Journey in 78 Steps

Lighthouse Spread and Reading

A couple weeks ago, someone on Aeclectic asked for a spread with a lighthouse theme - it's been awhile since I tried to create a structured spread, so I gave it a whirl and came up with this.

As I am about to enter what promises to be a very full month, I thought I'd try it to look at the month ahead.  What I know is going to be happening is three birthdays (mine, my youngest daughter's, and my sisters), one baby shower for my second youngest daughter, and whatever the month brings concerning my parents estate and guardianship issues.  There's a possibility I might also be taking a trip out to see my mother, though that is tied in with how the court proceedings play out.

1. Your Ship: You/The Situation -
whatever it is you're asking about that is currently on the move or lost at sea

8 of Pentacles
In this case, my 'ship' is the overall theme for the month - what aspect of my life I'm trying to bring 'home' to the end of the month.  The 8 of Pentacles speaks to detail work and step by step effort as I learn and grow more skilled in getting everything done. 

In this card, the figure seems oddly seems to be steering the pentacle in front of him, like the captain of a ship... take care of what's in front of you and the rest will follow.

2. What Keeps Me Afloat -
the sea in its positive sense... what is helping

Temperance
But of course.. Temperance suggests balance and moderation - the angel, like a fine cook, puts in just the right amount of water (emotion) and fire (energy) to get a well blended result. 

This is a reminder that I can do all the steps required of me if I pace myself and remember to blend in periods of rest - not burn out early or procrastinate until the end of the month.  Just a reasonable bit, day by day until everything is done.

3. What Drives Me Toward the Rocks -
the sea in its less positive sense.. what is not helping

Wheel of Fortune
This is all the stuff that is out of my hands (and there's a lot).  It is difficult for me to focus on the small step by step efforts I can make when there are still so many unanswered questions and things that are pending... things that can't be guaranteed.  But in this position, I am reminded that I can't get tripped up by that... what is out of my hands is out of my hands and will play out however it will. 

Meanwhile, I still need to focus on what I can do, not on my frustration and worry over what I can't.  The figure at the top of this card reminds me of the Charioteer... but no one can perfectly drive a path solely according to their will.  Fortune does seem to be turning to my favor, but counting on that is as foolish as worrying that it won't... focus on my own steps and let the rest sort itself out as it will.

4. The Fog -
what blocks my vision? What am I not seeing?

Page of Wands
The court card here suggests to me that this has to do with my own self-identity and with this page that self-identity has to do with learning about personal power and the ability to channel it.  For sure, when all of this started, I was feeling like my energy and my ability to manage it was totally shot.  It's embarrassing to admit, but my first reaction to learning about everything that was going on was to try to run from it on the grounds that I wasn't strong enough to deal with it and would surely mess up if I tried.

That faulty view has passed (and did after the first week of coming to grips with this) but at this point, my view of myself as someone who can channel and use my energy for such a vitally important purpose is till pretty shaky.

I think this card is telling me that I have more energy for this than I think I do - my belief that I'm not strong is masking what I need to watch out for.

5. The Rocks -
the danger ahead to be avoided

4 of Swords
And that ties right in with this card - the 4 of Swords has to do with recuperation... stepping away from thinking about a situation in order to rest and recover.  And while that is generally a good thing, right now, I need to avoid doing so... I just can't afford to check out right now, not even temporarily.  That faulty view of myself as someone without enough energy to get through this could lead me to automatically rest more than I actually need to and in doing so waste precious time.  Temperence shows me the better path... keep things in moderation and keep everything flowing, rather than coming to a total halt at intervals.

6. The Lighthouse -
what protects me from the Rocks

3 of Swords
This is the light that burns through the fog of my own lack of confidence and keeps me from the rocks of checking out entirely - the 3 of Swords here shows my own sadness and heartbreak over the situation with my mother.  I have been at intervals shocked, dismayed, angered, outraged and offended to find myself related to people who would deliberately attempt to take advantage of a tragic situation for their own ego and money driven desires.  I wouldn't have thought it possible, and if I could find a way to safely go into denial about it, I know I would.  Instead, that painful reality - and the even more painful reality of my mother's precarious situation - is what keeps me moving.  The situation as it is simply cannot stand and if not me and my sister fighting to correct the situation, then who?  That pain enables me to behave more energetically than I feel, and put off the true recuperation period I am planning to take later once things are taken care of.

8. The Lighthouse Keeper -
who or what is my ally

4 of Pentacles
You know, I'd have liked to see Justice here, but wierdly, this makes sense - right now my biggest ally is my relative's greed - every break I've had has come from them accidentally revealing information I can use by attempting to hang onto everything for themselves.  Their dogged determination to keep control keeps resulting in either mistakes that show their intent (which helps get authorities interested in helping) or forces them to take steps that give me the same information they refused to volunteer.  I think that in their minds, they believe that we are after the same goal as they are, and because we aren't we're in a position to more clearly see their motives than they can see ours, and allows us to be more flexible about our path.

A breakthrough moment for me was when I realized that ultimately, the worst they can do to me is to make work for me... in the end the law is on our side, and because I have no hope or intention for any personal gain, I have no investment to lose - and I believe they're already spending money at a rapid rate hoping it will come back to them with profit.  Well.. keep hoping.  Their greed is working in my favor and will, in the end, be what helps me make sure my mother is safe.

9. Home -
the solid land/hoped for destination

10 of Cups, rv
This is the realistic expectation of where I want to 'land' by the end of the month - and it makes sense... I would like to be in a place where a happy resolution is possible, but the reversal here is a reality check... I'm not going to be able to make everyone happy nor do I even want to try.  Letting go of that inherent desire lets me work on movement toward that most emotionally satisfying conclusion possible, and let go of any responsibility to do more than that.  I'm afraid my mother is in for some unhappy days while transitions take place... I know I'm not near any 'happily ever after' in this.  And being willing to decide that is ok... that it's even ok to live with everyone else's unhappiness with me and disappointment that I can't be all things to all people right now is ok and I'm not going to take on that burden and start feeling defeated that it's not possible.

7. The Lighthouse -
what guides me Home

8 of Wands, rv
Back to the lighthouse, this is what guides me toward that provisionally happy result... the 8 of Wands reversed shows more icy cold energy than fiery hot - electricity rather than flame.  For me this card tends to have to do with distance communication through technology... fax, phone, email, etc and it is telling me to document conversations, keep my passions out of it - stay professional and communicate speedily in ways that can be pulled up later to clear misunderstandings and show my work.  That way, when others are unhappy with what is being done, I can clear up confusion AND stand my ground based on what was already decided.

10. Ships Log -
Outcome/Final Advice

Lovers, rv
And finally, the Lover's card, reversed seems to offer a final bit of advice along that same line... I am a person that is wired to connectedness... it is my habit and desire to assess success by how well everyone is pleased with the result.  And under normal circumstances, I like being that way - this situation is outside of my comfort zone and 'success' in this case means capably representing my father's wishes, and doing the best I can to respect my mother's wishes as long as they aren't against her better needs.  It means deliberately arranging things to ensure my relatives don't get the outcome they want. It means subjugating my emotions to better deal with courts and lawyers and banks (and lions and tigers and bears, oh my).  The Lovers card here suggests to me that for right now, I need to follow the dictates of my heart much less than the dictates of my head, even if that doesn't come naturally to me when working on large cooperative (or adversarial) efforts.  The time for the Lovers card will come.. just not now.

I can't say the month ahead looks all that fun or satisfactory, but I do think that keeping my head down and dealing with one day at a time, one step at a time, we'll be a lot closer to a conclusion (or at least a clear path forward) by the end of it.  No easy fixes here ...just a lot of work. 

And that is totally ok... after two months of legal limbo, the prospect of actually getting into the work phase of all this comes as something of a relief.

What is Love? A Valentine's Day Reading

I wanted to post this before we got too far away from the day - I used the Lover's Path Tarot to ask the question "What is Love?" using the Four-Fold Vision Spread.

What is Love?

The object being viewed (Love):
7 of Coins

This card shows Love as slow growth - a parent caring and raising a child for the sake of a future she might never see... planting a tree which might not bear fruit until long after the planter is gone.  Love isn't about what you can do for me, but about me caring for you whether or not there is immediate return.  Love isn't about quick fixes or a strategy to get results, but is focused on the long range benefit to the one being loved.  "Love is patient".

Physical vision (how love is experienced at a mechanical/material level):
6 of Arrows

At the core level, Love creates a situation where life's challenges are easier to handle... it is seen as a method of traveling through life in such a way that difficulties are made easier, chaos is calmed, everything feels easier because one isn't thinking solely of themselves.  In this sense, I think Love is the boat - it matters less whether or not there is someone currently available on which to pour out one's love as it does that each of us can choose to journey through life in a loving way - being open to it is what carries us forward.

This is quite a bit different than how many people regard Love - they look for it, wonder when it will come to them rather than realizing have it with them always.  They tell themselves that Love is more 'real' according to how intense everything is, including anger and drama and feelings of insecurity.

There is a reminder here that Love leads to a sense of calm, not created drama... it exists to make life better, not more chaotic. 

Mental Vision (Love personified/perceived)
VI: Love

Ha! Love is... Love.  We see Love as the archetype of Love.  Here, that archetype is firmly shown in the camp of passionate love - Isis and Osiris, who battled and overcame everything including betrayal and Death for the sake of the love between them.  This is Love as warrior that will allow nothing to destroy it - Love with fierceness and great passion in it.

I don't think this is necessarily a contradiction to the 6 of Swords, though it is the grander vision that drives our daily journey.... Love doesn't let life's complications destroy it.. doesn't let the daily details come between those who love.  Love personified is stronger than the life in which it lives... as long as let that boat carry us, we don't get bogged down by momentary problems.

Emotional Vision (how passions are stimulated by mental vision):
XIV: Balance

Oh I do like this - Emotionally, Love is seen as a melding together - a blending together of those who love, so that each are uplifted and necessary and together they become something stronger than they were alone.  The couple shown here is Venus and Vulcan.. possibly the most mismatched couple in myth - water and fire, beauty and brawn.  By themselves, each has their own individual strengths and weaknesses... together they are able to lend strength the other lacks and operate as a balanced whole.  They don't disappear into the other - each remains a unique individual while evolving together into One.

Mystical Vision (unseen aspects of the object):
III: Fertility, rx

This returns to the message of the first card - Love is a generative act... its purpose is to create, whether that be creating babies or aiding the growth of the one that is love.. or through art or other forms of doing... Love isn't a feeling, it is a verb - Love manifests itself in real and concrete ways.

The reversal here is a reminder that when one loves, they are planting seeds within themselves... there is internal growth that takes place.  So as we plant the seeds outwardly, knowing we might never see the results - as we travel through out lives in a way that Love carries us through our difficulties.. as we fight for the sake of Love and let nothing harm it or turn us aside from the path.. as we let Love connect us to others who can make us stronger than we can be on our own... Love grows within us, the generative qualities of Love take root within ourselves and it becomes an essential aspect of who we are.

All together the root of this reading seems to be that... to not live in such a way that one protects against love or fears it - but to live it, fullheartedly and that as we do so, it gets easier to understand why we should.

Daily Draw: XIV: Temperance

my description:

A state of the art Sunbeam Mixmaster is mixing up something pink and fluffy.  The background shows multiple pictures of the mixer, pointing out its individual components... it has a "Magical-Mix Arm" and a "Removable Mixing Head" showing how versatile it is in multiple situations.  Currently, it is mixing up Joy ("New Joy - Happiness by the Spoonful!"), Sorrow ("It's blue!"), Justice Seasoning (with words too tiny for me to make out), and Instant Anger ("Just add Forgiveness"). 

I like that this doesn't suggest that Temperance is about eliminating the 'negative' ingredients - it's about blending them with sweeter elements so that in the end the result is balanced and palatable.

This reads like those many plaques hanging in kitchens everywhere with titles like "Recipe for a Happy Home" - and in fact, the text in the LWB is one of those recipes, calling for 'equal parts joy and sorrow, anger and forgiveness, justice and compassion'.

This is what was missing in my day yesterday - maybe it wasn't so much too much water as not enough of anything else to balance it out.

Another thing I really love about this image is the way it highlights that Temperance is a tool you keep at ready for when you need it, and it's a tool that can be reconfigured and reshaped so that it can work with the situation at hand - not only be usable if conditions are just right.

Today has felt a lot more balanced and peaceful - partly for a change in conditions and partly for a change in my own overall outlook and approach. The more versatile I am in my approach, the more likely I'll be able to mix the ingredients of my day in such a way that it comes out sweet and delicious.

And... because this deck always tucks in a 'hey why don't you do this' idea to my to-do list, this has me inspired to cook something interesting for dinner.  I'm not going to bake a pink fluffy cake, but I believe we will do a nice broccoli, mushroom and tofu stir-fry tonight, a bit sweet, sour and spicy bit of goodness.

Off to chop and stir!

Easter Egg Spread

My friend R came down for the weekend, to share her birthday with us yesterday and Easter today - the weekend has been a pleasant bubble, suspended outside all the realities we'll have to deal with come tomorrow and for the most part (other than eruptions of the sort that happen all the time in this rowdy family) it was pleasant and sociable.

My older daughter, J, made her a cake and last night we colored eggs - J insisting she didn't want to, and then sitting at the table with us and doing her share.  My younger daughter, D, worked carefully on hers, doing a sort of spongepainting thing that made the eggs look tie dyed.

Later, after everyone went to bed, I did Easter basket duties - along with the required candy and plastic eggs full of jelly beans, I tucked in bead bracelets for each of them, a sequined scarf-belt, a couple small craft items and next to their baskets I set a larger item - for J, a set of 10 fancy-border scissors for scrapbooking, and for D, a mini sewing machine, because she's been doing a lot of recycling of her worn out clothing into purses and bags and doing it all by hand. (That little machine was only $20 and she's been having a blast all day with it)

We had a thought this morning that she might want to hunt eggs, but she decided not to (age 12, right on the cusp between childhood and teen and neither we nor she knows which side of that cusp she might be on at any given moment), so the eggs decorated the coffee table for just a short while before they got turned into deviled eggs.

anyway... it was a welcome bit of fun and I after my friend left to make the four hour trip home, I started noodling around with a spread that reminded me of the fun parts of Easter, and the following is what I came up with.  It's not meant to be taken too seriously - just a bit of happy fluff to bring a smile.

Easter Egg Spread

The cards should be arrange to resemble an Easter Egg, with the final card placed in the center:

-------1-------
----2-----3----
-------8-------
---4-------5---
-----6---7-----

Deck Used: Housewives Tarot (via Orphalese - I wanted something whimsical for this reading)

1. Coloring your eggs. - How do you create beauty, joy and  hope in your life?

XIV: Temperance
An electric mixer with mixing bowl, full of fluffy pink.  Surrounding it are four boxes of ingredients, labeled: New Joy - Happiness by the Spoonful, Justice Seasoning, Instant Anger, and Sorrow.

Keywords: "Cooperation * Compromise * Sympathy"
I like the way this card points out that temperance doesn't reject or eliminate anger and sorrow - it combines them with justice and joy to create something tasty.  I 'decorate my eggs' by honoring all aspects of my life, including the negative parts, and dealing with them justly and with joy.

(In spite of the badness of Friday and what is coming in the next few days, this weekend truly was joyful - maybe not even in spite of, but because of.  We don't have to let our anger and sorrow take over even if we can't keep it away right now.)

This was our last holiday together spent as an intact family.  I expect we will have other holidays all together, but not in the same way.  Letting ourselves celebrate that togetherness, even in its passing, was a worthy thing to do.

2. What are you looking for? - What Easter Eggs are hidden from you now?

I: The Magician

A slick salesman in a plaid jacket is smiling and holding his left hand up to display a shiny new front loading washing machine.  His right hand is hidden in his jacket pocket.  In the background, a suburban neighborhood of brick houses and trees is visible.

Keywords: "Illusions * Deception * Charm"

Am I looking for a sales-pitch?  I don't think so... and this connotation is exactly what always makes me uncomfortable with The Magician.  I'll be starting a close examination of The Magician card tomorrow and spend the next couple weeks trying to understand this card better.

Maybe that's all this is about - the positive side of The Magician card is currently hidden from me, and I will need to spend time looking for it.  I think I need to access its strengths (and resist the con-artist aspects of it), and to do that I need to come to terms with it.  I am also going to need to be on sharp lookout against kidding myself with plans and proposed solutions that seem too good to be true, because they probably are.

3. How can you find them? - What do you need to do to uncover them?

Page of Cups

A young boy in red and white striped pajamas and a blue and white paper crown is sprinkling water on a trio of flowers.  The flowers have yellow petals like daisies, but the center of them are faces.  The roots of the flowers are heart-shaped.

Keywords: "Cultivation * Growth * Nurture"
To access an understanding of the traits of the Magician, I am going to need to nurture and water my relationships with others and myself - the key to my ability to use my personal tools in order to manifest my will is always going to be through caring for the emotional growth of myself and those around me.  This isn't news, but I've never thought of it as a power-supply source.  I am going to have to think on this one some more.

4. What's in your basket. - What sweet things have you been given?

Page of Wands

A young boy with a brown paper crown and a cowboy outfit is riding a hobby horse made of a red sponge-mop.  He has a pair of toy guns, one holstered and one in his left hand.  His face is smiling and mischievous and his gaze is looking upward and to the left.

"Imagination * Fun-Loving * Creativity
My sweet treat for the day was indeed the creativity and fun shared with my children and friend, coloring eggs, creating Easter baskets full of goodies that would surprise and appeal to them.  This carried me through what could have been a grim and heartbreaking weekend.

No matter how difficult the weeks and months ahead might get, my children and my ability to enjoy time spent with them will be the biggest thing that sees me through.

5. What will you share? - What good thing from your basket are you willing to share with someone else?

8 of Wands

A dark-haired womon in a blue shirt nd brown capris is riding on a broom through a cloudy sky.  Flying through the air with her are seven other handled cleaning objects - brushes, mops, carpet sweepers, a feather duster, etc.

"Travel * Flight * Growth
I am traveling quickly into my future and it certainly will be a growth experience (she said ruefully) - it's not much occurred to me that this is something I even can share with anyone else, and yet, it is, isn't it?  I have my circle of friends - the people who love me - and I can, and should make sure I let them come along for the ride.

6. Easter grass. - What is the foundation that keeps your gifts from harm?

Knight of Wands

An older boy in jeans and a blue striped t-shirt is riding a red bike.  He is wearing a silver pot on his head for a helmet and wielding a red plunger as if it were a lance.  His expression is determined and intent.  The background is a nondescript beige.

"Exuberance * Mischief * Loyalty
I can keep my gifts (my ability to enjoy time spent with my kids and my friends and to nurture those relationships instead of seeing this time as simply the loss of my relationship with my husband) by...well, by lightening up and not making the mistake of taking everything so seriously that I forget how to have fun and be playful (and yes, that includes a bit of mischievous fun).  That right there is now I can stay loyal to those who have remained loyal to me.  While there is likely to still be some grieving left to do, if I don't turn my life into a tragedy, I can come out of this without permanent harm, to myself or to my children.

7. Rotten Egg? - What's stinking up your life that you need to find and discard?

XVIII: The Moon

A woman in a pink nightgown is sleeping peacefully on a bare, blue-striped mattress.  Shadowy sheep are jumping in an arc in front of her.  A pink calendar is above her on the left of the card, and a pink-lidded jar of cold cream is above on the left.  A very large, smiling yellow moon occupies the center of the card and the background is deep blue cloth with stitched stars and thin, puffy clouds holding up the calendar and the moon.

"Instinct * Intution * Dreams
Interesting - I rarely see the Moon card as anything negative, but in this position this might have to do with the illusion and confusion aspect of this card.  I need to discard any clinging I am doing to my personal nightmares, to seeing what's happening (or my husband himself) through a paranoid or unduly harsh filter.  Hanging onto my fears about the situation really will start to stink if I don't get rid of them - the tendency to see myself as a wronged victim will take away my personal power and my ability to recover from this.

I see, I think.  I need to let go of seeing him as someone in power over me and consciously acting with intent and hurt.  There has been intentional hurt, but it's come from his own fears and perception of himself as without power (why else fight so hard to exert it in negative ways? He's acting as if he's in a life and death battle).  The quicker I can accept and forgive what he wasn't able to do, the quicker I will stop hurting.

Not there yet. But trying. The calendar on the wall of this card tells me that time will heal... the cold cream is a soothing reminder to not worry so much, lest it give me wrinkles (hee).

8. What's ready to hatch? - What's preparing to come into your life?

V: The Hierophant

An old-fashioned, black and white console television displaying a test pattern (a circular shape with a sort of target in the middle of it, with smaller circles at the four corners - the smaller circles are divided into quarters) sits in the center of the card.  The background is an alligator skin textured beige.

Answers * Wisdom * Harsh Truths
Interesting - does this indicate that I may get some answers to the questions I have about all this?  That would be good.. I think.  The test pattern sort of resembles the wheel of fortune to me. 

At a more basic level, the Hierophant sometimes has to do with institutions and conventional philosophies - what is ready to 'hatch' is an encounter with a lawyer who (I hope) can give me some answers at the very least about how to go about this dissolution in a way that causes the least amount of pain and disruption to all of us. 

That TV test pattern used to show up when stations closed down for the night - this card is telling me it's almost time to call it a day.   But that's ok, because there's a new day coming.