running exploring mead and is now very excited to give it a try and even went over to his grandfathers to pick up a whole bunch of lovely green bottles for it.  By the end of the day, we'd agreed on a flavor combination (apple spice honey mead) and we'll be gathering the ingredients for it (and talk about serendipity... his uncle is a beekeeper) and if all goes well, we are going to have a whole lot of mead by Winter Solstice both for my own use and to give out as gifts.

So there it is... out of an old disappointment, a new pleasure arises which will ultimately have spiritual meaning for me when the Wheel turns to the appropriate time.

I am so tickled by this!

Daily Draw: X - The Wheel

my description:

a red-haired woman, braids at her temples, is bending over to complete the drawing of a circle in the sand.  She wears a loose blue garment and purple shawl, with a rope belt around her waist.  Hanging from the rope is a small scourge and her feet are bare.  In her left hand she holds a small 8-segmented wheel like a pendulum and in her right a wooden wand used to draw the circle.  On her left arm there is a double spiral arm bracelet.  She is standing before the opening to a cave and the sandy ground where she works is surrounded by rocks.  In the distance there is a flat beach and the ocean.  It's daylight with high clouds that a stretched along the horizon... a wind is blowing, but the overall feeling is of a warm, balmy day.

On the pillar shaped rock behind her (the left side of the entrance), I can almost make out a face.. not so much carved as simply created by the shape of the rock - grass grows from the top of it that gives it the appearance of hair.  It's like a naturally created hint of the Greenman.

This is by far my favorite version of the Wheel card.  In this image I see the synthesis of those things beyond our direct control... the passage of time, the endless cycling of circumstance and condition, but there is no hint of helplessness in the face of that lack of control... rather, this woman works within that process to bring her own actions in harmony with it.  She holds the pendulum... the Wheel of the Year that guides her action and focus... the scourge to remind that we must take the pain along with the joy... that sometimes you sow, and sometime you reap and both are necessary and valuable.  She draws her own wheel, creating a place of sacredness and safety from which to create her own magic.  She stands near the cave that is both the womb where life begins and the tomb where we return to the Mother at our end of days.  In the distance, the ocean reminds us of the spiritual source of all that is.  This cave and that ocean have been here for aeons and will remain long after this one's work is complete, but she is a part and partner to it while she is here.

I love this card. Love it.  It reminds me to appreciate the season of life I am in now.. to open myself up to that passage of time. It reminds me nothing stands still, whether I want to or not, so go with it.  It reminds me that what I do today will have effects long after I am gone and that what happens today was born long before I was aware of it, and yet, my responsibility today is to be in harmony with Today, and not neglect it trying to be somewhere else on the Wheel.  Be Here Now.

Daily Draw: 10 - The Wheel

my description:

A whitish grey dragon's claw holds open a book labeled "The Grimoire of Life" with the inscription "The Wheel Turns. Learn to ride with dragons."  Below the inscription is a  Celtic trefoil  made of dragon heads.  On the facing page is a wheel in  eight sections, each section showing a different shaped dragon, all facing inward to the center, which is a small square.  enclosing the circle is a braided knot.

Below the book is a feather quill and a bottle of ink.  The etchings on the bottle aren't clear but they hint at a lunar goddess design (full moon with crescents to the side), and the ink reflects light, reminding me of a scrying bowl...images almost surfacing in the murk.

The book that comes with this deck attaches the trefoil pattern to the Norse Fates, and the 8 sections of the Wheel to the Wheel of the Year.  Karma seems to be highlighted here... as you write it, you live it. The feather, described as Truth by the book is what is used to write, and the ink seems to me to be a scrying bowl... if you have the eyes to see, what will be written is already being shown there.

I think I like this card - there's such a good focus on blending acceptance of what is (Learn to ride with dragons - not fight them... not get dragged away by them) and the truth that we write our own Fate to a large extent.

A phrase that is coming to mind is 'Life is not a mistake" - this isn't a roulette wheel spinning randomly... there are no hapless creatures clinging desperately to the Wheel.  Rather, each phase has its own nature.  Riding with dragons... we don't always know why things are the way they are, but we can experience it as a spiritual event, ride with it not be ridden by it...and know that we hold the pen and can, by our response to today, begin writing the next chapter.